


Turnt Heck Godhead

by lasciviousWildheart



Series: Infinity Mechanism [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, NSFW, Polyshipping, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-16
Updated: 2016-08-06
Packaged: 2018-06-08 17:46:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 76,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6866797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lasciviousWildheart/pseuds/lasciviousWildheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave Strider is feeling different. Really, everyone is. Steps seem to carry more weight, voices seem to echo more, bodies seem thicker and more full of life and comfort.<br/>Something is changing here, on this new planet, in this new universe. The cans of the town seem more real than the buildings of society ever did.<br/>And sometimes if you close your eyes and listen there is something like a chorus, or an echo, from a place where things are different--but not by much. </p><p>All at once, the feeling becomes too much to ignore, and Dave needs to find out what's happening.<br/>But doing so means coming face to face with his old sprite, now become something totally unbearable and unfathomably graceful and self-assured.<br/>And now it seems Dave's curiosity may awaken in this new being a hunger...</p><p>A hunger for the illest beats ever dropped in the history of paradox space.<br/>Beats that could change Dave, and all of his friends, in ways they could never have expected. </p><p>Welcome to Davepeta and Jasprose's grand venue:<br/>Good drinks, dim halls, chill beats and comfy bean bags<br/>The Turnt Heck Godhead is open for business as long as you're open to the feelings it can cause.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Candles And Clockwork

**Author's Note:**

> meow meow motherfuckers 
> 
>  
> 
> this is proooobably going to get explicit later
> 
> also if people like the concept (once i finish establishing/demonstrating it) I encourage them to go ahead and write their own versions with whatever versions of characters they want to see 
> 
> all ships are canon yo ;)

It took so long to understand it, but now that you do, you can trace the moment you first felt it down to the millisecond. Only fitting for a Time player, you guess. You haven’t talked about it. Haven’t even mentioned it, even to Karkat, because what would it even mean, would it even matter? 

When you think about it you answer with a nah but in your heart you know that’s a lie, you know it’s important somehow, you feel it like gears clanking in your mind, working out a mystery nobody ever needed solved. Except you. Or maybe everyone?

It’s affecting all of you, you can tell that much for sure. It’s Karkat, every day his loud voice gets… softer. Deeper, not because he’s older but because it comes from deeper in his gut. Less shrill and more full, like his heart has finally climbed its way down from his throat and into his chest and realized, oh, hey, this is totally home. 

It’s Rose and how the shoulders that always used to be taut and high are now just as often low and concave, like there’s no longer anything inside her she needs to protect. How she sprawls under a tree or onto a sofa with Kanaya, how she’ll trade alien porn tips with Roxy and not even pretend to hide it anymore, not even a little. She’ll laugh and smirk and wink and make Karkat blush, deliberately, and that’s not so different from before but the way she laughs is different. Like she isn’t above the act anymore, or an aloof bystander. She’s just a girl, silly and playful and hilarious and confident. Alight.

There are dozens of little examples like that. But more than anything it is the feeling that you, John, Rose, all of you, are heavier now. Bigger. It’s puberty you guess but it is more than that, it is like a weight was removed that made you all grow around it, twisting and turning any way you could just to reach the light. It’s like the biggest sky that ever was clearing up after God’s biggest, raunchiest fart, releasing untold sentient victims from an eternal prison of gross poot cloud.

It’s like your bodies fill more space, like the steps land more solidly on the ground now, like they leave a thicker imprint. It took so long to narrow down the feeling. Almost a year, in fact. 

You can trace it down to the millisecond. It was Karkat’s hand brushing against yours, just for a moment, while you were making dinner--getting ready for a night in with a movie and the Mayor. Specifically, getting ready for the first night in. 

That second there was...a spark. No, not THAT kind of spark. Back then you weren’t ready--actually all there’d been was a moment where your eyes and his lingered too long, a pang of fear you knew well enough to doof long before it nakked. Easily dismissed. But there was a spark of a different sort.

Like a candle being lit, or a clock ticking slightly differently suddenly. Something changed. But not like it changed when things broke apart entirely, the way you were used to. In hindsight it’s obvious: It was John, flying around all willy nilly, breaking the laws of causality like doop doop im so heroic and unspeakably powerful let me fly through the multiverse and make you watch con air!!!!! 

What that didn’t explain, though, was this new feeling, these new changes...at first. 

This, then, is the moment the other shoe drops. This is when you realize the punchline to the vast joke, this is when you notice at last how long and how deft the con was, and exactly what it was that John saved you from. 

This feeling is the same. It is a candle, it is clockwork initiating. Every moment, every second. But by now it is hard to keep track. It’s hard to keep a grasp on what it feels like. 

For a second you manage to feel out a fraction of it:

Candles, again, but many more now. So many it looks like a night sky, brought low so you can see the other side of it. And clocks. So many, ticking in so many ways, clicking and clacking over each other, doubling over each other, cascading, raining into you like a downpour. Rising to a crescendo that never lets up. Making some kind of sick beat but not one you can quite follow, like it’s just too complicated to get right away. 

K....T: STRIDER.  
K..R..T: STRIDER!!!!!  
KARKAT: LISTEN TO ME, GODDAMN YOU

The loud voice of the second boy you ever loved and the first boy you gave your heart to breaks through, brings you back down home. You look at him. He’s tall but not as tall as you, and you’re not wide but not as not wide as him. He’s kind of like a skeleton from Zelda, if the skeletons from Zelda were really fucking hot. And also had horns, and kind of doughy muscles that are nice and soft to touch.

KARKAT: DAVE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SPACING OUT SO HARD ABOUT!!!!!!!  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: not sure, actually. feels like kind of a big deal though  
KARKAT: THE BIG DEAL IS THE PART OF MY BRAIN READY TO IMPLODE INTO A BLACK HOLE AFTER AN ENTIRE HALF HOUR TRYING TO GET YOU TO ANSWER YOUR MESSAGES!!!  
KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL, DUDE, I JUST WANTED TO KNOW IF WE HAD MILK SINCE I WAS IN THE AREA, YOU NOT ANSWERING ME WAS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE!!!!! I WAS FREAKING OUT YOU JERK.  
DAVE: dude im immortal and i can fly out for milk if you forgot like im sorry i guess but is it really  
KARKAT: IS IT REALLY WHAT???  
DAVE: a big deal  
KARKAT: OH.

For a second that seems to make him angrier, and you pretty much expect him to launch into a dramatic, passive-aggressive tirade about how totally big the deal actually was, and he’d probably be pretty witty about it but also kind of mean and a huge pain, which is how he usually is when you mess up now. This is a marked improvement from how he used to be, which was exactly the same only about absolutely everything, instead. 

But he doesn’t even do that much. Instead he stops, mouth wide open, and just kind of...THINKS for a minute. Loosens up, somehow. And decides not to.  
Instead he breathes a heavy sigh, just to let you know he’s being magnanimous. 

KARKAT: NO, I GUESS IT’S NOT.  
KARKAT: WHATEVER. SO WHATS THIS BIG DEAL YOU WERE THINKING ABOUT.  
DAVE: i’m not sure but also it was kind of exactly that  
KARKAT: EXACTLY WHAT???  
DAVE: like...i dunno, i guess? im not sure how to explain it  
DAVE: just  
DAVE: do you feel any different lately  
KARKAT: DAVE, I FEEL DIFFERENT BY THE EXACT SAME DEGREE AS YOU’RE MAKING SENSE.  
KARKAT: WHICH IS TO SAY, NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST.  
DAVE: dammit. ok i figured. i think maybe i should hit up rose and tz about it  
KARKAT: WOAH WAIT IS THIS SOME SORT OF COSMIC MEANING SHIT??? WHY THEM???  
DAVE: um, i guess kind of maybe  
KARKAT: DAVE, WHAT!!!  
KARKAT: ARE WE IN A DOOMED TIMELINE OR SOMETHING, YOU WOULD WARN ME ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT RIGHT???  
DAVE: woah woah calm down karkat, stop flipping out  
DAVE: were not in a doomed timeline. in fact…  
KARKAT: …  
DAVE: ……  
KARKAT: …………  
DAVE: ……………………………  
KARKAT: DAVE!!! FUCK!!!!  
DAVE: whoa sorry  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU GOING TO SAY!!  
DAVE: oh, yeah… sorry, i started thinking about it again  
DAVE: look, dont  
DAVE: don’t get carried away with this, im not sure yet  
DAVE: but if im right  
DAVE: i think doomed timelines might not be a thing anymore?  
KARKAT: WHAT.  
DAVE: yeah  
KARKAT: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN, DAVE. HOW WOULD THAT MAKE ANY SENSE??  
DAVE: i dunno! i dont know  
DAVE: like i said i dont know for sure, its just like…  
DAVE: a feeling  
KARKAT: A FEELING.  
DAVE: yeah karkat you know feelings right im sure youve heard of em  
KARKAT: ILL KNOW THE FEELING OF YOUR SOFT ASS BEING CRUSHED INTO THE DIRT IN A SECOND IF YOU KEEP BEING A SMARTASS  
DAVE: p hot but honestly im not sure im in the mood right now dude  
KARKAT: WOW  
KARKAT: SO  
KARKAT: YOU’RE SERIOUS ABOUT THIS THEN  
DAVE: like i said im not sure  
DAVE: but i think the seers would know better  
DAVE: specially terezi she knows all kinds of weird shit now  
KARKAT: YEAH. WELL, I GUESS YOU’D BETTER GO THEN. WANT ME TO COME?  
DAVE: do i ever not dude  
KARKAT: FUCK!!!   
KARKAT: YOU JUST FINISHED SAYING YOU WERENT IN THE MOOD A SECOND AGO DAVE THAT WAS UNFAIR YOU SET ME UP  
KARKAT: AM I REALLY SO AWFUL I DESERVE AN ETERNITY OF YOUR INFURIATING HALF-ASSED MIXED MESSAGES  
KARKAT: WHAT IN PARADOX SPACE DID I DO TO EARN SUCH A PITIABLE FATE  
DAVE: you decided i was cute  
DAVE: which who can blame you i mean fact of the matter is im fucking adorable  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DAVE: and i mean you did just do the thing 

You mean the thing he does when he starts ranting, where his legs spread and knees bend and he like grabs out like he can strangle the reality he’s living in. He looks ready for a fight or a murder but the thing is Karkat couldn’t really fight his way out of your cape and that just makes it adorable: the aggressive stance, the mock fury, the dramatic overtures, but more than anything it’s just the way he stands, the way you could walk right between his legs. He knows it gets to you which doesn’t stop him from doing it but you can tell when he does it on purpose and when it’s an accident. 

It’s always hotter when it’s an accident. 

He looks at you and the posturing and anger fizzles out like it always does. His eyes look big and wondering, almost expectant except that there’s still the small fear you’ll come to your senses and fly up into the sun like he’s a piece of garbage. All that’s left is Karkat, in the Karkatiest pose to ever Kark a Kat, and the subtle impression of tender hope that first turned you on like a candle, or a knight light, in fact the same impression that first made you feel that little spark. Your heart skips a beat and everything is hot under your shades all of a sudden. You wonder if you’ll ever start this without trying to hide the fear and the embarrassment.  
You wonder if he’ll ever accept it without those feelings, too. But you start it anyway. 

DAVE: and anyway if it turns out im right

You step closer and your cape whooshes dramatically, only to flop over his hand like a towel on a handrack. So smooth. God, you’re both such fucking losers.

but god he’s so fucking cute.

KARKAT: UM, THANKS, I GUESS?

shit did you say that out loud

DAVE: yeah  
KARKAT: IF YOU’RE RIGHT??  
DAVE: if im right  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT DAVE YOU WERE MIDSENTENCE THERE  
DAVE: oh shit yeah ok  
KARKAT: WELL???  
DAVE: well  
DAVE: if im right  
DAVE: its not like we dont have time  


He’s soft but thick and heavy in your hands, there’s a weight and a substance to him that makes you have to work to keep him up against you. Just how you like it. His breath is hot and his lips are dry from a long day of shouting and being basically the fucking best. He’s tense and waiting and your faces are close, so close, and just a little closer…

The thing that does you in is the same thing that always does. It’s his hands, not huge but not small, it’s fingers who’s strength you always underestimate but not as much as you underestimate their care, running through your hair. Not too gentle, Karkat’s not great at gentle, but the way he parts your hair and feels like it, like there’s something he wants there, like there’s something he likes about you. It’s dramatic and passionate and romantic but there’s something else there too, something almost easy and friendly even though it has an edge. 

It reminds you of something you never knew you wanted and didnt think you could have. It’s the closest either of you have come to saying the words out loud, and for now you’re thankful for that even though it makes you hungry for more--more of this, more of him. 

His hand loses its traction for a second and he grabs, tugs at your thick hair ever so slightly, but it’s enough and then your lips are on his and your hands are eager and grabbing and you’re gone, gone, gone.


	2. Candles And Clockwork (Alpha Version)

This is so fucking stupid. 

Rose and Terezi didn’t really have much to tell you that you didn’t already know, except for something totally fucking garbage and awful. You traveled all the way out to Rose’s can, a thin, elegant TAB that she, Roxy, and Kanaya spent many months customizing and modifying. With help, of course, particularly from you and Egbert. It sits in the crevice of a beautiful lake, and hosts enough rooms for all of you in the event of sleepovers or parties. You’ve already spent a weekend that way, actually, for a pool party/camping trip. The lake and Rose and Kanaya’s demands that they be allowed the dignity of a bed and roof made it the natural choice. 

ROSE: Yes, I’d gotten that impression as well.  
DAVE: impression  
ROSE: Yes, Dave. Impression.  
DAVE: nothing else  
ROSE: Why would you assume I’d know more than you about the nature of time, Dave?  
ROSE: It really doesn’t surprise me if you started feeling it sooner, or stronger. After all, you’re more familiar with the nature of stable time loops than most.  
DAVE: time loops  
ROSE: Yes. Doomed timelines happen when a stable time loop has not been completed which is necessary to ensure the existence of the looper.  
ROSE: In our case, those loops extended throughout our entire session, and well beyond, encompassing at least four more. It is likely the loops were meant to ensure the creation of Lord English himself.  
TEREZI: WHO W4S OF COURS3 N3C3SS4RY TO CR34T3 US  
TEREZI: S1NC3 H1S 4G3NTS W3R3 R3SPONS1BL3 FOR 3NSUR1NG TH3 CR34T1ON OF YOUR UN1V3RS3 THROUGH US  
TEREZI: 4ND 3V3N B3FOR3 TH4T OUR OWN CR34T1ON THROUGH OUR FOR3B34RS  
DAVE: huh. alright, i guess i never put that together completely before  
ROSE: You were trying pretty hard not to think about “The Time Stuff” while it was relevant.  
ROSE: And it is a little hard to imagine time as a circle when you’ve been riding along its radius in what seems like a straight line for your entire life.  
ROSE: But it seems a little odd to start asking questions only now that the threat of being cast into death and eternal irrelevance has slipped its noose off your neck.  
ROSE: Why the interest now?  
DAVE: i guess  
DAVE: because i noticed?  
DAVE: and because i guess it means…  
DAVE: ……  
ROSE: ……?  
TEREZI: >:?  
DAVE: ok what does it mean  
DAVE: im still not sure  
DAVE: i guess just. doesnt this make me irrelevant  
DAVE: like even more irrelevant than before i guess, because of johns powers  
DAVE: like i guess now it turns out he fixed time itself  
DAVE: so its not shitty and now theres no point to ever time traveling again???  
DAVE: is that whats happening. that would be so sweet please tell me thats whats happening  
ROSE: I would like to.  
ROSE: The truth is, I just don’t know.  
ROSE: It seems like hubris to say there will never be any problems that warrant our skills from now on.  
DAVE: dammit  
ROSE: It’s just that now there’s no mad conductor giggling smugly to himself as he enforces predestination to orchestrate our every move?  
ROSE: Which is nice, but a little abstract.  
ROSE: After all, the vast joke perpretated on us was carried out by a cosmic horror who is embrassingly also not unlike a crackshippers imagining of the sweet lovechild of a Time Lord and The Incredible Hulk, with full awareness of every single timeline where we failed to follow his course.  
ROSE: And we are confined to the arguably lesser tyranny of being mere people, only able to experience a single timeline at a time.  
ROSE: It is hard to say if such a fundamental change to the nature of our reality really warrants action.  
ROSE: Or, really, if action is possible at all.  
ROSE: Maybe being free of a bizarre clown Original Character’s temporal domination and control is just something we accept and are grateful for every so often, when it occurs to us?  
DAVE: maybe  


You think about it for a second but it doesn’t really sit right. The sun is bright white and the sky sharp blue.  
You look out onto the lake, and it doubles those two colors over, like it's mirroring what's above. Which is after all literally what it's doing.  
It reminds you of Skaia.

You didn’t touch the water yourself, back when you all had that party. For one thing, you’ve never even touched a body of water before, and you understand Dirk pretty much learned to swim before his first visit to a toilet. For another, it was just a little too soon since you’d told John about you and Karkat, and more specifically you and your general…bi-ness. He’d been cool about it, of course. John wouldn’t know what to do with an unpleasant thought if it opened its legs in his bed and begged him. But you’d seen him splashing around with Jake in nothing but boxers, and he’d seen you seeing him with your head resting on Karkat’s lap under the shade of your nice big tree, and there had been a beat between you just shy of sicknasty anyway. You’d figured it was probably better to cool it on any nakedness and proximity between the two of you for a while. It was easier, you figured. You didn’t want to put too much pressure on him right away and mess things up between the two of you. And, anyway, it was never a good idea to make things awkward and terrible between two of the best bros in all of paradox space. You remember feeling like, if something that awful and undocumented were to ever happen, it would probably be a sure sign that things had gone off the rails entirely. Like things getting too twisted between best bros so pure and true was a definite indication someone had messed up, and now you were all doomed. Maybe you were still getting used to this whole not having to die all the time forever thing. Or maybe you were paranoid. But it still stopped you, and now you realize it probably wasn’t worth worrying about at all. But you guess you also just kind of assumed that the timeline itself would naturally just kind of sort things out between you, too, since your friendship was kind of literally written into the cosmic destiny of your life and according to what Dirk has told you probably extends past multiple lifetimes. But now it seems it didn’t make sense to assume that was going to happen. So… 

DAVE: so what now  
DAVE: like thats really it  
DAVE: tz you did some weird thing with timelines right before we fought the jacks you said right  
DAVE: do you have anything to add  
TEREZI: MMM, 1 GU3SS  
TEREZI: 1 M34N, SORT OF  
DAVE: yeah that clears up everything i knew i could count on you  
TEREZI: BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH  
TEREZI: 1F YOU W4NT MY S4G3 W1SDOM D4V3 YOUR3 GO1NG TO H4V3 TO SHOW MUCH L3SS CH33KY S4RC4SM 4ND F4R MOR3 F34RFUL R3V3R3NC3  
TEREZI: OR 4T L34ST STOP B31NG SUCH 4N 1MP4T13NT B4BY 4BOUT 1T! >:[  
DAVE: fine i guess  
TEREZI: GOOD >:]  
TEREZI: 4S 1 W4S S4Y1NG B3FOR3 YOU D3C1D3D TO 4CT L1K3 4 WR1GGL3R N3RD D3SP3R4T3 TO B3 D3POS1T3D 1NS1D3 TH3 N34R3ST TO1L3T  
TEREZI: WH1L3 B31NG CONN3CT3D TO YOUR ULT1M4T3 S3LF 4ND 4LL OF YOUR 1ND1V1DU4L V4R14T1ONS 1S M4Y 1 S4Y PR3TTY GR34T 4ND H1GHLY R3CCOM3ND3D  
TEREZI: 1T W4S D1FF3R3NT FROM TH1S  
TEREZI: 4LL OF TH3 V3RS1ONS OF M3 TH4T 1 CONN3CT3D TO W3R3 P4RT OF TH3 4LPH4 T1M3L1N3  
TEREZI: 4LL C4G3D 1N BY TH3 S4M3 L1M1TS 4ND BOUND4R13S 1 W4S  
TEREZI: W3 4LL W3R3  
TEREZI: SO WH1L3 1T 1S SUP3R GR34T TO KNOW 3X4CTLY HOW 1NCR3D1BLY 4W3SOM3 1 R34LLY 4M  
TEREZI: 1 DONT KNOW 1F MY 3XP3R13NC3 1S R3L3V4NT TO 4 CONT3XT WH3R3 TH3 WRONG D3C1S1ON DO3SNT DOOM US 4LL  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: well i guess that figures but i wish i could get some actual insight on this  
DAVE: i dunno why exactly but  
DAVE: it kind of bothers me  
DAVE: not the state of things, just  
DAVE: not knowing what it means, i guess, or what i should do  
ROSE: Should do?  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: i guess  
ROSE: Should do about what…?  
DAVE: just  
DAVE: some stuff, that i guess i was being kind of lazy about  
DAVE: that i probably shouldnt be lazy about anymore  
ROSE: If you want a reason for action, shouldn’t your desire to act be enough?  
DAVE: …  
TEREZI: W3LL 1F YOU H4DNT ONC3 4G41N 1NT3RRUPT3D M3 FOR TH3 S4K3 OF ON3 OF YOUR PO1NTL3SS B4BY T4NTRUMS  
TEREZI: 1 M1GHT H4V3 PO1NT3D OUT 1 N3V3R S41D YOU COULDNT G3T 4NY 1NS1GHT 4T 4LL  
DAVE: what  
TEREZI: Y34H  
TEREZI: S33 D4V3 TH1S 1S WHY 1TS US3FUL SOM3T1M3S TO FOST3R R3SP3CT OF YOUR M1GHTY S33R GOD3SS3S  
TEREZI: 1D B3 MOR3 1NCL1N3D TO G1V3 YOU 4 M34N1NGFUL QU3ST 1F ONLY YOUD B3 4 L1TTL3 MOR3 QU13T 4ND R3V3R3NT 4BOUT 4SK1NG FOR ON3  
DAVE: ughhh ok im sorry  
DAVE: why do you think i came to you guys in the first place o mighty seer  
TEREZI: >:] MUCH B3TT3R  
TEREZI: 4 L1TTL3 S4RC4ST1C M4YB3 BUT 1 C4N WORK W1TH 1T  
ROSE: Remind me to be less forthcoming with my own sage advice in the future.  
ROSE: You’re very good at this. We should trade pointers on how to keep eager hero males on their toes later.  
TEREZI: Y3S 4BSOLUT3LY 1 L1K3D YOUR PROB1NG QU3ST1ONS 4T TH3 COR3 R34SONS H3 W4NTS TO BL4ST OFF TO 4DV3NTUR3 TH4T H3 1SNT R34DY TO F4C3 Y3T  
TEREZI: V3RY B1T1NG 1 LOV3D 1T  
DAVE: hello  
DAVE: if you two are done seerflirting theres still an irrelevant hero boy in need of a pointless quest here  
TEREZI: OH R1GHT  
TEREZI: 1 W4S JUST GO1NG TO S4Y  
TEREZI: YOU COULD GO 4SK D4V3P3T4  
DAVE: what  
TEREZI: W1LL YOU P1P3 DOWN!  
TEREZI: S3R1OUSLY TH1S W4S SO OBV1OUS 1 DONT KNOW WHY YOU N33D3D 1T SP3LL3D OUT FOR YOU  
TEREZI: D4V3P3T4 1S B4S1C4LLY 4N 4M4LG4M OF 4LL V3RS1ONS OF YOU 4ND 4LSO N3P3T4 1NCLUD1NG YOU YOURS3LF  
DAVE: ugh  
TEREZI: TH1S PR3SUM4BLY 1NCLUD3S V3RS1ONS 1N TH1S N3W T1M3L1N3 ST4T3 4S W3LL 4S TH3 ON3S TH4T W3R3 DOOM3D BY TH3 4LPH4  
TEREZI: 4ND 4S BOTH 4 T1M3 4ND H34RT PL4Y3R TH3Y S33M UN1QU3LY SU1T3D TO UND3RST4ND1NG TH3 M3T4PHYS1C4L 1MPL1C4T1ONS FOR 4NY ON3 V3RS1ON OF “US”  
DAVE: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck  
DAVE: thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssssssssssssssssssss  
TEREZI: YOU 4R3 R34LLY B31NG 4 P1SS POOR H3RO H3R3 D4V3  
TEREZI: WH3N D1D YOU 3V3R H34R OF 4N 1MPORT4NT QU3ST B31NG 4T 4LL PL34S4NT?  
TEREZI: NOT TH4T 1TS 3V3N TH4T B4D B3C4US3 D4V3P3T4 1S COOL 4ND B4S1C4LLY 4N 4M4Z1NG OR4NG3L3MON BL4ST  
TEREZI: R34LLY TH3Y 4R3 SO GR34T 1 JUST HOP3 YOU CONV1NC3 TH3M TO L1V3 CLOS3R 1NST34D OF UP 1N TH3 MOUNT41NS ON TH3 OPPOS1T3 S1D3 OF TH3 GLOB3  
DAVE: this sucks so bad  
DAVE: this is the worst thing  
DAVE: that you could ever have said to me  
DAVE: what about you rose do you agree with her is this my only option  
ROSE: Considering I freely admitted I had nothing useful to suggest, it should be obvious the answer is yes.  
DAVE: noooooooo ):  
ROSE: But if it helps at all, know that I am seconding her suggestion with more than a little despair at the idea of involving Jasprose in the affairs of us puny single-timeline-inhabiting immortals again.  
ROSE: And that my own seer vision suggests its own version of agreement.  
ROSE: I think it will be good for you.  
ROSE: Even, maybe, for all of us.  
ROSE: Although I cannot imagine how. And I don’t really want to think about it.  
ROSE: Eergh.  
TEREZI: YOUR3 BOTH SUCH CRYB4B13S 4BOUT TH1S 1 R34LLY C4NT F4THOM 1T >:[  
DAVE: mannnn  
DAVE: fine  
DAVE: i guess if thats what i gotta do  
DAVE: ill talk to weird hyperfurry catgirl me  
DAVE: whatever  
DAVE: thanks girls im outie  


You deploy UNREAL HEIR from your sylladex, a slighty modified version of your old fantastically shitty skateboard, with aesthetics closely matching John’s blue godtier duds. You made it ages ago, on the meteor, always intending to dazzle the hell out of John with it when you met back up. But between one thing and another neither of you ever really found the time, or it never really came up. 

And this kind of artistry going to waste is just too damn much of a shame.

You mount your dazzling steed even though you can already fly, and in fact you have to use your more mundane flying powers to get this thing to move at any kind of decent speed at all, and even then it is still so fucking shitty you keep just sort of phasing off. 

Even so, you dash off into the horizon, leaving Can Town, Karkat, and all your friends far behind. Riding this piece of garbage is fun for a while but then you get bored and stop and start regular flying instead. Soon after that it occurs to you that flying to some mountains on the other side of the globe is going to take longer than a couple of hours and Karkat might miss you while you’re gone.  
You decide it can’t hurt to fast forward, just a little. 

 


	3. Coolkid

Davepeta got to Earth not long after you did. It was incredibly awful when they arrived.  
You had already been alerted to their existence through the raving chatter of Jasprose and then later through the slightly more comprehensible raving chatter of Arquisprite. Neither made you feel all that great about the premise.

Your feelings were confirmed when Davepeta had shown up, been introduced by Jade, and then immediately gone on to make an incredible embarassment of you and every other potential version of Dave to ever exist, mainly by spouting a lot of way too earnest commentary on the visual quality of everybody from Karkat to Jane, including some people to whom you are related, and including one particular dork who you had literally just that second finished assuring that you were not in any way attracted to him at all, at any point in time, literally ever ever, in order to assure your comfortable broship for years to come. 

You caught John staring at you after they left. It was...awkward. Eventually the gods had had some mercy and Davepeta had gotten bored, met up with Jasprose, and decided to “just kind of fuck off for a while and take some time to figure out what being a cute kitty sprite motherfucker means now that theres no cosmically awful dudes to claw up”

Then the squared sprites had left for some privacy, promising-- no, threatening that they would return when the trolls Davepeta had hung with caught up to them. They had zoomed off ahead, deliberately leaving a trail of breadcrumbs for the others to follow through space to get to Earth, apparently. It all sounded like some shenanigans. 

Anyway, you had no idea where the The Squared Kittycan resided on the opposite side of the globe, but that didn’t make it hard to find. You just got on the right side of the hemisphere and then instantly started flying in the direction of the gaudiest, brightest lightshow taking over the sky.  
Soon enough you were there.

The Squared Kittycan is really just another enlarged Tab, but this one has been modified with all sorts of weird sprite constructs encompassing it’s full diameter. The end result is a big, flashing, gaudy looking square, with the top of the can serving as an entrance. There’s also some obvious cat decorations all over the damn thing, because of course there fucking are. 

You don’t get too close before you’re noticed, though, and in a flash of light or time travel or what the fuck ever they can do, Davepeta is suddenly there, floating at your exact elevation.

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 *Davepeta radiantly pounces on the intrepid interloper trespassing into the domain of their sicknasty jams!*  
DAVE: oh my fucking god   
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  *Davepeta menacingly unseaths their deadly claws, totally ready for a serious kerfurfle as they inquire about alpurr Dave’s mysterious intentions*  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 hey dude whats up???  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  its been a while purr purr   
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: youre…..purring?  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  yeah man im happy to s33 you!!  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  i mean obviously  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  since youre part of me and i know youre one of the smoothest meowtherfuckers who ever lived  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  besides its been getting kind of boring out here purrrrr  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: thats all fine i guess i cant argue with your logic there but i kind of came to ask you some stuff  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  B33!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  *davepeta realizes dave has come for their cryptic sprite wisdom!!*  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  *Davepeta rolls over and does the most mysterious of butt wiggles, kicking at the air in a wicked sweet interpretive dance move that Dave is sure to know means the future will include dropping some shit like this downright incendiary*  
DAVE: oh my god please  
DAVE: please dont roleplay while i ask you for advice this is serious  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  wow, dave, i almost forgot you can be such a sourpuss  
DAVE: what  
DAVE: how does that make any sense youre literally me  
DAVE: and also connected to every single other dave thats ever existed right??  
DAVE: that is how that works isnt it  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  ok well furst of all, im not you dave  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  exactly half of me is composed of a totally seperate person that didnt really know too well!!!  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  and im not even her either im totally unique and incredibly pawsome B33  
DAVE: sure  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2:  B33 but yeah youre basically right, i was just fucking with you h33h33  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  so what brings you all the way here bro  
DAVE: uh, right  
DAVE: i guess its related to that whole being connected to all daves thing  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  and nepetas!!  
DAVE: right and nepetas  
DAVE: anyway ive been starting to notice us all...changing, kind of  
DAVE: and bottom line is i think the alpha timeline is gone?  
DAVE: not like were in a doomed timeline though  
DAVE: just like its not a thing anymore  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2:  B33 yeah!!  
DAVE: yeah??  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 yeah dude what did you think was gonna happen  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 i mean i guess things were purrtty hectic  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 and as your sprite it was kind of my pole to scratch  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 but thats always how its supposed to go  
DAVE: really  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  think about it! What good is an entire universe for yourself if all you get is a single purrdestined pawth thru?  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  its obvious that the ultimate reward includes an infinity of space  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  doesnt it stand to reason that it includes an infinity of time as well  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  the game does give you the option to gain immortality afturr all  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  towards the end the time loops sburb uses to create itself tend to taper off and only those caused by the time travel players choose remain  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  and the game does its best to provide you meaninfurl choices  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  choices which by their nature split the timelines  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  youll remember terezis coin flip as a good explainer on why  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  its a cheaper way for reality to replicate itself i guess  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  and it allows you all to explore and create your ultimate selves more fully, on a cosmic scale  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  sprites arent really supposed to be included in that part  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  but we kinda got to dodge that rule and i gotta says this whole constantly bifurcating reality thing is hells of fun B33  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: so terezis right basically  
DAVE: the alpha timeline was only ever a thing because of lord english?  
DAVE: and now that hes outta the picture we kinda just get to do whatever we want and not die if we mess up  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  purrty much!  
DAVE: well fuck  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  wut???  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  figured youd be happier about that spurrkly bottle of fresh milknews you just got dude  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  was kinda expecting you to snap that meowtherfucker open like some kinda celebratory executioner  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  take a nice long glub of that tasty white freedom  
DAVE: jesus  
DAVE: can you like  
DAVE: never talk about milk again  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B((  hissssssssss!!!!!!!!  
DAVE: look youre right thats all kinds of rad  
DAVE: im super psyched about that already  
DAVE: its just i have questions i guess. like how does time travel even work now is it still a thing  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  uuuh yeah dude  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  times a fundamental property of the universe of course its still a thing  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  you can potentially still doom the timeline i guess like if youre really pawful at making a stable time loop and fuck it up completely  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  but youre not! Youre great at time  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  you just get to own it and use it for whatever you want now instead of having to play by the more punishing and long-term rules of the alpha timeline  
DAVE: alright  
DAVE: i cant lie i guess that sounds pretty sweet all things considered  
DAVE: like if i make any loops in the future i can p much assume i did it for something i wanted to do instead of just having to play along with a lot of stupid timeline bullshit for no reason  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  yeah!!  
DAVE: but then i guess that means i cant really assume divine providence is going to fix shit for me  
DAVE: like say if things are kind of awkward between me and one of my best pals  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  i dont really think it ever did that in the furst place dude  
DAVE: yeah i guess  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 whats up tho maybe i can help  
DAVE: nah thats fine i think youve helped enough  
DAVE: i think im gonna get going thanks for the info  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  yo no seriously whats the deal  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  like i get that you find my overwhelmingly cute cat puns and generally unabashed self-adoration uncomfurtable from ur standpoint  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  since part of you wants it so bad  
DAVE: ...  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  but idk  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  honestly seems like youre pretty pissed at me  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  like i get im a sprite so you dont really feel too invested in a furrendship with me i guess  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  but were both gonna be around for a hella long time dude  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  dont you think its better to not have it be awkward and pawful whenever its time to hang  
DAVE: are we ever really gonna hang  
DAVE: you did move to the opposite side of the planet as soon as you got here dude  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  i just figured itd be best to have some time to chill  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  kick up this fun yarn ball of privacy all cute like with jasprose  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  give murrself time to figure out this new life thing and give you linear immortals time to do the same ya feel  
DAVE: linear immortals  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  yeah since youre only cognizant of time as a single linear path  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  like you only see a single piece of tempting yarn to bat around where i see this whole pretty quilt waiting to be tugged at!!! purr purr  
DAVE: eh alright i guess thats cool  
DAVE: its not like you were being a jerk or anything on purpose  
DAVE: you just flirted at John pretty hard not five minutes after i came out to him  
DAVE: and assured him i totally didnt see him that way and never had  
DAVE: and so making me look like the biggest tool that ever was and a liar  
DAVE: not that john would care about that but it still made things even more awkward  
DAVE: and i kind of just left him alone for awhile  
DAVE: assuming the timeline would just kind of fix it for me  
DAVE: but now i feel kind of like a bonehead so it looks like its time to step up  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  oh i s33  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  thats furr enough but why did you lie to john in the first place??  
DAVE: what i didnt  
DAVE: shouldnt you know all this like dont you LITERALLY have access to all my experiences  
DAVE: im with karkat dude im not really into john that way if i ever really was  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 hhrrrmmmmm youll have to furrgive me i guess it is purrty hard singling out a single expurrience of you to focus on from the whole, except fur davesprite since he literally became me h33h33  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  but obviously you loved him, and jade too  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  and rose! even though that ended up being kind of different  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  really thats the only thing between all of us splinters  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  theres versions of dave that are dating tavros and versions of dave that are girls and versions of dave that totally fall in love with karkats favorite movie  
DAVE: you mean troll serendipity  
DAVE: no youre absolutely fucking with me theres no way ill ever believe this  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  but there arent any daves that dont love john and rose and jade!! Or for that matter karkat and dirk and roxy. the others too in time youll s33  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  even in the timelines where things get awkward and messed up and twisted the loves still there its just hurting  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  and love is flexible like a kitty curling up for a nice nap in the sun or squeezing into a really tight box!!!  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  it takes all sorts of shapes and really when you get right down to it theyre not that different  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  so its really just a matter of deciding which purrticular dave you want to be and what kinds of relationships you want to have B33  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  but its hard for me to see the problem when im purrpetually experiencing you make out with john as we speak  
DAVE: WHAT  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  this really shouldnt surrprise you  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  werent you one of the ones who had a big playful ramble at john about mouseculinity and sociekitty and how flexible sentient beings are  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  furreal its kind of furstrating trying to explain it all  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  itd be easy if you could expurrience even a fraction of what im...  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 …  
DAVE: …  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 ………  
DAVE: ……  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 DAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BDD  
DAVE: !!!!!!!!!!!!  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 DAVE I JUST HAD THE BEST IDEA B33  
DAVE: woah  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  ok i guess you can head home!! well meet you there  
DAVE: wait what  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 can town!! ill go talk to jasprose see if she wants to pounce with  
DAVE: uhhhhh  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 this is gonna be so pawesome youll see  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  im not telling you why tho its a surprise B)  
DAVE: are you telling me youre going to MOVE BACK HOME  
DAVE: please say thats not what youre saying im very scared  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  jeez chill dave  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 no im not moving back to can town it would be way annoying and impractical since you all need to stop being hella sweet amazing party animals sometimes so you can do boring things like “sleep”  
DAVE: you dont sleep  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  i cat nap when its the funniest and cutest thing to be doing  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  anyway were just gonna move to some more practical and close by mountains  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  open a sweet dj club you can party at  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  basically be the raddest dj meowtherfuckers in paradox space  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 its gonna own youll s33 come by with your boyfriend later youll have a blast  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 and after that maybe youll have a better idea how to proceed with your John thing BB3  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 and youll also admit that im the best goddamn sprite that ever fuckin lived  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 seeya later dude im outs!!!  


A painful flash, and just like that, they were gone. You looked at the Sweet Can and envisioned it popping up close enough to your sweet, precious town to light up the horizon with its hideous gaudy glow. Oh god, Jasprose might be coming. Rose is going to go grimdark again and kill you at least four times. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. 

Well there’s no two ways about it, you realize. Only choice is to get back home as quickly as possible, gather Karkat, and run for your life. Or at least warn everyone of your collosal fuck up so Rose isnt too furious at you when they show up. It is a good thing you are feeling hells of better about time travel all of a sudden because you are zooming, zooming, exploiting every trick in the book that you can and suddenly you’re here. Its night time but still pretty early, actually--the moon Jade plucked from a nearby star system sitting bright overhead. 

Wow, that was actually pretty fast. All the way across the globe and back, home in time for dinner. You cant believe you forgot how useful time travel was. You guess its pretty sweet Davepeta made you feel better about all that. You think maybe despite everything they’re not all that bad. But you’ll withhold judgment on that until you see what the fuck they’re going to do with this club thing, and until you manage to fix up the awful mess you’re in with John, even though they’re technically right and that was mostly your fault you guess. 

In the distance you see a momentary bright flash of orange, green, purple, white. It dies down as soon as it shows up, which is nice. It’s not long after that Davepeta messages you. Their message is simple:

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  Open for business meowtherfucker B33 come on over with karkles!!! youll have a blast   


Rose is already messaging you with questions and shes using all caps. Karkat lights up your shades too asking where youre at. You only know one thing for sure right now:

Its going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> coming soon: the whole reason i fucking decided to start writing this shit, FINALLY. I can't wait 
> 
> also davepetas the best


	4. Requited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kind of....explicit? Pretty explicit. Definitely NSFW, anyway. Be careful, peeps!
> 
> Also, slight body horror warning. Nothing you're probably fazed by if you got through Hivebent, but still worthy of a note.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to use this to plug something I'm currently very excited about:
> 
> The new Homestuck Imzy group!
> 
> Imzy is a new social media website that is in beta--if you want to imagine it, it's something of a cross between the best parts of Reddit, Tumblr and Patreon. 
> 
> More importantly though, this group is an explicit LGBT Friendly zone, to allow LGBT fans and people who like LGBT ships in Homestuck talk about the comic and enjoy a sense of community that need not be burdened by worrying about homophobia/transphobia/racism, etc. 
> 
> I'm not giving out the link in public as invites are currently limited and we are all invested in keeping the community free from trolls and meanness, but if you're interested feel free to message me here or on tumblr or reddit at optimisticDuelist to find out more and get an invite! 
> 
> Thanks for your time! Hope you enjoy reading :)

If ever there was a situation that showed you that the infinite possibilities of the universe easily dwarf the pathetic, lazy imaginings of mere sentient lifeforms, this is surely it.  
It’s unsettling how impossible this seems, and yet, it’s happening:

A shenanigan has ocurred which has resulted in even Rose completely flipping her shit, and incredibly, Karkat is taking it completely in stride. 

You had to go offline so she would stop yelling at you about Jasprose this and so help me god that and how youre the worst hero boy shes ever given a quest. You promised you’d check things out right away and do your best to dissuade the squared sprites from too much fraternization, but that’s about all you can do. You figure If she gets mad enough to try to kill you she’s gonna have to do it in person and not through your amazing plush ass wrist speaker. The fact you were using it to listen to her tirade just made her more mad, anyway. 

When you found Karkat, it was curled up on the PLUSH ASS BEANBAG you alchemized when you first started outfitting your pad. Snoozing in a bunch of blankets, one of your latest works in progress playing off the HUSKTOP nearby, basically being adorable. Wait, he was...listening to your jams? Like, without you even here? Just for fun? Fuck. 

It made you feel really bad about waking him up to scope out this awful nightmare Davepeta is planning, but you sure as fuck weren’t gonna do that by yourself. You leaned over and tried to resist the urge to pap his drowsy, snoring face. To mixed success: instead your hand sort of wandered, before settling in his hair, curious and playful.

It’s still so weird to you. Most of the time, you’re just caught up in the day to day--fooling around, helping Karkat and Kanaya prepare for the mother grub, helping the Mayor with his important mayorly duties. Chilling with friends. Watching dumb movies at night, cuddling, kissing sometimes, hands wandering when one or both of you feels brave--touching places they maybe shouldn’t. It’s fine as long as neither of you look too close. 

Truth be told, you’re pretty sure you love him, though you haven’t said that. It’s still kind of weird to think about. You don’t really talk about your feelings about each other too much. You don’t, like, go out on dates like Rose and Kanaya do, or John and Roxy. It’s simpler than that and more complicated. Instead of all that, you just kind of...hang out. Live together. Share your lives. 

 

He makes you watch movies, you show him ill jams. Both of you kind of tiptoe around getting too sentimental or too blatantly into each other in a way that isn’t at least somewhat facetious. Old habits die hard, you guess. 

Which makes this a moment of weakness. Stroking his hair, openly staring. You wish you could settle onto the pile without waking him up, but it’s too late-- he stirs and his eyes open drowsily. Your hand is already gone, but 

Karkat: DAVE….  
Dave: hey man

 

You’re so caught, but to be honest you guess it doesn’t matter, considering what you’re about to ask. You’re always sort of trying to take small steps forwards like this now, anyway. Trying to wear down both of your walls. Make things softer, kinder, more honest. It’s nice. He seems to remember the feeling on his head, takes stock of your standing awkwardly like some kind of creep over his snooze, but he doesn’t get riled up about it or even make a passive aggressive jab. 

Instead he just blushes a little and looks away and you do too, and it’s embarrassing you guess, but there’s another feeling between the two of you, something sweet and light like a firefly. You start to stutter out a sorry but that would be a step back, you think, so instead you just do what you came to do.

Dave: so uh  
Dave: looks like i fucked up royally again  
Karkat: DAVE, WHAT. YOU’RE MESSING WITH TIMELINE SHIT AND THATS THE FIRST THING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH TO UPDATE ME WITH?  
Karkat: ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME DAVE? IS THIS A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE CAMPAIGN MEANT TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK?? HOLY SHIT  
Dave: nah we were right  
Dave: doomed timelines arent a thing anymore  
Dave: its actually way worse than that  
Dave: davepeta moved back nearby and is opening like, a dj club or something??? idk  
Karkat: OH  
Karkat: DAVE ILL TAKE DAVEPETA OVER AN AGONIZING DEATH IN A POINTLESS OFFSHOOT REALITY EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE THANKS  
Karkat: I DONT GET WHY YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A BABY ABOUT THEM I THINK THEY’RE PRETTY COOL ACTUALLY  
Dave: eh  
Dave: mostly im just scared rose is gonna flip out at me and start like  
Dave: passive aggresively knitting plush dolls and leaving them around town  
Dave: like in retaliation for bringin jasprose back over here  
Karkat: THAT  
Karkat: OK THATS ACTUALLY PRETTY SCARY I GUESS, YOURE RIGHT TO BE UPSET  
Dave: yeah  
Dave: so to avoid that i need to go scope out this club  
Dave: and if at all possible dissuade the sprites from keeping it up or at least coming over to visit  
Dave: might not be that hard but if i dont go tonight davepeta will definitely show up since they told me to come over  
Dave: and to bring you along  
Karkat: WOAH, WAIT, WHAT????  
Dave: yea  
Dave: i mean idk i could just go on my own its no big deal  
Dave: but i figure itd be nice to have backup  
Karkat: BACKUP???  
Dave: yeah  
Karkat: DAVE, A VISIT TO DAVEPETA DOESNT SEEM LIKE THE KIND OF SITUATION THAT WARRANTS “BACKUP”  
Karkat: AND IF IT DID, I’M EASILY THE WEAKEST MEMBER OF OUR ENTOURAGE, THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY DAMN SENSE!!  
Dave: ugh  
Dave: ok so maybe i didnt mean backup i guess  
Dave: maybe i just meant that, it sounds mysterious and like a weird adventure  
Dave: and dance clubs are supposed to be the kind of thing people do for courtship rituals i guess  
Dave: or they used to be before humanity died and the earth got exploded, i guess??  
Dave: so i guess, it just make me think of you  
Dave: and i thought itd be fun  
Dave: i guess  
Karkat: …  
Karkat: WAIT, SO THIS IS LIKE…  
Karkat: ...  
Karkat: LIKE, ONE OF YOUR...LIKE YOU’RE ASKING ME TO…  
Karkat: GO ON ONE OF YOUR HUMAN DATES, I GUESS??  
Dave: yeah...  
Dave: i guess???  
Karkat: STOP FUCKING SAYING I GUESS!!!!  
Karkat: IS THIS A HUMAN DATE OR NOT, STRIDER.  
Dave: um  
Dave: yeah  
Karkat: …  
Dave: but i mean, you dont gotta--  
Karkat: OK  
Dave: what  
Karkat: I SAID OK, LET’S GO!  
Dave: really  
Karkat: DAVE, OH MY GOD, WHY ARE YOU SO SURPRISED!!  
Karkat: WE ALREADY DO CUTESY BULLSHIT ALL THE TIME, WHY WOULD I BE EMBARASSED ABOUT ADDING ANOTHER TYPE OF CUTESY BULLSHIT TO THE PILE  
Dave: um  
Dave: i dunno, you just always seemed kind of…  
Dave: not down with doing anything public, i guess??  
Karkat: YEAH NO SHIT!!! I MEAN, WE’RE BOTH SORT OF WORKING THROUGH REALLY COMPLICATED FEELINGS  
Karkat: AND FRANKLY MOST OF OUR FRIENDS ARE KIND OF NOSY GOOBERS ABOUT ROMANCE  
Karkat: ANYWAY, YOU DIDN’T SEEM TO FLAUNT OUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS EITHER, MR. I’VE TALKED TO JOHN EGBERT ABOUT ONCE A MONTH  
Karkat: I DIDN’T WANT TO COMPLICATE THINGS FOR YOU THAT I BARELY EVEN UNDERSTAND, LET ALONE KNOW HOW TO HELP WITH TOO WELL  
Dave: i  
Dave: yeah, i mean, you’re right, thanks  
Dave: i just wasnt expecting you to be down so fast  
Dave: was kinda getting ready to be kind of petulant and cute about getting you to come with over here  
Dave: so it threw me off a little is all  
Karkat: ALRIGHT, I MEAN, I’LL PRETEND THAT DOESN’T MAKE ME WANT TO BE REALLY STUBBORN ABOUT GOING ALL OF A SUDDEN SO I CAN SEE YOUR THEATRICS AT THEIR MOST DRAMATIC AND ABSURD  
Dave: thanks  
Karkat: SO SHOULD I BE GETTING DRESSED UP FOR THIS OR…  
Dave: nah  
Dave: im not even sure its gonna be any fun and remember this is mostly strictly business  
Dave: mission codename “stop the shenanigans before rose buries our can under a giant puppet ass”  
Dave: gotta stay focused  
Karkat: RIGHT.  
Dave: and if we enjoy it maybe we can do it again sometime and get dressed up then, who knows  
Karkat: SURE  
Karkat: SO HOW DO WE GET TO THIS PLACE, ANYWAY

You’re outside your can by now, having begun your mission the way you start pretty much any work at all lately: by just kind of making vague motions in its general direction until shit starts to get done.  
You grin at his question, though. In the horizon there is soft green and orange and white, pulsing and alternating. You're excited. You haven't had the chance to do this in public until now, but it's the perfect excuse, and it sounds...fun. Cute. Sweet. 

DAVE: i know the answer to that

You sneak your arm around his torso and grab. Before he even realizes it you’ve bent on your knees and lifted him up like a princess, smooth as silk except for his loud FUCK!!! Of surprise and irritation. You can’t help but laugh a little. You start floating off in the direction of the green-orange glow in the distance for the second time today. You catch him blush a little and he grumbles but puts up surprisingly little fuss. 

Tick. 

DAVE: dont worry man, no one’s gonna see us. i shouldve mentioned

Tock. 

DAVE: im doing time travel again 

You let Karkat off, his shouts still in his throat, but they die before he voices them. Both of you stare.

Your first impression is that it is very bright. 

The walls of this new building are white, and obviously built of sprite magic, since the edges and outlines are glowing with flashes of orange, green, purple, and pink. There are huge, heavy looking gates, but they’re sprawled open, like they are waiting for you.  
Classic sprite bullshit, mysterious and cryptic and all but laid out for you. So typical.  
In enormous Hollywood-esque letters, TURNT HECK GODHEAD is inlaid into the wall above the gates. 

So, clearly the trashiest and least dignified establishment imaginable--small wonder from Davepeta, you guess. 

Both of you head inside. There’s no music or anything but it isn’t long until you reach what is presumably the room designated for music, or whatever the hell is supposed to go on here. Interpretive dance RP? God, you really hope not. 

The room is a big circle, with various pillars strewn about it in a similarly circular pattern. On the roof of the establishment, glowing a soft nauseating mix of green-orange, is the Time symbol. You almost bother feeling a sense of personal affront at the gaudy parody of your brand, but instead you decide it’s got its own charm, of a sort. Down on the floor, the Heart symbol pulses back the same oragreen tones. Together and so bright, they seem almost yellow, actually. 

Chiseled or overlayed onto the pillars are various copies of the Light symbol, flashing bright purple and pink. So, Jasprose IS here, then. Fuck. You gotta say though, the total effect is pretty neat, if a bit hard on the eyes. Assorted between the pillars and the Heart symbol at the center are a variety of ASS RECEPTACLES: fancy high chairs, big important thrones, comfy bean bags, and even some...beds? Kind of weird for a club, but ok, that’s fine you guess. 

You and Karkat wander in the general direction of the beanbag chairs, waiting for Davepeta to show up or the roof to begin descending to crush you or some other shenanigan. Nothing seems to be shenaniganing just yet tho. Once you’re clear of the doors you can see that up on the left wall, past the pillars, there’s a raised platform--like an altar, or a DJ station. Wait, what are you saying, those are literally the same thing. 

KARKAT: DAVE, WHAT ARE YOU MUMBLING TO YOURSELF ABOUT  
DAVE: huh what 

Neither of you gets a chance to say more, though. Just before you reach the bean bags with their soft, inviting clefts there’s a flash, and suddenly Davepeta and Jasprose are there, behind the stand. Jasprose is already handing Davepeta a record. 

You and your troll bird cat sprite alternate timeline counterpart lock eyes for a second, and they nod slightly, and you can tell behind their bright sunglasses they do a little wink, like as if to say, it is time to get this motherfucking jam on and no further words are necessary--or perhaps, maybe they're saying the mysterious force directing these events really doesn’t want to deal with formatting their text again. 

Whatever it is that little nod said, you don’t remember it by the end of the night. 

The first thing is obviously a beat. It’s deep, slow, and lazy-- when it comes it shakes the whole room even though it’s not too loud on your ears. It’s alright, you guess? You look at Karkat and he shrugs, acceptant but unimpressed. The melody comes in, weaving through the beats, building up, rising.

The pitch ascends so high you’re pretty sure it’s going to start hurting your ears. You have time to think this is actually getting pretty bad, though in the same breath you notice something odd is happening with the colors of the hall, they’re...shifting....

**BEAT**  


 

You’re staring at each other. Karkat’s mouth is agape, surely a clear mirror to yours. What the fuck? What the fuck was that? You’re both drawn closer to each other, confused...but the confusion doesn’t last as long as the wonder, and your hand is suddenly holding his wrist. You knew, of course, in a way...but the way you looked in his eyes. So different from how you looked in his own. 

And Karkat...his eyes seem watery and unfocused, like he can’t accept or can’t believe. Neither can you, come to think of it. Neither of you is smiling; it’s too much all at once, too strong, too real. You’re not smiling, not drawing closer, not making out, not yelling, not doing anything at all. 

You’re just standing there, together. Your hand on his wrist, his hand on your shoulder, you looking down at his chest, him looking up into your hair. Anywhere but too closely at each other. You stand there, not one but together, swallowing, digesting, trying to take the feeling and hold it close, bring it into yourselves. You try to swallow the love like you swallowed the indifference and the casual disdain, so naturally, so long ago--from a guardian, from a people, from the world. 

**BEAT**  


The music lulls and simmers, twinkling like fireflies across and around and between you. The walls flash--white, pink, black green, purple, orange, back again-- and they streak across each other, interlacing and intercutting, painting tapestries of soft light in lazy, aristic frenzy. The light splashes across you both in rhythms and jitters. The light show would most definitely be given special warnings for epilepsy, and it casts everything in vivid dreaminess. 

All of a sudden you look up and he looks down and your eyes meet. Your chest feels too tight for your shirt. Your throat feels too tight for your words. Your cheeks are hot and it feels like there’s steam under your skin, it reminds you of LOHAC, it reminds you of home. Your mouth is dry. You want to touch him, you make it so he can never feel that way again, you want to drown his voices out with you. You wonder what his dick tastes like. You wonder how it would feel with him under you, trapped, entangled--a world apart from leaning beside you, squirming, warm hand squeezed around you. You decide it sounds good. You want it.  
You want him. There’s no time to wonder if that’s strange about you. 

**BEAT**  


This is so much better. Under the rhythm, under the weight of your lives and the raw heavy feeling... there’s no time to posture, no time to pretend or to insert distance. It’s like some awful ice on your back has melted off-- your shoulders are loose, your hands are free and needy, there’s no reason to keep up the act. No need to hide it. The fog of anxiety perpetually in your mind lifts and blows away like John wooshed in and farted at it. Oh, god. John…

Karkat feels warm and bony and rough and brutally, incredibly real. Grounded in this place, grinding against you. Hands wander, welcomed to explore. There’s no pretense now, no irony. The beat carries your thoughts and it’s John that stays with you, John that comes--

**BEAT**  


You’re both so thirsty and the only moisture to find is in each other. Tongues play and fuss and struggle. Sometimes one of you lets out a laugh, because it’s so funny, because it’s so much fun. You get it now, this is what being in love is, when you don’t have to do it through the thick glass of hating yourself. You're on fire, you're burning and you feel hot and alive but he feels even hotter. So far away it may as well be a thought from another universe for you, you're 13 and thinking of a girl with green eyes and dark hair, and you wonder if this is how Jade would have felt about you, how you'd have been together, had you… had you… 

**BEAT**  


 

Your knees are shaking, your hands are pressing down on him a little too hard--he doesn’t even yell, just grabs back, harder. This is so much to take, so much to gather into you. You want this, but not here, not now. Later, calmer, more private. This seems to be set to turn into a prized public venue, you manage to think somehow. 

It feels like the building can sense what you’re feeling. The lights are dying down, the music getting further away, the feelings getting denser. You’re less everywhere and more here again. You take Karkat’s hands off you, little as you want to. Later. Time for that later. Now you just want to just be close. 

His arms curl around your shoulders, your arms cross around his. Chin, meet garbage chute nook. Smell sponge, meet nape of neck. Troll names for things sure are weird. You smell him. Terezi’s right-- salt and cherry. You think thank god you have this to lean against. Thank god universes bridged their skies for you to find him. 

All of a sudden you’re 13 again, mind still skeptical and innocent enough to come close to being able to rationalize all the incredible, unfathomable bullshit between you and 18. You try to imagine knowing just how much bullshit there would be, just how intricately woven in and out of itself, just how dense and drawn out and complicated. Truly your life up until now has been a startling canvas of dyed bullshit, all the way through. Right now you realize every single second of it was worth it. Right now you wish you could zoom out and look at it all, you feel like it would be strange and bizarre and weirdly beautiful, even with all the pain, even with all the horror, so long as the road always leads you back here. 

If only Terezi could smell it, you think from somewhere far away and silly…

It comes gentle but no less powerful, like a loving wave, like every memory of every beloved friend kindly bumping into you, rocking you. 

 

**BEAT**  


There’s no feeling like the relief and the satisfaction when the magic lets go of you. In case it comes again, you start to lead him out, start to go. You don’t want more thoughts about any other friends or former beloveds right now, wild and fascinating though they were. Right now all you want is Karkat, Karkat in your bed, in your skin, in your hands, in your eyes. 

Holy shit. Holy crap. Wow. You were definitely going to think seriously about just what the fuck that was as soon as you wake up tomorrow or the day after and you don’t feel deliriously happy and horny. You don’t want to lose sight of this. You don’t want to think about anything else. 

You don’t even bother saying goodbye to Davepeta. You don’t need to. They know. You know that they’re nodding at you from the side of your head, like as if to say, that’s right motherfucker, that’s what just happened. You suppose you will have to live with forever being the #2 upmost crackshot rapper in town. But right now, that’s fine with you. Once you can think again you’re going to come right the fuck back here and give them the bro-est of bro bunps in all of paradox space. 

Alright, fine. Davepeta was cool as hell. You think you want to ask them to hang out and watch movies or something. Really, you’ve seen weirder things be part of a widespread anime cast, and that’s basically what you all were at this point anyway, right? May as well live up to the obvious cliche of your existence. You wonder if Rose will buy into this. You guess it doesn’t matter unless she literally goes grimdark. Then you realize holy shit who gives a damn, if you don’t get home immediately your boner is going to suck all the blood from your body and you will die. 

The cool night air is brisk and lovely. You look over at Karkat and there’s no hiding your grin from your face, you wouldn’t want to deny it to him anyway, you love him, you love him, you love him. You press together and fumble a dance and then he’s in your arms, curling against you, he’s gaunt and heavy and just such a dude, and you dig that, and it’s true. And there isn’t a single layer of irony between you and thinking that thought, and it shouldn’t stay like that forever, but tonight by god it feels good. 

There’s a pop where the two of you never were a second ago, and air gushing around you, the stars don’t twinkle because they’re still. You mumble something trite and embarassingly cliche about how you’d stop the stars in the sky for you, and it’s ironic as fuck, but that’s just a fun game--it’s not a prison, or a strainer squeezing apart anything you’re feeling too much or too clearly. It’s stuffed into every word how deeply you feel for him, sincerely you’re dear to him. He bumps you in the chest with a fist but it’s kind, and the curve of his smile too vulnerable and pleased to hold any aggression. 

Soon enough you’re home, and it’s warm and still and ours. And you’re together now. 

The lights are on. You want to see it, to take it in, to swallow the image of him entirely. You’re hard and he’s hard and that’s obvious. What happens now? And because he felt it, because he knows what it means for you to follow, he takes you and he’s eager and questing and decisive. You let go, give in, bend to give up the shackles of control. You feel lighter without them around you. 

You leave the swords and muscles, you leave the sports and the bravado and the need for power, you leave your fears of John and Bro behind you.  
You close the door and lock them out for good tonight, here they can’t touch you, here there’s nothing to live up to, here you are home. 

He’s all you want to look up to, now.


	5. Softly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A ton of thanks to Sburbanite and Land of Mists and Secrets! This wouldn't be what it is without either of them: Sburbanite's betaing was essential to polishing it and, seeing as I wouldn't be writing this if I hadn't read LOMAS' "All the Things that Divide Us" (seriously read it here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/7449055 ) and that I reference it, I would owe her big thanks even if she hadn't offered to format the text for me. 
> 
> Also thanks to: Anyone who reads this, I'm really enjoying working on it and it's very cathartic so its nice to know other people are enjoying it, too. 
> 
> This is the first chapter that is explicitly NSFW and it is not going to be the last so heads up!

JAKE: Nnnnnngg--aaaaaaaahh!   
JAKE: Well! Wasn’t that refreshing, huh strider?  


He was stretching long and high, up towards the sky just starting to be claimed by deep blue and a mind-boggling amount of white dots of light. The dim light is still just bright enough to tease and hurt you, of course: Jake’s shirt, lifted up by his shoulders, let you peek just enough at the dark skin and darker tuft of hair leading down to his belt buckle. Your mind elsewhere, you answer.

DIRK: You know it, dog.   
DIRK: A lot of running around through dirt and plants that are all sorts of probably deadly poison, you know that’s always my idea of a great time.  
JAKE: Aw, don’t be such a damn ragamuffin about it, dirk! It was an adventure! Exploring in the wild outdoors!  
JAKE: And we might have even found some genetic samples for jade’s little project! The fruits of our labor could lead to all sorts of wily furry little beasts getting the run of old can town, isn’t that pretty exciting, too?  


He looks at you, just barely bordering on hurt, or worried. Just at the thought you might not have enjoyed yourself? Ordinarily, you’d wonder if he’d been trying to keep his own spirits up, if maybe it was less about your enjoyment of this little outing and if instead your witty little barb had just been the last straw in a series of them, wearing him down, biting at his patience. 

Ordinarily, a sight like that would hit you like a bomb, make you feel like your ears were turning red and basically ruin your ability to process much of anything for a good two seconds, at least. Tonight, though…

DIRK: It is exciting, actually. I’ve never gotten to see dogs or cats that weren’t fucking Godlike hellmosters before, after all.  
DIRK: And anyway. I could get infected with a deudly new breed of Poison Ivy that evolved fuck deep in this stupid forest and die the itchiest, dumbest death, and  
DIRK: I’d still say it was nice. You know. Just being with you.   
JAKE: A-ah….heheh. I see. Well, good.   


That kind of sudden admission is something neither of you are used to hearing come out of your mouth, and even through the red suddenly blooming on your skin, you still find the time to enjoy (and worry) about Jake’s similarly befuddled face. 

Today has been long, and nice, and it’s only getting started. It’s only been, what, two weeks since you decided to start trying again? And every moment since then has been a constant struggle against panic, trying to convince yourself it was okay to enjoy this, it didn’t have to go away. Tonight, for once, you think you’re starting to reap the fruits of that effort.  
You got a lot of help from Karkat. And Dave. And Roxy. 

But mostly Karkat, if you’re honest--something about him, he’s just so skilled at these things, so precise and so brutally, undeniably right about everything when he focuses and puts you under the microscope. It’s kind of starting to scare you a little, but that’s okay--for one thing, it’s not often you’ve felt so thoroughly matched in the logic department, let alone owned. 

And for another thing, it was nice, in a way. To have someone else crack your cypher, break down your walls, size you up and deduce you into something comprehensible. Until he did it, you hadn’t realized that it was possible, and now you realized there was so much you kept hidden from your friends, even when you didn’t mean to, even when you tried not to. 

Things you hide through the nature of you--like how when you were sleepy and waking up sometimes, you would hug your pillow and imagine Jake was there with you, and how when it was time to get up, it was trading essays with Jane or shittalking with Roxy or even the occasional interesting discussion with Calliope that would reach down and pull the will to rise from you. 

Things you wanted them to know, but never realized you could tell them.  
Things you wanted him to know, but never realized you should tell him. 

 

 

Karkat made you aware of, at the very least, one layer you keep between yourself and most everyone. And when he did, when you looked past that shattered glass and caught a glimpse of the other side for a moment, you decided if Dave and Karkat were going to get in, you wanted Jake in, too. Jane. Roxy. Everyone. 

You decided to start shattering them. So that’s what you do.

DIRK: Sometimes, thinking about you was the only way I got to sleep at night.  
DIRK: In the apartment, I mean. It was always so quiet, except for the sound of waves.   
DIRK: I was so sick of it.   
DIRK: But it helped to think about you, to imagine you there with me.  
DIRK: Being a klutz and knocking shit over, maybe, or just laying in bed and snoring.  
DIRK: Giving me something else to listen to.   


You’re very carefully not looking at him, staring up at the soft night light instead. 

A beat passes. Then another one. Ok, that’s one too many, and the ticking time bomb of your heart sets off, blasting fear and embarrassment through you like a wildfire, like a seismic wave. You can feel your cheeks and throat start burning and even your ears feel so red you’re sure he can see them even in the dying light. Your eyes finally dart down and find him--

Fuck. He’s staring right at you. And you know you’re right that he can see you, because you can make him out perfectly--red face, wide eyes, caught like a deer in the headlights, his mouth gaping lightly, his adam’s apple bobbing under his meager, badly shaved facial hair and fuck, fuck, you fucked up, nothing stops the anxiety now, it screams at you in retribution saying now you’ve done it, look what now--

JAKE: Uhh, gosh, umm, I--  


His voice, like a command override signal, shutting all your thoughts down. Pure quiet.  
Every part of your brain strains itself into silence, to try to hear him speak. 

 

Then he laughs a little, sputtering and blushing. You’re so tense you may as well be made of metal, but somehow you get yourself to move anyway, your arm moving behind you, scratching at the base of your neck. Your heart’s beating so fast but somehow you manage to get out a word or two:

DIRK: Sorry, I…   


When did you last breathe? Your body wrenches you rudely from your sentence to sustain itself, the selfish fucker. It gives you a moment to figure out how to finish it, though.

DIRK: I didn’t mean to be weird like that.   
JAKE: N-no!   
JAKE: No, it wasn’t weird, don’t you worry about that old chum   
JAKE: I just   


Oh god, he’s ‘chumming’ you AND speaking fast--you fucked up bad.

JAKE: I just, wasn’t sure how to respond  
JAKE: To such a...sudden confession like that--  
DIRK: Yeah, I know, that was really intense.   
DIRK: I’m sorry about that, I didn’t want to throw you off.   


You say, cutting him off to spare you both more regret. You look away from his breathtaking, surprised-as-fuck face and gaze off towards home, lights and cans gathering in the distance, but not before you catch his eyebrows curling into a scowl and you sense you’ve made a new misstep.

JAKE: NO!   


Yep, misstep confirmed. Your heart sinks. He hasn’t sounded this angry at you since you started dating again. Since before then, maybe? When was the last time Jake had yelled like that? Your mind is suddenly racing to lock off the parts of you that are terrified.

JAKE: It wasn’t like that! You didn’t make it weird, i just…  


You force yourself to breathe, like Karkat said. One. You think oh god this is when he calls me on being an asshole, this is what I asked for, I thought I was going to be better this time. Two. You think someday you’re going to end up building a shrine to that guy, and Dave isn’t going to like it. Three. You only get halfway through the next rapid fire thought, moving too fast for the physics of Jake’s mouth, before he catches up.

JAKE: I just...i’d never seen that face on you before, is all.   
DIRK: …Huh?  


You sound slow, and shocked, and thrown completely from your saddle. And you guess Jake is surprised as you are, because his eyes spread open and suddenly he’s cackling, bending over at the stomach like it’s the wittiest thing you’ve ever said. Suddenly you feel flushed and red all over again.

JAKE: You looked like--pnfffffhahahAHA!!!   
JAKE: You look so gosh-darned SPOOKED, jeez!  
JAKE: You looked honest to mangleberries like the sudden victim of a master plan, oh man!  


You were--relaxing? You think? Starting to relax? Should you be?

JAKE: I wasn’t-heheh- i wasn’t upset, dirk, you were just blushing a lot. 

The admission takes with it most of his laughter--now he just looks slightly sheepish, grinning softly and rubbing his finger over the bottom of his nose like he’s playing an act. He puts his other hand in his pocket and rolls on the heels of his feet, and back again.

JAKE: You looked pretty cute, if you want me to be honest.   
JAKE: You’re pretty fuckin’ adorable when you’re all red.

Your heart does a pirouette. How can everything he does excite you so much? And suddenly, marvelously, something clicks and suddenly Jake is more like he was when you first saw him again, more like when you first started dating-- but also, and better, more like when you first became friends. His shoulders squared and his jaw set and grinning and his eyes narrowed, not in anger but in something that brings to mind words like intention and conquest, and something--everything--in you quivers in a rush thinking you’re where they’re aimed at. 

He takes a step and you lose a breath and then his hand is brushing against yours and his thumb is cradling the side of your neck and he’s pulling you in, sudden and tender, and your lips meet and there’s a rush of white, white, white flooding your head softly, like a melody you heard when you were dreaming and hoped you wouldn’t forget. 

When he pulls away from you it’s playful and naughty in a way he’d never been before, not even when you were just starting to wander your planets together, fucking around and fooling around, figuring out what it was the two of you added even meant. 

He’s just barely half a quarter of a head taller than you, lately, but it feels like a lot when he pulls even closer instead and gently, slowly takes your glasses off your head. You think it’s the first time in your life you’ve let him and there’s that rush, that tingle shooting up your spine again. You feel loose and weak against the hard, black fabric of your jeans when he tucks the glasses into his pocket and his hand closes around your hip, the other one trailing over your chest. Green eyes, dark hair, the white peeking through his mouth in streaks. 

He doesn’t get any sultrier or more romantic, though--and good thing, too, because you don’t know if you could handle it. Instead he suddenly loses his sharpness, and instead of desire and thirst coming at you, claiming you, he’s just your friend, one of your best and your oldest friends, a boy you knew growing up an impossible amount of time and distance away from here and now. He looks...vulnerable, like there’s hurt in his eyes that’s just starting to heal (and your heart breaks at it) and wistful (and your heart aches at it) and hopeful, starting to believe. 

(Your heart soars at that.)

JAKE: You...you meant that?   
DIRK: I...yeah. Yeah. Of course. I mean, obviously.   


Your mind is drifting like a race car on his hands, on the curve of his chest and his hips. This is too sudden, too soon, you were supposed to take it slow but god damnit you’ve wanted this so very, very bad. You’re feeling too much and at this point there’s no helping it, you can’t stop the words, they just come too fast,

DIRK: I mean, really, if you think back it stands to reason.  
DIRK: I mean that I thought about you a lot back then, it’s really obvious in hindsight   
DIRK: you probably didn’t even need me to tell you th--  
JAKE: I had thoughts like that too, you know.  


No overwrought mannerisms, no drama, not even the hint of a jest. Your mind, for once, is completely blank. He must notice the opportunity because he continues.

JAKE: Not all the time, i mean--i had fantasies like that about...other people, sometimes.   
JAKE: And lots of girls, from movies and stuff, i guess.   
JAKE: But...you know, i had them about you, too. A lot, sometimes, in fact.   
JAKE: Those are just as real to me.   
JAKE: Maybe even more, because with you i could kind of wonder if I COULD have them? You know   
DIRK: O-oh.   


It’s ridiculous how he’s wiped you clean, shut you down tonight again and again. How does he know how to do that?

DIRK: Well, shit, alright. I...I never knew that.  
JAKE: Yeah, I know.   
JAKE: There’s probably loads of other stuff like that you don’t know, though.   
JAKE: We never really do talk about stuff like that i guess.   
DIRK: Yeah.   
DIRK: I guess I just...uh, sorry.  
DIRK: I just didn’t think there WAS anything like that. You know, involving me.   


Jake scoffs--snorts, almost-- and something softer and cleaner takes over because he lets go of you and swings his arm over your shoulders instead. You hips still feel like melted iron, though, flushed and eager and wet. You can’t really miss the tent of him beating against his pants. He meets your eyes and he knows you know and you know he knows and neither of you say anything, there’s still that unspoken not time yet, but you feel closer to him suddenly than you ever really have. Thank all the stars for Karkat, honestly--you are definitely making that fucking shrine. 

 

 

You venture a hesitant hand over his back and he grabs it and pulls it over his hips, it doesn’t even feel sexual, he just wants you there, close at hand. You set off on your long walk toward Can Town, following his lead--it would be so much faster flying, but something in Jake’s demeanor tells you he isn’t in a hurry to get over there, and you certainly aren’t eager to say goodnight. His arm is heavy and big and warm and perfect, cradling your neck. Another you, a you that was more honest or more ready or less of a chickenshit, would lean his head against the bulk of him now and score prime fucking comfy dude. 

But that’s not you just yet. Which is why after a couple minutes, just as you were starting to think the moment had passed, it floors you when Jake just picks up the string again and says

JAKE: The truth is,   
JAKE: Sometimes I’d think about you at night too.   
JAKE: When the monsters were particularly loud or i heard skittering on the roof and it made me nervous  
JAKE: Or...other times like that.   


Your breath catches on something again. It keeps happening.

DIRK: R...seriously?  
JAKE: Yeah!  
JAKE: I mean, sometimes to be honest it kind of made it worse, what with brobot and all  


Your heart sinks at that. Christ, tonight has turned into such a rollercoaster suddenly, someone let you off Mr. Jake’s Wild Ride.

JAKE: But a lot of the times, especially if i actually got to talk to you that day.  
JAKE: You know, instead of the stupid fucking auto-responder?   
JAKE: It was nice. Really nice.   
JAKE: I liked how thinking about you made me feel more...safe.   
JAKE: Like if something went wrong, if something somehow got in--   
JAKE: We could handle it, as long as you were around. It helped me fall asleep better  


Oh. Yeah, for a moment you almost forgot. You never want off Mr. Jake’s Wild Ride.

DIRK: That’s...that’s nice.  
JAKE: Yeah.   


You focus very hard on the design on your shirt, and you try very hard to ignore the heat on your face and Jake’s eyes staring, taking you in. 

He said that in a deep, distant tone his voice takes rarely-- a tone that you’ve only heard a few times before, a tone that turns all those shivers that climbed up to your neck and kicks them the fuck off the infinite staircases of your spine, pure heat, pure heat--falling over you, washing, cascading around your ass and pooling up around your thighs, rising to your chest. You can feel your heart beating hard and fast, you feel like you should be glowing with the energy. 

So it’s no surprise when he says

JAKE: Say, dirk?   


But it’s still a thrill that makes you dizzy from toe to head.

DIRK: Yeah?  
JAKE: I hope this isn’t too forward, but  
  
DIRK: Yes.   
JAKE: O-oh, um, but i--  
DIRK: You were going to ask me to come over to your place, right?   
DIRK: Come on. Sorry for cutting you off, but I’m not that dense.  
JAKE: Ah. Haha, yeah.   
JAKE: You know my intentions too well, my man.   
JAKE:I guess I just hide what i want too badly, huh? Heheh.  


He smiles ruefully, a little embarrassed but really not a bit ashamed. 

 

God, he looks so good, so eager and coiled and desiring of you, and you know all the signs and they’re written all over him but you still don’t quite believe them.  
And the way he says that, it cracks something in you, something old and tired and sad, and you realize it’s another layer of wall creaking, bending, threatening to fall, so you push yourself and you shove at it and--

DIRK: I hope I am, man.   
DIRK: What you want, I mean.   
DIRK: I’m trying to believe that, and it’s scary, but  


You meet his eyes and suddenly you know you can’t ever take this back, it’s obvious--it’s in the way he looks surprised and sad and pitying you, almost, but you push that ugly thought away because it might stop you and you know that he’s really just feeling for you. You want this, you remind yourself. You decided.

DIRK: I just really hope I am.  


He pouts, and his lip honestly almost quivers, and it’s so fucking unfair--how he can just use his feelings like paint on himself, laying it all bare, obvious and undeniable, making you feel like an idiot for finding the capacity to doubt sincerity like this, in full force and focused like sunlight through a magnifying lens.

JAKE: Trust me.   


Suddenly his lips are pressed into you again, and you realize vacantly that it should be too dark for you to see him so clearly...and that’s when you realize he’s glowing. 

Softly, but unmistakably, white dim light comes from him, flowing slowly, casting you in light. He comes closer, and closer, and soon he’s lighting you up and off the ground, your legs spread and bent between his, both of you floating softly into the sky like you were kicked off by the sheer force of Jake’s inertia and gravity. That sounds ridiculous, you think, but it’s Jake and so it makes perfect sense. 

Another wall shattered. You didn’t think you’d start succeeding at this so quickly, and the pace of it kind of terrifies you. But that’s all distant, an offshore siren, too easy to ignore under the hum and the beating of Jake, Jake, Jake.

JAKE: Hey, dirk?   
DIRK: Yeah?   
JAKE: You know, I was planning to ask since i heard about it   
JAKE: From my chum tavvie, you know him--  
DIRK: Mm Hm.   


You don’t try to stop yourself when you find your hands wandering, feeling him through the shirt tucked tight into his pants. He doesn’t stop you, either.

JAKE: Well, he reminded me, about--Oh! Ah..  
JAKE: About that tip top new establishment our glowy friend Davepeta set up, and--  
DIRK: You wanna head there instead of straight home?   
JAKE: Um, maybe, if you were interested, i just thought it’d be worth taking a gander at.  
JAKE: Sounds romantic and adventurous and new and all that.  
DIRK: Actually, I was probably going to try and check it out  
  
JAKE: Oh???  
DIRK: ...Tomorrow.  
JAKE: Oh.  
DIRK: Yeah, uh. Rose told me about it, apparently Dave had quite a trip in there. She wanted to check it out next, but asked me to take a look at it soon too  
DIRK: Allegedly because ‘Heart Shit’ is my department.  
JAKE: Ah, i see  


He doesn’t look too disappointed, but any disappointment at all is too much to bear right now. Anything opportunity to break glass and metal, another excuse to crack this sorry shell--what was becoming of you tonight?

DIRK: Look, I’d..  
DIRK: I’d say yes, but there seems to be a lot of alternate selves shit going on with that place.  
DIRK: and I...don’t know if I want that, right now. You know?  
JAKE: Oh! Oh...yes, totally. I feel you, strider.  
DIRK: Good. You can come with me tomorrow, if you want. And besides  
DIRK: All that Hope potential...have you looked at yourself, Jake?   


His eyes widen, eyebrows lost, he doesn’t understand. He looks down at his arms curled around you, at his shoulders pressed just a little low, against the barrel of your chest. White steam, white light, churning around him like the prettiest underbellies seafoam on the biggest waves in the sea, your favorites. Rocking you, warming you, lighting you ablaze. 

There’s no ignoring subtext, text, implications this obvious--no plausible deniability, that this sudden development could have to do with anything but you, with anything but how he feels for you. Tomorrow, maybe you’d find a way--though not if you had anything to say about it--but not tonight. Not tonight. 

 

So he meets your eyes again, understanding, and grins, you just smile back and hope like hell it looks as sincere as you feel it inside.

DIRK: I don’t think cosmic knowledge magic can do anything for me that you can’t.  


And... maybe it’s the admission that there’s something related to knowledge Jake can give? 

Something you don’t know that you need to learn from him? 

But suddenly his grin is wider than ever and he’s brighter than ever and your lips are meeting and you can feel the light of him everywhere now, it’s like hands, like his hands doubled over again and again into dozens or hundreds or millions--brushing up against you, rubbing, stroking, grasping, seeking. 

It’s white and grey and it’s like light but also like fog or like how you’d imagine a cloud to feel in heaven--softer than cotton and warmer but gentler than sunlit air. It’s above you, behind you, surrounding you, under you. Under you, like Jake is. You feel like you’re disappearing into the white, dissolving into a dew, but it’s okay--it’s Jake you’re melting into, Jake blurring all his lines with you, and how long had you wanted this, how long had you yearned?

Then there’s a... shifting, like like white fog curling and spinning away from a gust, and then contraction, and suddenly you weren’t inside Jake, not in that white cloud of bliss and caring--instead, Jake’s bedsheets, white against dark green. Familiar. How many times you’d stared at those sheets, wishing to lay in them. 

Jake is standing over you, feet firm on the ground, shoulders high in the air, and his easy, hungry smile and the obvious rise in his pants threaten to bring up something primal in you, something desperate, so it’s a relief when it’s Jake who moves first, Jake who takes over, always smiling as he leans over and damn near yanks off your shirt, straight up rips the belt out of your pants. 

You let him. Holy shit. This is the best. 

 

 

He’s got you by the hips now, your button and zipper undone by an unseen hand. When did he get your shoes off? There’s no white light now, no glowing, just Jake standing tall and confident, only it seems like he downright must just have many more hands. 

Your suspicions are confirmed when both of his hands curl over the top of you, brushing between your happy trail and your cock already pumping and squirming beneath the threads. Simultaneously, what you cannot see but can definitely FEEL as Jake’s hands hold your behind, lift you gently before you think to do it yourself. You look down and catch a tiny glimmer of white in a shape vague yet familiar enough that you know it completely. 

You meet Jake’s eyes and there’s no green in them, just light, light, light going down forever. He tugs at your pants and you’re free of them but captured completely in him. Jake is a whirlwind, a cyclone of hands, stroking with a single finger here, running you over with his full curled palm there, playing with his tongue on you in twenty different places--all of it, overlaid, like an avalanche, snow made fire covering you at every layer.

DIRK: AH! Fuck!  


You’ve never cried out like that, naked and craving, your voice high and reedy. You don’t need to look at him to see if he liked it, you can feel it from him now, you can hear it in the deep growl in his throat, pure hunger. 

Another wall breaks in you. This is what he wants from you? This is what he likes? You know he can hear you when in the deepest core of your soul you say,  
Take it. 

And then he’s on you again, when did his pants come off? Doesn’t matter, doesn’t matter. All of a sudden your brain just can’t keep up with what he’s doing, moving too quickly in too many ways for you to follow and it’s all you can do just to keep up, just to receive the ways he gives out pleasure without breaking down immediately. How have you not come yet? The brilliant light --Not Hope, just Jake--, the myriad hands and tongues and dicks touching you all over-- you’d never imagined anything like this, it shouldn’t be possible, how can you even come close to standing it?

 

You can’t wrap your head around it until Jake notices and you’re not sure if he says it out loud or if he just feels it at you but you hear

JAKE: Not until i say so, i’m afraid   


And a vision--through your eyes, you think, your actual eyes? Of him actually leaning down to meet your eyes and somehow, despite holding himself up on hands and knees, he’s just merrily telling the laws of physics to go fuck themselves and giving you some double pistols and a wink. And, fuck, alright, you guess that’s the last mystery left that ever mattered. There’s nothing else to think about anymore, which means there’s nothing left of your attention he doesn’t take for him.

And oh god, he uses it. Suddenly you’re deeply aware that he hated how you always sought to touch him only in the darkest, most private caverns and night-lit rivers, only in places where you knew he couldn’t see. Suddenly you know exactly how badly he wanted to see, to drink you in, and to be seen, to make you see. It’s like unspoken words but also it’s like realizing something that should have been deeply obvious to you, something if you’d been less self-absorbed back then you would have easily seen. 

He’s perched with his knees over your head, a blur of some sort, and he’s pressing his hard cock against you on the other end, the gentle nudging of a ghost. But then he collapses between the two and he’s leaning over you, on hands and knees, and you can’t even absorb the eyeful of huge hairy Jake thighs-and-dick before his mouth is on you, and you can’t even try to stifle another scream. Not that you’d want to anymore, anyway. 

You use it, instead, and suddenly Jake’s flesh is on your tongue, inside your hands, between your lips. He tastes like salt and gold, you think--gold the way you’d imagine it in a movie or in divinity, God’s holy mineral, the ultimate goal of arcane alchemies. 

 

 

 

He groans your name, a long, deep Diiirk, and you’re absolutely certain nothing can ever go up from here. Oh, god, you feel yourself sliding into him down to the base, his nose and cheeks tickling your pubic hair. You roll him open and closed and open again, gazing, staring, marveling at the bounce and the thickness of him. He thrusts slightly into you, not hard--not even deliberate, just an inescapable response to stimulus. Even so, it opens your mouth wider and opens him up in you, and jesus christ that is your new favorite feeling.

JAKE: Oh, fuckadoodle. Sizzle my crackers, bro…  


He husks, whiny almost, petulant and what the fuck is he saying? 

You love it and you want him to know it, know it better than just because he can see it with his stupid bullshit hope powers, so you reward him--one hard suck at the base, another at the tip, each one prompting moans from him at successively higher pitches. His hands are everywhere around your bottom half, aflutter, a frenzy--yanking on your cock, wet and probing at your hole, stroking and rubbing at your balls and crotch and buttcheeks, impossible to distinguish or even focus in the blizzard of sensation. 

Instead of trying for either of those, you settle for what you do best-- accomplishing. A little more licking and prompting rewards you with Jake suddenly bucking his hips in earnest, making high and happy grunts at the wetness and warmth in you for him. Faster than you would’ve guessed, he’s suddenly filling your mouth with him, a voiceless but pleading yes clawing out from your heart and into his. There’s so much of it, it’s so strong and visceral in taste and all of it is yours, all of it is Jake. He gasps and gasps, back arched upwards, trying to draw air back into him. 

The storm of hands subsides, for a moment, leaving you to focus on his thumb and index finger, resting between your balls and the base of your dick, forcing you up to a perfect right angle so that looking down you take in the whole length of it, captured in Jake’s lazy, merciless grip. You feel so hard you’re going to burst, oh god, you can’t take it. 

Jake laughs.

JAKE: Well, we can’t have that, now can we old chum?   


Fuck, you guess you said that out loud? Only there’s no time to think of something witty, no time to think of anything before he leaps off you or just appears between your legs again? And you can see the white glowing around his crotch and you feel the way he spreads your legs at his hips and you know what it means, oh god, you want what it means. 

His hand closes over your dick and slowly, sloooowly rubs up up and down and over between his palm and fingers, so slowly you run out of steam on your moaning and just start gasping for air, grabbing for anything to keep you stable. You can’t do anything but stare at the tuft of hair casting shadows on the back of his hand, facing towards you, as it touches and plays with and owns your dick. And all the while other hands are summoning lube out of a cabinet you didn’t know he kept it in, pouring it onto him, lifting your rump and gently rubbing it into you, and he locks eyes with you the whole time, smiling--grinning, like he scored the jackpot. At you, like this. 

One of his phantom hands brushes over you, not just over pubic hair but rising up out of it, up your happy trail, up into the light layer of fur on your stomach and over your chest. Another is still playing with your balls. That asshole real one moving at the pace of a turtle still has your dick. Your brain is dead, your thoughts are fried, throughout all of it all you can think is He wants this he wants this he wants you he wants this, a mantra hammered into you, a lesson you thought you’d never learn now burned into your brain with pure, hard proof and ecstasy. 

You’re not sure how or why he even remembers to ask, but he does, and for some reason you love him all the more for it--for the concern, the hesitance and desire, the sheer candor of his voice.

JAKE: So, um. Do you, uh, that is...do you want me to?   


He looks so vulnerable and pleading. Like there’s a chance in paradox space you might not say yes. Like there’s a single lifetime where this isn’t what you’re living for.

DIRK: Please, fuck, yes.   


Is all you can say, and he’s laughing again, no doubt thrilled  
he’s finally found a way to shut up stupid smartmouth Strider. Then he’s bucked over you, ghostly (angelic?) white hands raising you up to meet him, holding you down and feeling you at the chest, at the hips, at the wrists, holding your ankles at exactly the angles he wants them. He’s not harsh, but he won’t be denied, and there’s only the tiniest give to any motion you try for. 

Suddenly, irrevocably and completely, you are his. You’re sure the knowledge alone would have made you orgasm if he’d deigned to allow it to, but as it is it still brings another loud moan out of your lips. 

Then you feel the heat of his legs bumping up against your own, his furry belly and chest rubbing up against you, you feel his breath on your neck and chin and his eyes heavy-lidded and thickly happy, staring directly into you. And then you feel the gentle pressure of him pressing up against you, a knocking, a heads up, warm and wet…

 

Then there’s another nudge just a little less gentle, and with a gasp from you and a sigh from him he’s in, deep and seeking deeper. Jake… you manage, and Dirk… he barely responds, sounding almost pained. Oh, wow. He’s so thick and warm and big, seeking out new parts of you, claiming unknown territory. You’re scared, a tiny bit, and so’s he--but that’s fine, it’s an adventure. 

He adjusts a little and suddenly you feel his hips connect to your bottom and you know there’s no more give, and then he uses his hand--his real hand, tan skin and flesh instead of shimmering white silhouette--to bring your chin up away from the taking of you and into Jake’s eyes instead. All the better. When he pulls out and thrusts back in again you yelp and he gives a little chirp and you can see it in his eyes how much he loved it, how much he loves doing this with you. Incorruptible data. You take it in, you take him in in every way you’re able. 

 

 

 

Then he’s rocking, in and out, first gently and then with rising speed, his legs spread slightly above you, the impact bouncing you upwards with the force of his mounting. You manage to watch his face twist and cringe and grin half the time, in between your own spurts of twitching and vocalizing. His hand is on your cheek, fingers resting along your throat, and when he pulls you up with it for a kiss you lean into it like a hungry man.

Jake’s hands racing along your back, sending electricity running through you with what must be more force than a star, than the universe, than everything. Jake’s hand, wet and merciless, riding up and down your length. Just when you think you can’t take it anymore he hitches suddenly and gives a shout, and something in him loosens and you can feel his warmth filling you up somewhere else. 

At that exact moment, it’s like he lets you loose somehow, and suddenly you’re cumming too, shockingly powerful, white liquid forcing its way out of you so hard you can barely hear your own hollering. What you can do is watch--maybe Jake makes you?-- as he makes sure to aim you up, into his navel, onto the thick fur of his chest and his hips. As far as you can tell he makes it so you don’t miss a drop, and you let loose all of it on him, coating him in you. He pants, deep and satisfied, as he listens to moaning you didn’t realize you were still making, an unreserved Aaaah, Aaaah, Aaaah in descending intensity. 

He lingers. Loiters about, stroking you up and down. Coaxing more soft begging out of you, as he slowly, so slowly, pulls out of what you can feel distantly that he’s marked as “Home”. And, well--damned if you aren’t perfectly just fucking alright with that.

 

There’s a blur again, a whitening of the features of the world, and before you know it you’re resting on Jake’s hairy chest, his legs spread wide and his cock with plenty of room to breathe, your right leg entwined with his left, the length of you pressed against him with his hand on your shoulder, pulling you close. 

 

 

His chest isn’t soaking wet, like you’d expected--no globs of white to clean up now, which might have been kind of gross to deal with. Instead it was just a little humid still, though the smell of it was all over him and you had a feeling he knew it, and an even deeper feeling he wouldn’t have cleaned up even that much except that he wanted to be your pillow. 

You could still feel him inside you, though--hot and sticky, leaking out. You guess it’s obvious he could have done something about that, too--which also makes it obvious he wanted to keep it that way. You’re not sure what to think of that except that if you weren’t so tired you’d happily have more, and you don’t care too much if that’s weird right now. Jake’s panting is loud, and vocal, and his furry chest heaves and sighs with every beat. You stare and you notice when he opens his eyes and stares at you staring, but that’s fine, you know that he likes it this way. That’s fine.

JAKE: Dirk, look at me.  


It sounds like an order, almost--or maybe that’s just because that for him there’s nothing you wouldn’t do. Whatever the case, you comply. He looks more tired and more happy than you’ve ever seen anyone be ever, which is nice, because that’s how you’re feeling, too.

  
JAKE: I love you a lot, dirk.   
JAKE: Dirk strider.   
JAKE: Dirky boy, my man pal friend...er, that is to say of course boyfriend...  


It’s completely unbelievable how a line can start off so suave and, even after doing THAT--whatever the fuck he just did to you--, become so quickly and jarringly flustered. You can’t help but stifle a laugh, but you do it against his chest and god, it’s so nice how the hair of him brushes against your fingers, against your lips. Better than you’d ever imagined.

  
DIRK: Yeah.   
DIRK: Yeah, Jake, I think I know that.  
DIRK: I love you too.   


You’re happy that you think you almost sounded cool about it, casual maybe, like you hadn’t dreamed of saying it for most of your years. Maybe there’s something left of your poker game you can salvage, for pretending at least. So it’s nice that he doesn’t say anything and just lets you.

But it’s also nice when something of Jake, some softly shining knowing, stirs inside you, and the glint of sharpness in his eye tells him he saw right through you.  
He wants you to know he’s letting you off the hook.  
Stupid lousy infinite Page potential. 

Jake’s chest, falling and rising with his breathing. The beating of his heart--a sound you’d never heard before, one you should’ve guessed you’d enjoy as much as you’re enjoying it now. His one arm behind his head, the other slung around your back.  
Falling asleep that night is easy. It’s the first time you think it ever has been. 

But not the last.


	6. Skaian Shuffle

The sunlight coming in from outside is a deep gold-orange, and warm. It’s late into the evening now, and night will come quickly. The humidity is thick and sticky, though the air outside was fresh and brisk for the small periods you opened the window. All the wet and heat was made up between the two of you. 

You stare into his face as he lies on his back, eyes fixed on the roof. You know better than to wonder if his mind is fixed away from you. It’s like yours is right now--chafed and tired and sore and satisfied. You don’t know how long it’s been-- A few hours? A night? A century? Surely, the thought thinks itself, at least a few days now. 

You’ve lost count of the ways you’ve touched him, the ways he’s touched you, the various assortments in which you’ve pressed and twisted and came close and united. For an eternity, there was nothing Yours--just His and Mine and Ours. 

More than that. Ours, not like just you or his-- though, also hat. But Ours, like all of yours--All you can think is that you are both strings, drawn tight and taut, and somehow Davepeta’s music pulled at you. Hard. Made you sing and shake and throb, made you aware of how you would look from the outside--not a single line reflecting light, but a blur of white and the sound of a tune.

How much of what you did happened with the hands that now belong to you? How much was another momentary fantasy playing out in your head in the midst of action (a hand brushing on a thigh, a thought brushing up against the nape of his neck, a vision of your mouth to the narrow field of Karkat resting between hard dick and navel--) there’s no way to differentiate what you actually did here, what you did in another timeline, and what you or he or both might have imagined. 

No, more than impossible, it’s irrelevant. The answer to what is always everything. 

Terezi echoes in your head for a moment from across so many lifetimes:

HOW MUCH OF WH4T YOU S33 IS M4D3 UP OF WH4TS 1N YOUR M1ND?

Then she’s gone, like everything is, swallowed under the heft and the weight of Karkat-- a sun, a black hole, or something even bigger and stronger, always drawing your heart in and in and closer into him.

This Karkat was new to you, somehow. Every part of you both was always so fearful, so hurt, so cautious. It was sweet, and tender, and gentle--both of you too hurt to risk, too scared to let it get too real. Or at least, visceral. Karkat is the realest thing that’s ever happened to you. 

But tonight there was no fear, no distance, no careful hedging or resignation from either of you to the disdainful burden of carrying the weight of personal identity. Karkat loved this.  
So did you.

 

 

You ponder how entire universes died to get you into this bed with him. You died for it. Lots of times. Even now there could be approximately a trillion dead dave ghosts out in space somewhere, not getting a smooch with Karkat. Dating other people, maybe. Or just getting slaughtered by a giant space hulk monster. And what about the people who didn’t even get that much? The ones who died to buy you the ticket into the space game and bring you here? To bring him here? 

You try to swallow the absurd, impossible enormity of it all. You try to imagine it--entire universes, entire infinities, swallowed up in the quest to your hand on the dick of this ornery troll dude from another planet. You can’t do it, it’s impossible. No amount math or science can ever make sense of it. 

And, though you think maybe it’s kind of selfish and shitty, for the first time you decide it was worth it. All of it. That hot apartment, your Bro, hating yourself, playing Sburb, hating the world, dying for it, being scared, trying to save your friends, dying for them, trying to understand, watching youtube videos thinking the person who made this is dead, trying to save what’s left, knowing you’ve left behind not just a dying planet but a dying universe, and trying to imagine the size of that despair and failing to.

Not just your personal tragedies, but all of them. All of the chaos and the sorrow and the futility. All of the pain that comes with the ill fortune of being born a Dave or just a person in this ridiculous, massive, incomprehensibly fucked universe. 

It was all worth it, if it led to being here. Looking at him. Understanding how rare and precious and true all of this is. 

You don’t open your mouth to talk about it, or to ask what he thinks, because you already know he feels it too. In those hours there was one Dave, two daves, five Daves all in one moment--it wasn’t on purpose, it just...happened that way. You were too hungry for it, for him, to want to settle for just one view. You wanted to swallow him from every angle, at every opportunity, to exploit every second and burn him in like a photograph again and again, to absorb not just the sight but the essence of him into you. 

So suddenly one of you would show up and you’d think Awesome, I have to see that shot and then there you were, again and again-- hands playing, grasping, backing off, petting, papping, stroking, handling. Living every moment to the fullest. 

In those hours, Karkat was more than grey skin and black hair and loud mouth. He was…a great red, like a sea but without water, just the feeling of the push and the pull. And stronger than waves would be, thicker, like gravity clawing and hauling you in. 

He glowed with it sometimes, the blood pumping, throbbing into your arms and face and cock, your heart beating hard and fast. The red grew out of him like tendrils (like miles) and whenever your mind threatened to wander they would touch you--warm, but soft and gentle. Caressing. Wrapping around and tugging at you, bringing you close. 

 

They were physical but also more--like blood, if the blood cells were memories. You and Karkat cuddled up, watching romcoms. Stroking Karkat’s back and, bizarrely, being slapped off while he fought tears off (now you know how much it surprised him, how he wanted it so badly). Karkat yelling at you on the meteor in another life, arguing about shipping and scheduling. Karkat yelling at you and John in another life (but also this life), yelling about incest and troll girls and scheduling. Weird, how different the feelings were then.  
But funny, and also sweet, if you were to be honest. 

Just parts of a dance that would lead you here, eventually. And it’s like the memories and the feelings come back through him, like he can use all the parts of you that belong to him, that are part of him, that tie you together. He reaches in and grabs tugs and plays you like a fiddle. (Here is my devotion to you. Here is my vulnerability. Here is my gratitude.)  
Just strings to pull sounds out of you with, in his hands.

Every time your body threatened to tire, every time your cock felt like it might soften up, he’d bring up another thought, pull out another memory, give you another yank with that red lash or the bizarre, invisible pull of him, and suddenly you were rock hard and desperate for more. 

Did your boyfriend seriously have the power to override the human refractory period? It sounded like something out of some bullshit hentai anime, and ordinarily you would make fun of that, but it was hard to feel much humor yet--even if your ability to think was slowly coming back to you. 

The raw reality of it empties you. You were inside him. He was inside you. Sequentially, concurrently, in a million different meanings of the terms. 

Who’d been in control, who had kept the power? You, with a million hands holding down, exploring, grasping, tugging, laying claim? Him, with his vice grip on your heart, on your cock, with the whips and chains of red blood (the weight of love given form and function) pulling and tugging and shackling you to his desire? You? Him? Neither? Both? And neither of you had been hurt. Both of you with bared bodies and undiluted souls, and not a single moment of pain between you. This was safe. 

There really was nothing left to hide anymore, nothing to disguise, nothing to protect. You’d destroyed all that, utterly, decisively. 

Eventually you’d both get up and start playing the games again, but they would be just that--games, fun acts, meaningless gesture of humor. Nothing could ever dilute or erode this kind of bond, you were sure of that. It was...like a dream come true. Or something better, something that you’d never imagined you could even dream of. 

Heaven was this: Just loving him, and loving yourself, and never wanting to lie about that again. 

 

Whatever Davepeta did, it was starting to fade, slightly. You felt less...multiple, less aware of the millions of ways this could be and was playing out, less like you were both endless, infinite kaleidoscopes, dancing your dance a million different ways at once. You felt emptier and fuller at the same time, more yourself. You’re glad. Not that that wasn’t...incredible, but maybe you’d have been starting to miss being Dave by now, if you had the presence of mind to miss anything. 

Somehow, thinking that grounded you even more. Enough that maybe you could remember what words are, and how to use them.

DAVE: hey

It comes out slow and low and clumsy. He’s startled for a second, and his eye wanders down from the roof to look at you. That’s when you finally notice the feeling in them is not what you expected to see. He seems more grounded, more focused, than you feel--that, and…

DAVE: what’s wrong  
DAVE: are you sad???  


It’s hard to actually feel sad or scared or anxious like this, but you think you come close. Mostly you think you reach confused, but it doesn’t last long.

KARKAT: NOT REALLY.  
KARKAT: I MEAN, NOT ABOUT US. ABOUT YOU. THAT WAS...HOLY SHIT.   
DAVE: yeah  
KARKAT: I LOVE YOU. A LOT. I’M REALLY GLAD THAT I...THAT ALL OF THIS…  
DAVE: yeah, i know. i love you too.   


It comes out so easily now. Two years and a half--more, maybe?--and you’d never said it, but now here it was. Admitted as casually as the weather of the afternoon.

KARKAT: I JUST…  
KARKAT: ALL OF THAT. SEEING THE PAST, ALL THOSE PRESENTS, EVEN BITS OF THE FUTURE…  
KARKAT: I DIDN’T SEE SOLLUX.   
DAVE: sollux  
DAVE: like your troll bro with the weird eyes, the guy i met at the green sun  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT, YOU REMEMBER THAT???  
DAVE: kind of  
DAVE: its all a blur but i mean yeah it was a pretty important moment after all  
KARKAT: HUH.   
KARKAT: WELL, YEAH. HIM. NO ARADIA EITHER, FOR THAT MATTER.  
KARKAT: OR VRISKA, OR NEPETA, OR TAVROS…  
KARKAT: THOUGH I GUESS THOSE TWO ARE OBVIOUS, SINCE THEY’RE GHOSTS.  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW. I JUST… WAS KIND OF HOPING THEY’D SHOW UP EVENTUALLY, YOU KNOW? JUST...FLOAT IN FROM THE SKY SUDDENLY. DAVEPETA DID, AFTER ALL, AND THEY SAID SOME TROLLS WERE ON THE WAY.  
KARKAT: BUT THAT WAS LIKE, A YEAR AGO!!! AND THEY WOULDN’T EVEN ANSWER MY QUESTIONS ABOUT WHICH TROLLS!!  
KARKAT: AND JUST…  
KARKAT: I WISH IT WASN’T THIS WEIRD DARK SPOT IN ALL THE FUCKING DIFFERENT VARIANTS OF MAGIC VISION WE GET ACCESS TO, IT’S GETTING REALLY OLD.  
KARKAT: I KNOW THERE WAS NO CHANCE OF THINGS GOING DIFFERENTLY, AND I DON’T REGRET IT IF IT LED ME TO YOU.  
KARKAT: BUT THAT DOESN’T STOP ME FROM WISHING I’D BEEN A BETTER LEADER, AND KEPT MY FRIENDS SAFE.  
KARKAT: OR EVEN JUST A BETTER FRIEND, AND MADE THINGS...I DON’T KNOW. BETTER, INSTEAD OF WORSE, BACK THEN.   
KARKAT: AND DON’T EVEN TRY TO SAY I DID, I KNOW HOW YOU FELT ABOUT ME FOR BEING A JACKASS TO JADE, I FELT THAT SHIT TOO.  
DAVE: i wasnt gonna   
KARKAT: NOT THAT THAT’S EVEN THE WORST OF IT.   
KARKAT: I WISH I’D BEEN NICER TO TAVROS, GOD KNOWS THAT KID NEEDED IT, TRAPPED WITH FUCKING VRISKA.   
KARKAT: AND HIM AND EQUIUS BEING AROUND AS SPRITES IS COOL AND ALL BUT ALSO KIND OF WEIRD AND NOT REALLY THE SAME. YOU KNOW.  
DAVE: yeah  
KARKAT: BUT MOSTLY…  
KARKAT: I JUST MISS MY BROS.  
KARKAT: I MISS SOLLUX AND OUR STUPID BULLSHIT FAKE RIVALRY ABOUT CODE, AND OUR PARTICULAR BRAND OF MUTUAL SHITTALK, AND WHATEVER.  
KARKAT: AND FUCK IN A WAY I GUESS I KIND OF MISS ERIDAN TOO, EVEN THOUGH HE’S A FUCKING ASSHOLE AND I HOPE FEFERI FOUND HIM IN THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE AND KILLED HIM AGAIN.  
KARKAT: AND, AS FUCKED UP AS IT IS, I EVEN MISS GAMZEE, TOO.   
DAVE: …  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW. IT’S FUCKED, I KNOW THAT.   
KARKAT: BUT HE WAS DIFFERENT BEFORE YOU KNEW HIM.   
KARKAT: TO THIS DAY I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO HIM, BUT FOR MOST OF MY LIFE HE WAS JUST THIS SILLY, LAUGHABLE, IRRELEVANT CLOWN.  
KARKAT: HE WOULDN’T HURT A FUCKING FLY!! HE WAS NEVER MEAN OR PETTY OR A POINTLESS ASSHOLE LIKE THE REST OF US.  
KARKAT: HE JUST KIND OF RAMBLED ABOUT HIS FUCKING MIRACLES AND WAS GENERALLY KIND OF AGREEABLE.  
KARKAT: AND YEAH HE TURNED INTO MAYBE THE *MOST* INSUFFERABLE ASSHOLE THAT EXISTS IN THE WHOLE ENTIRETY OF PARADOX SPACE.  
KARKAT: BUT IT JUST MAKES ME WONDER.  
KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THAT KID I KNEW?  
DAVE: hm  
KARKAT: BUT NOW I GUESS IT DOESN’T MATTER SINCE HE FUCKED OFF FOREVER AND I DON’T THINK I’LL EVER SEE HIM AGAIN.   
KARKAT: AND IN THAT SAME VEIN I DON’T THINK I’LL EVER SEE ANY OF THOSE KIDS AGAIN.  
KARKAT: ERIDAN, TAVROS, NEPETA, FEFERI  
KAKRAT: EVEN IF *MOST* OF THEM ARE KIND OF ALIVE AGAIN AS COMBINED SPRITECLONES OR WHATEVER, I GUESS.  
KARKAT: THEY’RE STILL...PRETTY DIFFERENT, AND THEY WON’T HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO LIVE OUT THEIR LIVES AND BE IMPORTANT LIKE I WAS, FOR SOME REASON, GRANTED THE CHANCE TO DO.  
KARKAT: AND IT JUST SEEMS CRUEL? WHICH I GUESS IT IS, IF ALL OF WHAT WE WENT THROUGH WAS FOR THE SAKE OF SATISFYING SOME COSMIC SKULL GOD’S RIDICULOUS SELF-CREATION TIMELOOP.  
KARKAT: LIKE, THE CRUELTY ISN'T JUST SOME SPITEFUL ASSERTION OF MEANING ABOUT THIS RIDICULOUS, FUCKED UP UNIVERSE THAT CHEWED US UP AND SPAT US OUT.   
KARKAT: INSTEAD IT'S JUST. A FACT. IT WAS SICK AND MEAN FOR A REASON, AND WE ACTUALLY, LITERALLY KNOW THAT.  
KARKAT: AND NOW I GUESS WE'RE FREE FROM ALL THAT, AND WE GET TO JUST EXIST INFINITELY FOREVER? LIKE, THAT'S WHAT THAT MEANS, BASICALLY, RIGHT?  
KARKAT: IF THERE'S NO DOOMED TIMELINES ANYMORE, AND MOST OF US ARE IMMORTAL AND HAVE IMMORTALITY MAGIC.  
KARKAT: IT SEEMS PRETTY EASY TO DO THE MATH.  
KARKAT: WE'RE ALL VIRTUALLY GUARANTEED TO LIVE....BASICALLY FOREVER?   
KARKAT: BUT THAT JUST PISSES ME OFF MORE.  
KARKAT: FOR THE KIDS THAT GIANT TIMELOOP BASICALLY JUST FUCKING TRAPPED.  
KARKAT: THE VERY NATURE OF THE PATH THAT LED US TO FREEDOM JUST LED THEM TO DEATH, ACTING AS BAIT OR FODDER TO A TERRIBLE COSMIC MANCHILD  
KARKAT: AND THEN LED THEM TO DEATH AGAIN. SUPER COSMIC TOTAL DEATH, THIS TIME, FOR GOOD FUCKING MEASURE.  
KARKAT: LIKE: WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT IS THAT?   
KARKAT: WHERE'S *THEIR* HAPPY ENDING?   
KARKAT: IT MAKES ME WISH I COULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.  
KARKAT: OR AT LEAST TALK TO THEM ABOUT IT, AND SAY SORRY.  
KARKAT: BUT WE DON’T EVEN DREAM ABOUT THEM ANYMORE FOR SOME REASON, SO I CAN’T EVEN DO THAT MUCH.   


You didn’t realize just how emotional he was about this until suddenly, right at can’t even do, his voice broke and his eyes welled and red was coming out of him in big droplets, pouring hard and fast, streaking down his cheek. He made a noise and tried to wipe them away, but you were already close, pulling him into you so his forehead was up against your chest and holding him. 

He didn’t cry much more, but he did wrap his arms around you and hold on tight. Maybe it was that he was as new to his powers as you were to feeling their effects, but you could feel him gathering himself, using you for support while he put himself back together. He'd never talked about them that much. You could understand why: It hurt him, how much he cared about them. All of them. You thought to yourself that you wished you could keep him safe forever, keep him from ever ever having to feel sad like this again. It's was..nice. To be able to do that for him, to feel him lean on you for strength.

And to be able to do this for him.

DAVE: you know  
DAVE: i think we saw things kind of differently  
DAVE: however you experienced it i think it was related to how you...naturally connect to reality?  
DAVE: like, that blood shit you’re doing now. That’s aspect shit, right? Not some weird troll powers you never told me about?  
KARKAT: OH…  
KARKAT: YEAH, I GUESS YOU’RE RIGHT.  
KARKAT: I FEEL LIKE I UNDERSTAND IT A LOT BETTER, NOW. ENOUGH TO SORT OF USE IT, KIND OF. IT’S PRETTY COOL.  
DAVE: pretty hot, if you ask me  
KARKAT: FUCK OFF, DAVE. DON’T MAKE MY MOMENT OF SELF-ACTUALIZATION ABOUT YOUR BONER, THANKS!!!  
DAVE: you mean your moment of self-actualization where you literally unlocked your cosmic powers to…  
DAVE: give me a boner  
KARKAT: FUCK. YOU.  
DAVE: lmao  
DAVE: anyway  
DAVE: what i felt was more...Timey… I guess?   
DAVE: i think i saw more concrete possibilities than you did, anyway.   
KARKAT: HUH.  
DAVE: i’m pretty sure all your friends are fine, dude.  
DAVE: the dancestors, too. I think i saw one of each of them traveling as a group  
KARKAT: WH…  
DAVE: don’t ask me how, i have no fucking clue  
DAVE: as usual everything that happens is complete bullshit and mostly incomprehensible  
DAVE: but that’s what i saw or felt or whatever, god knows when exactly  
DAVE: dunno what it means for all the ghosts either if one of each is suddenly alive again  
DAVE: all i got was a sense of...contraction, i guess.  
KARKAT: UM...WHAT?  
DAVE: i know  
DAVE: i cant really elaborate on that either it was just the word that came to mind  
KARKAT: A...ALRIGHT.  
KARKAT: ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS?  
DAVE: well, i mean  
DAVE: yes but i mean it was mostly just a bizarre, distant glimmer  
DAVE: totally devoid of context or place  
DAVE: so i have no idea like maybe they’re standed trying to find us and need help?  
DAVE: or maybe that was a vision from a different universe entirely and things are different here…  
DAVE: all it really told me was that there’s versions of them somewhere that are alive after that whole mess  
DAVE: sorry i guess i shouldn’t have been   
KARKAT: OH. YEAH. OK  
KARKAT: STILL, THAT’S…TO HAVE ANY INDICATION THAT THERE’S ANY HOPE AT ALL THERE IS...  
KARKAT: I…  


He trailed off, raised his head out of your chest and looked up, into your eyes. You didn’t turn away, just tried to take him in. Black hair and grey skin and black-on-yellow eyes.  
It seemed like he was trying to absorb your words, to find hope in them, to make them real. And then something unlatched and you could see him believe you, and his eyes welled up all over again and he was kissing you, hard and strong. Your cheek came away wet from a stray tear, but that was alright--he was smiling, not crying. Grinning, in fact. It was a look you hadn’t seen on Karkat in a long time--taut, like a string, sharp and hard and tight, ready to spring into action.

Determination.

KARKAT: ALRIGHT. COOL.  
KARKAT: THAT’S FUCKING AWESOME, IF YOU’RE RIGHT.  
KARKAT: ...THANKS FOR THAT.  
DAVE: dont mention it  


He sighs, and then...loosens again. Stares up at you. You watch as something else enters his eyes, something distant and weighty and pensive. Finally, after what seems like forever, he speaks.

KARKAT: I SHOULD TALK TO TEREZI TOMORROW.  
DAVE: aw man no  
DAVE: no that idea is awful we should stay in bed and cuddle all day  
DAVE: tbh i think thats the only thing either of us SHOULD do idk about you but i dont think i can walk  
DAVE: thanks to a certain someone  
DAVE: really i mean that was great but you could’ve held back at least a LITTLE, man   
DAVE: seriously i’m--  
KARKAT: SHUT UP  
KARKAT: FIRST OF ALL: I KNOW PERFECTLY WELL YOU LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT  
DAVE: damn  
KARKAT: SECOND OF ALL: AS IF I’M NOT EVERY BIT AS UTTERLY RUINED BY *YOUR* RIDICULOUS SLEDGEHAMMER OF A BONE BULGE  
DAVE: uh   
KARKAT: AND THIRD OF ALL: SERIOUSLY, YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I DO THAT IT’S IMPORTANT.   
KARKAT: IF VRISKA’S ALIVE AND KICKING, THAT’S GOING TO DO THE WORLD FOR HER, AND I’M TIRED OF WATCHING HER STRUGGLE AND STRIVE NOT TO SHOW THAT SHE’S LONELY AND FAIL UTTERLY COMPLETELY  
DAVE: yeah, i know  
KARKAT: AND...I DUNNO. I WANT TO BE THE ONE TO TELL HER.  
KARKAT: SHE WON’T TALK TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE, WE JUST GOT SO DISTANT WHEN WERE BOTH EMBROILED WITH OUR OWN RESPECTIVE ROMANCES   
KARKAT: BUT...I MISS HER. NOT THAT I REGRET HOW IT ALL TURNED OUT BUT, IT USED TO BE WE WERE A LOT CLOSER.  
KARKAT: HELL, THAT USED TO BE TRUE FOR THE TWO OF YOU, TOO.  
KARKAT: BUT, WELL, YOU GOT YOUR VISCERAL PEEK INTO MY THINKPAN. SO I GUESS HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER ISN’T NEWS TO YOU.  
DAVE: no, you’re right, i know.  
DAVE: and you’re probably right. If she gets the info from you instead of some other source maybe it’ll get her to...loosen, a little? Open up to you?  
DAVE: that would be nice.   
DAVE: and i guess...yeah, i have my own shit to take care of, too.   
KARKAT: YOU MEAN JOHN?   
DAVE: yeah. you were right, i really should’ve tried harder to be friendlier  
DAVE: i got kind of lazy and awkward about the whole “coming out as bi” thing and now it just sorta feels like a mess which sucks  
KARKAT: YEAH, I BASICALLY FIGURED.  
KARKAT: FOR THE RECORD THOUGH I’M ALWAYS RIGHT AND ME SAYING SO SHOULD’VE SPRUNG YOU INTO ACTION IMMEDIATELY, BUT WHATEVER, I’M USED TO BEING THE OFT-IGNORED VOICE OF REASON.  
DAVE: ahahahahah oh my god  
DAVE: i throw you a bone one time and look what happens   
DAVE: well whatever i guess i deserve your arrogant posturing this time and anyway its sorta cute   
KARKAT: IT IS, AND YOU DO.   
DAVE: yeah well  
DAVE: whatever. I guess we both have old crushes to revisit tomorrow  
DAVE: for now though i just want to be this huge piece of shit and just play with my cute arrogant boyfriend’s alien dong all night is that--  
DAVE: oof  


Red, red, red. Suddenly pushing onto you, rolling you over, holding you down. Karkat’s hand on you, searching and rubbing. It’s like he’s got you on strings--you’re weighed down where he wants you still, pulled foward where he wants to touch. And he wants to touch. He’s grinning and determined, still, but it’s different now. You’ve never seen this Karkat before. This is all the passion and honestly from earlier, but Davepeta’s majyyks have dissipated completely. This isn’t daves and karkats in blurry synchronicity. This is Dave, and Karkat. Unique. Singular. And this is what he chose to do next, this boy you gave your heart to.

KARKAT: IT’S MORE THAN FINE, IN MY BOOK.   
DAVE: nice  
DAVE: i’m down for this  


He’s burning, he’s a river of lava washing over you. You know this feeling. Sometimes you would be with him, watching a movie or playing a game, and suddenly it was like he was raising the temperature just by being there. Warm, warm, warm. It had always been hot in the apartment. Sweltering, humid, a prison of sweat and tension, a battle against your brother, yes--but also the more banal and more ruthless battle against the heat. 

And yet...if the heat bothered you so, it was because it licked and lashed at something very cold, freezing, a white-hot dart of sheer nuclear fission trapped in a cage of winter, howling and empty, coating your chest, all of you. Some part of yourself you’d cut off from the cold, something of you thrown away so far you could no longer feel each other. The only way to keep some part of you alive in this anxious, waking nightmare--you know that’s what it was, looking backwards now, a clarity granted by the lens of years. 

And you think: Time can help you see as well as help you kill. And you think: Skaia taught me everything I know about time. And you think for the first time, in a rush of intuition, that maybe your role, the Time, the sharp metal and bubbling heat of your planet--maybe those things weren’t a mean spirited joke at your expense. Maybe there was some logic to it, except that as one more unspoken “Fuck You” in a life that had been a string of them? 

 

Karkat, grinding against your skin. Karkat, sliding in rough through your lips. Karkat, warm and red, a torrent, a river, a wave of him--his passion filling up your lungs, pressure beating at your cheeks, heat so strong you feel like you’re giving off steam.  
Heat and pressure. Heat and pressure.

Karkat's--soul? is that his soul?-- beats into your chest, a fluid red something, sinking deeper into your feelings, brushing up against the cold walls keeping you safe, fencing you in. They’ve melted so much since you met him, become so much thinner. And the feeling of him is so much like the lava and his skin is so hard like it’s metal gears that it breaks something in you, cleaves some of your sarcastic bravado, the walls you put up against Skaia to convince yourself it didn’t matter, it was barely even real, it didn’t make sense to hate it for what it put you through.

Suddenly you feel Skaia in your soul, your mother in a sense, all of yours. It had put you there. It had guided you. It had chosen or made you and did it even matter which? Everything you’d been through seemed like a cruel prank, a completely shitty, mean-spirited game.  
But now, looking back it’s clear. It’s like you’re standing there again, slight and thin and thirteen, standing on one of those clicking gears, spinning slowly, thinking about whether home would ever be anything but so hot and loud and horrible. 

Except... that’s not all it’d been. At times, hadn’t the gears sounded like music? Like the planet beating, giving you a rhythm, asking you wanna make a sicker beat? And hadn’t the heat giving you this same feeling? Karkat, the force of him eroding every barrier in you. And couldn’t it have been trying to tell you what you can now finally hear? Wasn’t the thickness over your throat and ears a promise of something like this, a murmur trying to tell him, trying to speak:

There’s warmth in what you so fear. 

 

And somehow you knew it was true, in a way you couldn’t express if you tried you understand the beauty of it, the symmetry, the rhythm. Karkat feels it in you and pulls it out and you can see it in his mind and see it in his tears. You see Karkat standing over black concrete, gazing out, all around him red and heat, red and heat. Himself, poured out all over the planet’s valleys and roads, clogging the clockwork, that familiar sick fear. 

And yet that red ocean was so much like your own, so similar it was easy to imagine one led to the other, different hues to one whole. Karkat’s lips under your thumb, your other hand in his hair, around his ear. Fuck, you’d thought you’d been breaking the rules all along. And maybe that was true--maybe you’d skirted Skaia’s planned hopes, the God’s expectations. Maybe you’d cheated the system somehow. 

But you were deeply aware--both of you were-- suddenly, that this strange move had not gone undetected. Skaia sees and knows, it sees and knows. And that was so awful to consider once, but it’s like drawing close to Karkat draws you nearer to her, blue love and white salvation. And it wasn’t a voice but something like it that spoke in feeling:

Well done, my boys. Well done. I’ll see you. I love you.  
Karkat gasps and he’s throbbing inside you now, and you’re jerking against the surface of his skin, and you think you were wanted sons, all of you were wanted. And you didn’t even know it bothered you to wonder but it’s such a relief. For Karkat more than you, by the way his tears fall and his shoulders hitch against you, both of you satisfied and soft in the wake of release. 

No words are necessary. There’s no magic here, no weird davepeta superconciousness shit--that was all faded. But there was Karkat. The beating of his heart. The hesitant retrieving of his hips, the satisfaction, the exhaustion, the comfort. There’s nothing keeping you distant from this anymore, for once you don’t feel like you’re watching everything out of a camera from twenty feet’s distance. You don’t feel a single bit of chill on your shoulders or in your chest. 

You know this feeling in full, finally. You get it. You hold on to Karkat and to that thought, that observation as you nod off to sleep, you descend into the dark while keeping one hand on the string of that feeling: The last of the ice keeping you bitter and distant from the world finally melting away. 

Warmth. 

You hope in your dreams you’ll see a dot of blue in the sky.


	7. Lifdoff

Oh fuck whoops!!!  
You wake up to harsh, LOUD knocking on your door and the unmistakeable sound of your sister yelling STRIIIIIIIIIIIDEEEEEEEEEER. You grumbled, but Karkat didn’t stir--he just kept snoring loudly, tucked into the nook between your arm and chest. You looked out at the window--bright morning sun. And, off to the side...the skin of a yellow sneaker. Draped over it, the cuff of blue jeans, a deep blue.

Um, Rose?? You should stop yelling, they’re fine!! We should go.  


God fucking damnit. 

It was a good thing you’d just had, like, a spiritual fucking experience, or you’d probably die of awkwardness. But whatever. You were still feeling pretty much golden from the last...god knows how long. A couple days, if Rose had come here to hunt you down. You don’t want to think about what your pesterchum looks like right now. 

You get up, pick up your glasses, and put them on in one smooth motion. And that’s the only smooth motion you’ll be doing all day, because your body makes you pay for it. Everything about you is sore. Dick, ass, arms, legs, chest--you’re not sure if there’s anything left you and Karkat didn’t do, and boy, can you feel it. 

You slow time down. There’s no way you’re going to rush for this. Karkat’s snore sounds lower and drawn out, his mouth opening and closing nearly imperceptibly. John’s shoe still hangs just outside your window frame. You go in the bathroom and take a nice, warm shower. Leave Karkat a note, telling him you were gonna catch up with John and Rose and wishing him luck on his Bloody Thing. Float downstairs and make yourself breakfast--toast, a yogurt, apple juice. 

It’s only when you’re down to the juice and the last quarter of your toast that you feel ready to re-engage with your beloved pain in the asshole friends and start living again. 

You loosen the string around time again, and it flows out of it’s bizarre metaphysical bag more fully. Sound retrieves it’s the force of it’s momentary impact, gathers itself from drawn-out dilutedness. The slow, deep “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” that served as your background music suddenly snaps into “AVE” and a final knock on the dork. 

You hear John call her name again and then you open the door with your lips curled around your apple juice mega bendy straw.

DAVE: sup  


Rose’s face does not change whatsoever. Her eyes simply look you over--head, down to feet, back up to head, thoroughly unimpressed. John looks surprised, and then, embarrassed. 

It’s only when Rose’s mouth twists from frown to smirk at a perfect 90 degree angle that you realize you forgot to put on any clothes besides your boxers. 

Welp. 

Freezing time is really nice, too, you guess.  
They don’t get an eyeful for longer than a second before you’re back, fully decent, decked out in comfy God tier duds--you don’t want to bother with any of your fancier outfits today, at least if Karkat’s not around to enjoy them.

DAVE: woops.  
DAVE: lets forget you both saw that  
DAVE: sup  
ROSE: Hello, Dave. Nice of you to join us.  
JOHN: morning, dave! heh…  
ROSE: You are aware of how long it’s been, right?  
DAVE: um. no actually.   
ROSE: …  
ROSE: It’s been four days. We’ve been trying to call you.  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: yeah sounds about right  
DAVE: we were...busy.  
ROSE: Well, yes, I gathered as much now--thanks to some reconnaissance.  
JOHN: um,  
ROSE: But that doesn’t change the fact that we were getting kind of worried.  
ROSE: No harm done, I suppose, but I hope you won’t think me too intrusive for asking:  
ROSE: What the hell, Bro.  
DAVE: nah its pretty reasonable  
DAVE: sorry about that i wasnt tryin to be a jackass or nothing  
DAVE: we just sorta lost track of time  
ROSE: Lost track of…  
ROSE: Time.  
DAVE: yeah yeah i know how it sounds  
DAVE: but uh listen… davepeta’s….”thing”...  
ROSE: I was starting to consider whether Davepeta would turn out to be a secret saboteur all along, actually, so no--I hadn’t taken the opportunity to pay a visit.   
ROSE: Is that really what this was about? What happened?  
DAVE: it’s, uh...hard to explain, really.  
DAVE: basically they’ve got some ridic kind of god tier magic bullshit going on  
DAVE: and one thing led to another and me and karkat just needed some personal time, i guess  
ROSE: Alright, so the magic cat sprite has boner magic that made you bang incessantly for four days straight.   
DAVE: …  
JOHN: …  
ROSE: Awesome. That’s excellent. Thank you, Dave, for your fantastic and timely report.   
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: that really is basically all there is to say on the matter since you caught me red handed   
ROSE: So to speak.   
DAVE: stfu  
DAVE: but seriously you should probably check it out  
DAVE: just uh...clear off your calendar for a couple days.  
DAVE: or maybe longer maybe you’ll have even more shit to deal with bein a Seer idk  
ROSE: Deal with?  
DAVE: man just  
DAVE: look its kind of a big deal and hard to explain and there were a lot of heady emotions involved   
DAVE: i dont know if i want to give you all the fine details of my hot date and i definitely dont want to put my good bro through that   
JOHN: hey, i don’t mind!! i’m sure it was romantic and fun and all…  
DAVE: yeah ok  
DAVE: bottom line is it was weird and bizarre time shit was involved but it was pretty cool actually  
DAVE: and davepeta is p cool in my book right now.  
DAVE: also im time traveling again and Karkat has blood powers now and hes gonna try and find his troll friends and vriska in space with them  
JOHN: :O woah!!!  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: dont tell terezi though karkat wants to do that  
ROSE: Hang on, back up. You’re time traveling again?   
DAVE: yeah i mean a little  
DAVE: just to do cool shit instead of anything too stupid or complicated, it comes in handy.   
ROSE: Huh. Well, Alright.   
ROSE: Then...I guess I’ll go home and make preparations to check this place out myself?  
DAVE: do that  
DAVE: and thank me later i guess? or davepeta  
ROSE: Sure. I’ll remember to write you a heartfelt letter.  
ROSE: Well...if that's all, then I’ll leave you boys to your own devices for now. Seeya.  


And so she just...flew away. Leaving just you and John. 

Well, you were getting to this anyway.

JOHN: um...sorry, by the way!   
DAVE: you mean about snoopin on my room like an outrageous perv   
DAVE: all gatherin around our window like a floaty paparazzi trying to catch an elusive snap of snoozy dude dick  
JOHN: uh…  
DAVE: jk dude its fine  
JOHN: oh  
JOHN: cool  
DAVE: you know we should probably talk about that   
JOHN: what?  
DAVE: this whole weird thing going on where you take all my jokey gay shit a lot more seriously because you know im into dudes now   
DAVE: and i guess me kind of dancing around it and being weird in response too  
JOHN: wait, huh???  
JOHN: i don’t take any of your jokey shit seriously, gay or otherwise!!!  
JOHN: dave i’m very bothered by the implication that i’ve ever in my life taken anything you said seriously.   
DAVE: ha ha   
JOHN: no, i’m serious! i don’t have a clue what you’re talking about. in fact, i came with rose because i wanted to talk to you   
DAVE: huh   
DAVE: but not about that  
JOHN: uh, no…  
JOHN: just about some other stuff, about girls i guess, that i’ve been kind of down about.   
DAVE: oh. so  
DAVE: you havent been kind of avoiding me because i’m bi and davepeta said i was into you???  
JOHN: D: no, dave, jeez!   
JOHN: i mean, i do still think that’s a little weird, i guess…  
JOHN: you being into me i mean, not the bi thing.  
JOHN: and not weird i guess, just kind of unexpected?   
JOHN: but i haven’t been avoiding you! you and karkat just kind of hang out all the time and you always seemed like you..wanted to be alone?  
JOHN: you’d get all awkward whenever i came over to talk to both of you, too, so i guess i figured you just wanted some space.   
JOHN: i’m honestly a little hurt you thought that little of my cultural sensitivity :’(  
DAVE: sorry dude  
JOHN: shrug. i can see how it would’ve been weird for you.  
JOHN: it’s just that we haven’t really talked much in, like, months   
JOHN: and i just sorta miss you guys  
JOHN: it’s kinda shitty to find out you were doing it on purpose because you didn’t trust me :/  
DAVE: shit  
DAVE: yeah i guess that does make me kind of an asshole doesnt it  
JOHN: eh. it’s fine.  
JOHN: i’m...gonna go, though. i didn’t mean to come over just to yell at you  
DAVE: no man dont go  
DAVE: look, you’re right, i was being pretty mean on accident, kind of thinking lowly of your intelligence because i was worried about your feelings   
DAVE: but i was p much about to go find you anyway and try to clear this stuff up  
DAVE: i was kind of figuring a whole bunch of shit out so its not really just about things with you  
DAVE: but i dunno if i want to drop all that complicated noise on you right now  
DAVE: i kinda just wanted to hang and see whats up and it sounds like you got some shit you wanna get off your chest anyway  
DAVE: so how about we just go do some dumb shit and you can tell me whats going on  
JOHN: …  
JOHN: ...i mean, sure, that sounds neat, but--  
DAVE: i got an upgraded shitty skateboard i wanted to show you btw  
JOHN: oh.   
JOHN: a... skateboard?  
DAVE: yeah look this is so ill, check it  


UNREAL HEIR pops out of your sylladex with the force of a shitty, half-deflated balloon. It wafts down for a moment, directly in front of John’s face, before beginning to slowly rise upwards. You watch as John’s eyes track it and absorb, processing the elaborate color scheme, the long tail, the shitty jpg artifacts.

Then he breaks into a grin and a laugh, and just like that, it’s like nothing changed at all.  
You guess you were stupid to think it could have.


	8. Lilith in Starlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8C2fkkHU2-Y&list=PLYDHdUphc_15ahgzf-trW6GYNvxpdRM6R&index=1 
> 
> ^Do me a favor and listen to that for additional Rosemary emotions.
> 
> This one's NSFW--you've been warned. This one also has plot--you've been double warned.

This is quickly turning into one of your worst days ever. At least, if “ever” only counts the days you weren’t knowingly fighting for your life.

As opposed to unknowingly.

The lake is deep blue and dark, a stark contrast against the vivid, shocking color of everything surrounding it--trees coming alive in splashes of green leaf and brown-red bark, the white-pink shimmer of the Tab reflecting the sun’s rays, scattering them, ensuring Kanaya’s garden--a veritable rainbow of petals of varying stature, size, and design-- will never go without bountiful light. 

Unlike everything else, which reflects or absorbs the sunlight, the lake at least from your viewing angle simply devours it. It gives you a feeling that is familiar, one you really don’t like.  
You quiet the voice saying I wish I had a drink quickly, professionally, you’ve become such an old hand at it that it is nearly effortless. You reach the tiled path leading to your door and trade flight for walk like performing a waltz, the movement so subtle most would not recognize the shift at all.

You open the door just a smidgen too little and force yourself to slide in diagonally, a habit you suppose you never dropped--the most efficient way to keep anything outside from getting in.  
And a futile gambit, if that’s what it was, because Kanaya’s thrown the blinds wide open and the Tab’s glass indentation is also exposed completely, allowing the cool spring breeze to force it’s merry way in. You can practically feel its tendrils traveling, molesting your prized possessions with god knows what kind of pathogens. 

You almost have it in you to be upset in earnest, but as usual there’s no hope of that because there she is. 

Kanaya is six feet of lithe, slender tautness. She’s in what you call the bloody mary dress, the red one with the black belt that always knocks you flat. She doesn’t even acknowledge your entry-- legs spread wide and her hand in her hair, working on her latest dress, she’s a storm of hung up fabrics cut in various shapes and measures. The mannequin standing in front of her seems to have earned her disgust, or at least her frustration, and boy do you feel sorry for it. Even in the bright wash of wind and daylight she glows, so absorbed in her focus. The pallid light burns off her, fighting the yellows of the sun and dominating them, giving the room a decidedly otherworldly mix of tones.

She’s a perfectly still, perfectly restrained, well-disguised manifestation of a property you’re quite fond of: Chaos.

It’s hard to stay mad in the face of it. 

You smirk and draw closer, your left hand brushing and angling around the couch between you. Casually, just a little sarcastically. Slowly, your shoulders just a little too low for relaxed, aiming instead for a version of sultry. You have to admit you love how she looks in the spotlight of the window, even if by nature she’s practically the embodiment of the word “Limelight.” All slim throat, high cheeks, sharp hips and sharper shoulders. Sharpest teeth.  
Her hair is longer than it usually is and it curls around her neck in a way that definitely pleases. You sink into the game, let it swallow you, you tell yourself it’ll be nice to forget about Dave a little--

You stub your toe hard against the corner of the couch and fail to resist the urge to swear. 

ROSE: SHIT!!!  
ROSE: Ow, god….fff.  


Kanaya jumps, startled. In the same motion her eyes lock onto you instantly--she doesn’t make a peep, not a cell’s worth of energy wasted. She catches you at your most charming, sneering and hissing, your knee bent and your hand squeezing your foot. You decide to make the best of a bad situation and shoot for a charming, easy smile and quickly put your foot on the floor and your forearm bent over the top of the couch, along with the rest of you. Resolve to pretend there was nothing for her to notice.

  


KANAYA: Oh Rose  
ROSE: Hey, Kanaya.   
KANAYA: I Didnt Hear You Come In   
KANAYA: Well Until I Did At Least   
ROSE: Ha, yeah. There’s a funny story there.   
KANAYA: Are You Injured?  
ROSE: Injured? Only my pride, I guess.   
KANAYA: Then There’s No Problem That’s Always Been Known To Make A Speedy Recovery.   
KANAYA: It Seems Suspiciously Like You Hurt Your Foot Though  
ROSE: Maybe, but consider: Let’s not talk about that.  
ROSE: What are you working on? That palette...Jane, if I were to guess?  
KANAYA: Oh   
KANAYA: Yes Good Guess   
KANAYA: I Don’t Want To Presume But I Get The Impression She Doesn’t Think Too Highly Of Herself Of Late  
KANAYA: That As Well As Gradually Increasing Overtures Of Multicultural Friendship Being Our Recent Detre  
ROSE: D’etre  
KANAYA: Detre  
KANAYA: I Thought I Would Attempt An Outfit Outside My Usual Clientele  
KANAYA: That Is To Say  
KANAYA: You And Jade And Roxy For The Most Part  
KANAYA: I Thought Id Use It To Welcome Her Into Our Fashion Fold  
KANAYA: Do You Think She Will Like It  
ROSE: Well, seeing as it’s currently a single piece of cyan colored fabric thrown over a dummy’s shoulder....  
ROSE: I’m going to say absolutely, considering who’s in charge of the project.  
ROSE: You doubt yourself too much, Kanaya.   
KANAYA: Its Just Frustrating   
KANAYA: Tossing Ideas Around Waiting For A Good One To Coalesce  
ROSE: Ah, yes. Well, frustration abounds for the both of us, I suppose.  
ROSE: But you’ll figure it out soon enough. You always do.   


You realize too late your misstep. You played the melodrama a little too close to your actual thoughts and, predictably, Kanaya’s eyes narrow just a smidge as she quickly breaks down your layers of artifice, immaculate and precise like sectioning off fabric. She never asks you if something’s wrong when something bothers you--she’s learned not to waste the breath. 

KANAYA: Well You Were Definitely Speaking As Much About Yourself As About My Dress Just Then  
KANAYA: I Take It Dave And Karkat Are Well Then  


Fuck. You’d hate getting busted if it wasn’t so hot that she could do that. 

ROSE: Yes, they’re fine.   
KANAYA: Shouldnt You Be Happy About That  
KANAYA: Not That I Ever Really Thought It Was In Question  
ROSE: I suppose I should be.   
ROSE: Maybe it’s just the inherent baseline level of annoyance Dave commands as a prerequisite for friendship, and with interest for siblinghood.  
ROSE: But mostly I’m just angry.  
ROSE: Apparently, the reason he couldn’t get in touch with me, or you, or Dirk or anyone.  
ROSE: Is simply that he had and Karkat had a date so hot their genitals fused together for what can only be the birth of a new kind of reproductively compatible type of Human/Troll sexual intercourse.   
ROSE: It’s the very least I will accept as recompense.   
KANAYA: Ok Whats Wrong   
KANAYA: Your Big Tirade Was Very Clever And Humorous But Also Its Obvious Youre Upset About Something Else  
KANAYA: We Both Joked Privately About How This Would Definitely Happen With Dave And Karkat Eventually That Whole Thing Was A Blast Cylinder Waiting To Go Off  
ROSE: Shit. I was hoping being funny would stop me from tipping my hand.   
KANAYA: Whats Going On   


You look up from the couch where your eyes had been lingering and look up at her. She’s taking it in stride, but her concern comes through clear and earnest. You were hoping to delay this longer, but it seems that’s no longer an option. 

It’s so beautiful out this window. You think about the matriorb still stashed in Kanaya’s sylladex, waiting for the day you’d decide you were all ready to begin the work of beginning again. You think about how she’s hoped for it, yearned for it, and how excited you’ve been to help her with that work.  
Suddenly it’s all too much, it all becomes too real. Something in your face must twist because you see her concern widen and overtake her face, blown open into something close to panic. There’s no point pretending nothing is wrong now, you guess. But this is as far as you’ll go. You take the fear and uncertainty and unreasonable anger and you look them away as deep as you can, collect yourself, and face her again. Not like this. 

ROSE: It’s...nothing.  
KANAYA: Rose  


It’s amazing how much anger she can put into a word with no enunciation.

ROSE: Yes, I know. It’s not nothing.  
ROSE: But I’m not sure what it is yet. Just...give me a minute, ok?  
ROSE: If I tell you without planning, I think I’ll cause more fear than I think is entirely warranted.  
ROSE: And besides, I was getting ready to have a conversation about this right now anyway. Just...with someone else.  
KANAYA: …  
ROSE: Not that I was trying to keep anything from you. I’m sorry if it seems that way.  
KANAYA: Seems  
KANAYA: I Dont Know If Seems Is The Descriptor I Would Use For You Going To Others With What Scares You Instead Of Me   
KANAYA: And Striving To Pretend Everything Is Okay To My Face  
KANAYA: And Failing At It Badly No Less  
ROSE: Damnit. Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry.   
ROSE: But this isn’t some machiavellian plan on my end, please believe that.  
ROSE: I’m just...trying not to jump to conclusions, just yet.   
KANAYA: Whats Happening  
ROSE: Could you do me a favor?   
ROSE: Message Dirk for me and get us into a memo or something.   
ROSE: Disable the trans timeline garbage, of course.   
ROSE: In the meantime, I’m going to go wash my hands.   


CGA opened memo on board I Really Thought This Garbage Was Over With  
CURRENT timaeusTestified [CTT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CTT: Pretty weird name. Is there history behind that?  
CGA: Ugh Just  
CGA: Dont Ask   
CGA: Mostly A Bunch of Nonsense Bullshit I Thought Was Behind Us  
CGA: And Apparently It Is This Is A One Time Thing  
CGA: She Promised  
CURRENT tentacleTherapist [CTT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CTT: Thank you, Kanaya.   
CTT: And you, Dirk. I know this is sudden.  
CTT: It’s fine, I wasn’t doing much yet. It is pretty early.   
CTT: What’s this about?  
CGA: Yes Rose Please Do Share  
CTT: I’ll make this as quick as I can, then.  
CTT: I wanted to ask you to go on an errand.  
CTT: Huh?  
CGA: What  
CTT: Could you just drop by the squared sprites’ new club later tonight and just,  
CTT: I don’t know. Talk to them? Take a look at the scenery?   
CTT: I’m told there’s some Heart shit at play there.  
CTT: Presumably Time and Light, as well.   
CTT: I’ll be carrying out my own investigation, but I honestly don’t know much about your particular field of expertise. I figured it would be efficient to send you on ahead.   
CGA: . . . .  
CTT: I know. Trust me, I’m getting to that.   
CTT: Uh...huh. What a mysterious exchange.  
CTT: Surely it demands no scrutiny whatsoever on my end.  
CTT: Yes, that’s right.   
CTT: Well, as far as your request.  
CTT: I’ll be happy to check it out for you. Just...not tonight.   
CTT: Oh.   
CTT: Do you mind if I ask why?   
CTT: Not at all. I just happen to have a date tonight.  
CTT: Ah. I’d heard you and Jake were starting to patch things up, from Roxy.   
CTT: I do hope it’s going well?  
CTT: It is, actually. At least so far.   
CTT: But, yeah. I’ll check it out tomorrow, for sure.  
CTT: I see.  
CTT: I hope you won’t think I’m being pushy, but  
CTT: Is there anything I can do to get you to reconsider?  
CTT: This is kind of important.   
CTT: …  
CTT: What is this about?   
CTT: Are you really that upset Dave and Karkat closed themselves off for a couple of days to bang?  
CTT: Sorry, Rose. But I don’t buy it.   
CTT: It’s… not exactly like that.  
CTT: It’s not like I’m mad at him. But Dave has never just ignored us like that.  
CTT: It bothers me. It isn’t like him.  
CTT: ...Fair enough. That’s a pretty good motivation to worry.  
CTT: But, here’s the problem.  
CTT: I know you’ve heard from Jane and Roxy.  
CTT: About how our session went down, and what a shit I was.  
CTT: To Jake, and to the girls.   
CTT: Don’t bother countering that, I know they wouldn’t word it that way.  
CTT: But it is a fact. Things between us are still kind of a mess.  
CTT: So if you hear I’m making progress, and you want me to take a rain check on that chance...  
CTT: Then it’s more than kind of important. It’s serious.  
CTT: Tell me what’s going on. I’ll tell Jake, and we can check it out together.  
CTT: …  
CTT: … Unless, of course, you think it’s some kind of personality altering thing.  
CTT: In which case it makes sense for me to go alone, since I’m sure you also know about the fucking trickster mess.   
CTT: In which case, fine. I’ll tell Jake, and ask him to stay home on this one.   
CTT: But either way, I need to know what’s going on.  
CTT: But I’m not going to lie to him and pretend nothing’s wrong.  
CTT: I decided I’d stop hiding shit the moment I decided I wanted their trust back.  
CTT: That I deserved a chance at earning it back.   
CTT: To give myself the chance, if nothing less.   
CTT: So I’m not going to cancel my date on your say so, no offense.  
CTT: And I’m certainly not going to do it without being given all the facts.  
CTT: See, Dave has never really had the luxury of not checking in. None of us have.   
CTT: And I think it’s great if we’re all starting to finally fucking relax a little.  
CTT: But it bothers you, for some reason. And seeing as you’re the one with the fancy future vision, what I’m thinking is that you sense some kind of threat.   
CTT: In which case, I need to know. Now.   
CTT: …  
CGA: Well  
CGA: It Sounds Pretty Compelling And Your Continued Silence Only Confirms Again and Again That Hes Right About All That  
CTT: …  
CGA: Are You Really Going To Drown Yourself In Finish Crumbs  
CGA: Rose I Thought We Were Past This  
CGA: You Shutting Yourself Off And Solitarily Carrying Every Last Weight Sack  
CGA: I Thought You Trusted Me   
CTT: We are. I do! I’m really not trying to hide this, Kanaya.  
CTT: I just… I’m trying to think of how to vocalize it.  
CTT: Without causing unnecessary anguish, or undue stress.   
CTT: Oh, brother.   
CTT: Look. I know exactly what your angle is, here.  
CTT: Again, you have to know that in our session, I was basically the action man.  
CTT: There’s no WAY Jane never told you how I basically just took shit over from even before the game began.   
CTT: And I’ve heard you took a fairly similar approach  
CTT: Subtly and not so subtly guiding the directions of your friends in order to bring to fruition a ridiculous yes necessary master plan.  
CTT: The thing about those plans of ours, however.  
CTT: Know what both of them had in common? They blew up in our faces.  
CTT: You all almost got killed and played a hand in creating the most powerful demon to ever exist in any pocket of reality, temporal inevitability notwithstanding.  
CTT: And I planned and worked my first relationship into and out of existence with the exact same breath, and possibly traumatized said would-be boyfriend in the process.   
CTT: Not to mention deeply hurting my other two best friends.  
CTT: I don’t want to be condescending about this, so just know that if our roles were switched, I would at least try to take into account your advice:  
CTT: I don’t think it matters what your reasons are, or how noble the sentiment.  
CTT: It certainly didn’t for me.  
CTT: All I know is, you’re probably just making more fear by hesitating.  
CTT: At least, I know I’m scared shitless.   
CGA: Hes Right  
CTT: Yes, of course he’s right.  
CTT: I have to say, it is a new experience, being talked down to about past mistakes as though I haven’t also worked to learn from them.  
CTT: Is this what the poets referred to as The Great Condescension Filibusters of the notorious dark entities, spoken of only in hushed whispers, that go only by the name of Dads?  
CTT: “Listen to me, missy, I’ve been in your shoes, I’ve made those mistakes.”  
CTT: I had heard legends about them. Never did I imagine the chance to be given one first hand.   
CTT: By my true, actual biological dad, no less! Truly, paradox space is full of endless surprises.   
CTT: Ugh.  
CTT: You know I don’t like it when you call me that.  
CTT: And it’s probably not going to help my case if I say I don’t think now’s the time to be a smartass.  
CTT: But--seriously?  
CTT: This isn’t like either of those situations, Dirk, and if you were thinking you would know that.   
CTT: I’m not assuming command where I had none.   
CTT: The truth is, since the game ended, we’ve gotten complacent.  
CTT: We tried not to to some extent, but we still have.  
CTT: And we’ve done so, largely, due to the wide range of sight I and Terezi both possess.   
CTT: Fortune was smiling on us at last, and damnit, by now we deserve to relax.   
CTT: But the consequence of that is that now there is a degree to which I am looked to for assurance that no problem is too serious, that no valley is too vast.  
CTT: And what that means is that if I suddenly waver...a lot of us would be shaken.  
CTT: A blanket of security we were just beginning to savor would be rudely torn from us. Possibly permanently. I certainly don’t know if I’ll ever feel that way again.  
CTT: Even if it turns out I was wrong, or it was a fluke, or some nonsense.  
CTT: I just...wanted to avoid that for anyone else, as best I was able.  
CTT: That’s all.   
CGA: …  
CTT: …  
CTT: But fine. Since it’s clear that I’ve failed, as least as far as you two are concerned, here are the facts.   
CTT: From the moment we entered this universe, my visions seemed to me like an endlessly growing web.  
CTT: Like silk spirals, circling outwards forever, splitting into paths wherever fortune split us from alternate universe counterparts who enjoyed different outcomes.   
CTT: Do you follow?  
CGA: Of Course.   
CTT: Yes.  
CTT: Good.  
CTT: Now. Once Dave and Karkat went to pay a visit to Davepeta, everything changed.   
CTT: Suddenly it was like all the golden threads were suddenly wrested forcefully into a single band. It hasn’t happened yet, but it’s all I can see now, infinite strings converging on some distant point in the horizon.  
CTT: This, right after I suggested to Dave that the Alpha Timeline had freed us at last.  
CTT: I don’t know what it means or what’s happening.  
CTT: And the inciting event left my brother, inexplicably, irresponsible and horny, not to mention completely inaccessible for days on end.  
CTT: Yet otherwise perfectly fine.   
CTT: I didn’t want to question him and potentially sabotage his evidently growing happiness, but...  
CTT: I just don’t know what to make of that. Of any of this. It’s too bizarre.   


And there it is, finally. Out in the open. You wish you could at least say you feel better, but you just feel hollow instead. Curled up and tight on your end in the couch around your laptop, you finally venture a look over. You’re fairly surprised. 

Kanaya Maryam does not look happy with you, exactly. But she isn’t devastated. She’s leaning back against the couch, back stretched out and long, holding a hand adorably against her chest and breathes out slowly, seeping out tension. You’re practically a ball of hunched over, gangly girl by the time she looks your way, but the scowl on her gets you to curl deeper into yourself anyway.

KANAYA: Rose Lalonde Dont Ever Scare Me That Way Again Am I Understood  
ROSE: U-um...yes?   
ROSE: Yes.   
ROSE: You’re,  
ROSE: Not scared, anymore?  
KANAYA: Well I Mean I Am Somewhat But  
KANAYA: Actually  
KANAYA: We Should Probably Continue Conversing Via Chatlog  
KANAYA: Dirk Is Still There After All  
ROSE: Oh. Right, of course.   


You look at your computer screen and what...the...hell?

 

CTT: Oh. Well. That’s...something, alright.   
CTT: I guess first of all I just want to say, I’m sorry that we put so much pressure on you.  
CTT: I think you know nobody meant to, but it still warrants being said.  
CTT: Anyway, while that’s worth worrying about, I have to be honest.  
CTT: You were starting to come off as borderline…  
CTT: Apocalyptic, a little bit?  
CTT: Like, you’re right, this is a big deal.  
CTT: And I can understand why you felt the need to try so hard at keeping it hidden.  
CTT: Though you should probably stay away from Jane and Roxy if you want to keep trying at it. They’ll see right through you, believe me.   
CTT: But anyway, it’s like you said. There’s no point in jumping to conclusions.  
CTT: All we’ve got is a convergence of timelines on a single event, apparently.  
CTT: Maybe we just always end up throwing a really sweet party?  
CTT: At Davepeta’s place, even.  
CTT: Maybe Davepeta’s club really is so sick it can book itself entirely with just us and all our alternate timeline selves?  
CTT: Truly the hottest scene in paradox space.  
CTT: Anyway, the way you phrased it, this mystery event still seems like a ways off.  
CTT: It doesn’t make sense to just jump to conclusions and go straight to Defcon 1 just yet, as far as I’m concerned.  
CTT: If it makes you feel better, maybe check it out tonight, talk to Davepeta yourself?  
CTT: Maybe you’ll even have fun.  
CTT: As for me, if it’s all the same to you I’m going to stick with checking it out tomorrow.  
CTT: I’ve been looking forward to this thing with Jake for a long time, and I’m tired of imminent surprise doomsdays derailing my plans.  
CTT: I’ll avoid telling him about this for tonight, though.  
CTT: Not because you asked me to or because I think he can’t handle it.  
CTT: Just that I want to focus on just him and me tonight.  
CTT: Not that that’s relevant to you. I just feel better having written it out that way where someone else can see, and hold me accountable.  
CTT: Uh, Anyway.  
CTT: If you don’t get back to me by tomorrow morning about it with any updates, I’ll tell him all about it in the morning and we’ll check it out on your behalf.   
CTT: Does that sound acceptable?  
CTT: …  
CTT: Um, Rose? Kanaya?  
CTT: Are you guys still there?  
CTT: Yes, I’m here.  
CTT: Oh, good.  
CTT: I mean, yes, that sounds fine. You’re right, anyway.  
CTT: I was probably overreacting, just a tad.   
CTT: And you can go ahead with your plans, not that you need my permission.  
CTT: Mostly, I just really have to ask.  
CTT: Yeah?  
CTT: We only looked away from our computers for, at the most, about fifteen seconds.  
CTT: How the hell did you write all that so fast?   
CGA: Seriously Its Kind Of Staggering  
CTT: Oh.  
CTT: It’s nothing, really. Just kind of a talent.  
CTT: Is that all, then? Jake’s messaging me, and I should really start getting ready--you have no idea how much work it takes to keep my hair looking pleasant.   
CTT: Yes, that’s all.   
CTT: Thank you for the solemn parental advice session, Pops.  
CTT: Truly, your mature perspective and years of experience were just what I needed.  
CTT: The timing may be more appropriate now, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t annoying when you decide to be a smartass, you know.  
CTT: Of course I know, it’s what I live for.  
CTT: But actually, I was serious.  
CTT: You helped a lot. Thanks.  
CTT: Yeah.  


You close the lid of the laptop, not waiting to see if he disconnects. If he has anything else to tell you, he’ll contact you elsewhere--and frankly, as welcome as it was you think you’ve had enough of Dirk for a tad. The guy sure can talk. 

You breathe your own sigh of relief, deep gentle. Try to remind yourself what it feels like for your shoulders to untense. Right. A mystery, not a death sentence. From across the couch your eyes meet with Kanaya’s, and something about it infects you both, lead you into sharing a decent laugh.

You yelp in surprise only the tiniest amount when Kanaya’s fingers suddenly curl over your shoulders and knead at them --Fuck, she’s fast-- and oh god did you need that. Your head falls backwards, long pale hair pooling around your neck, draping her hands. She’s smiling at you softly, wryly, like you’re a joke book who’s wit she’s been pleasantly surprised by. 

You sound a little more nervous than you mean to when you ask--

ROSE: You’re not mad?  
KANAYA: Well A Little  
KANAYA: And Dont Get Me Wrong It Makes Me Nervous Too I Guess  
KANAYA: But Really  
KANAYA: Something That Vague Could Mean Anything  
KANAYA: Maybe Even A Good Thing  
KANAYA: A Great One At That  
ROSE: ...You sound like you have a theory.  
KANAYA: Well   
KANAYA: I Dont Know About A Theory Really But  
KANAYA: Something Did Come To Mind Yes  
KANAYA: To Be Honest When You Said That My First Thought Was  
KANAYA: The Matriorb   


Oh. Of course. And you’d even thought of it, several times. It stood to reason to think the Matriorb’s hatching was an event of sufficient importance and formality that it would always happen--maybe, even, that you would always plan it out the same way. Maybe there were important troll customs to it? Still, could time really work that way? You suppose you couldn’t know, and even if it came as a relief, you weren’t about to ask Dave about it. 

You mull it over in your head while Kanaya mulls you over with her knuckles. They’re so nice, her hands. Gentle, long, but strong and indefatigable. You would know.  
You’ve had ample experience with them. Suddenly, you feel silly. Getting so worried and jumping at shadows in your mind was one thing. But failing to tell Kanaya?  
Love inspires madness, you think, but your self-deprecation is biteless under the admission of emotion. 

You decide that’s enough long term planning for a couple of days.  
You breathe out again, but this time your sigh is of a decidedly different nature. 

ROSE: So, Kanaya.  
ROSE: Would you care to join me for an outing later tonight?  
KANAYA: I Was Beginning To Wonder If You Would Ever Ask  


Her hands stop their play, your shoulders now soft, relaxed (well, relatively) and tender. You lift yourself up by the elbows and then your hands towards her, arching your back, planting a decidedly awkward kiss on her lips. Smooth, you berate yourself idly--today is not your day for overtures of romance. It catches you by surprise, then, when her hand brushes up against your cheek and strokes you there, holding you in place as she returns your kiss with dividends, the chaos and energy she’d earlier kept so hidden unleashed now in her tongue, wandering the halls behind your lips, a pleasant thrashing thing. 

When she pulls away you’re light-headed. Nothing new, her making you feel like that. 

KANAYA: I Will Be In My Changing Quarters And Would Prefer Not To Be Disturbed If You Dont Mind  
KANAYA: I Have An Outfit Ive Been Saving For Sometime Special  


She’s already walking leisurely away, but her eyes stay trained on you while she says it. You try to ignore the rush of heat and lightning that shoots down in a V from your chest deep into your gut at that--the words, the look, the promise. As is par for the course today, you fail at that, but when the games are against Kanaya losing is more than guaranteed--it’s a pleasure.

ROSE: Me too, actually.   
ROSE: See you soon, Kanaya.   


You keep each of your changing rooms on opposite floors of the house. She rises up the stairs to the uppermost floor, ascending the stairs with all the grace of a princess. You can see it in your mind--bright halls, wide windows, cloth and fabric trailing from the roof like royal banners. 

 

Your own private quarters are darker--by design, of course, they sit in waiting on a layer of can you keep embedded underneath the ground floor. If Kanaya’s echo a royal hall, or a sunlit vestibule between your home and the wider world, yours would call to mind something like a dungeon, a witch’s den, a lab. Black and bright purple interlink in wild patterns that bring to mind something that feels like home, dangerous and familiar. 

You make a good dark overlord to match, if you do say so yourself.  
That is, when you’re not like this now--floating over your surroundings, a blushing girl, hopeless and giddy. Eager to get to the work of dressing and beauty you think to yourself,  
Damn. You have a great girlfriend. 

 

***

 

Your heels click, click, click on the tiles in sharp smacks, collected and purposeful. The rock and rubble of the area Davepeta’s club was surrounded by was unacceptable, after all the work you’d put in to look your best. Your long black dress cut open into a V at the shoulders, a thin elegant tapestry of black depicting some nameless Horrorterror woven across the divide. A brooch of the sun, shining and gold-orange, clipped it in place at your chest. 

It had taken quite a bit of magic--or, limited light powers, or whatever--to get into this dress without assistance. Still, you knew Kanaya would put just as much practice into her craft, and you were never one to pass up a challenge in the field of one-upmanship. Especially in a game when every outcome was the best. 

You were here early, as was usual. She was much faster but more fastidious, and you usually liked to reach your designated meeting spots first, to find the most mysterious and darkly-lit area to look sullen and sultry in. Ironically, of course--every move you made was carefully calculated to give off the air of trashy troll paranormal romance, and there was quite a bit of self-deprecating humor inherent to that. 

But it was also sincere, because it made her happy, and you had a lot of trouble believing you were living the utterly played out Twilight fantasy yourself, quite often. Sincere sentiment, overplayed tropes, facetious indulgence, thirst and desire, a joke shared between friends.  
It was all part of the courtship, part of the dance. 

But today, there was an additional ulterior motive. Davepeta was lounging on their DJ Station--or maybe a throne, or maybe an altar, or maybe variation on the soft surfaces of a pillow designed as a cat’s bed. You suspected all of those elements had worked their way into the aesthetic of the thing. It sprawled and slouched against the far side of the room, menacing the synthesizers and mixing tools with falling prey to gravity. Shimmering with the white-orange-green of ghostly, pallid light. 

You stroll across the room and the light pools inside you, a gold-white knowing filling your cells, an intuitive guidance telling you how to land every step for maximum effect. The nicest thing about the awareness was it felt like a supportive, eager part of her, disconnected somehow, amazed and impressed at the performance of the rest. It reminded her of Skaia, somehow, which had more than once gone a long way towards mollifying her existential distress. And with getting closer to Kanaya. The most fortuitous outcome is often the one that leads to the best sex. 

Ordinarily you’d use the skillset just to look as hot as possible, but right now you’re focused on Davepeta, your mind focusing for a moment on untangling the threads. You’re not going to spend all night thinking about this, but while you’re waiting you may as well make the best of it. 

There’s a high-rise stool in front of them, a velvet pillow woven into the rest. It’s practically made for you--probably literally, if you had to bet. You take a seat, rail-tight and classy. When you look up, they’re standing in front of you, in a ridiculous little butler suit with a bowtie. They’re sliding something over to you across the handrest on their table of musical instruments. Something in a cocktail glass.  
Your stomach dips a little, just out of reflex, but they quickly catch their misstep.

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  no worries sis  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  its just apple juice, my bad  
ROSE: Ah. Good. Much appreciated, then.   


You take the drink and probe it with your lips tentatively. It’s true, just apple juice. You take a sip and the sweet liquid fills your mouth. Improved with sprite magic, perhaps? It’s certainly better than the dribble Dave chugs. Your eye wanders into a sideward glance of Davepeta. You’re relieved by what you find. 

Whatever is happening, it’s not Davepeta at the center. That’s the sense you get. There’s a sense of knowing, like they’re hiding something, but no threatening intent. Nothing in them suggests they’re trying to hurt you, to cast aspersions on your good fortune. So, they are hiding something. But it’s in the “Cryptic Sprite Bullshit Aiding Personal Progress” sort of sense. Whatever was the case, they were not a threat.Trying to focus on them that way just made you feel like your logic had overshot somehow, like an asteroid on a killing course suddenly swung far out into space by a shift in gravity. 

Your understanding of your own magical subconscious intuition could be a little morbid, you guess. You decide to ask, for politeness’ sake, since it was obviously what you were doing. 

ROSE: So, nothing to do with our strange new existential timeline threat?   
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  haha of currse not   
ROSE: Anything you can tell me about it?  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  nope! X33   
ROSE: Great. Just thought I’d check.   
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  All i can say is you would have become awurr of it regardless  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  It was always there! You just couldnt see the end of the thead  
ROSE: Awesome. Very comforting.   
ROSE: Well, that’s all, then.   
ROSE: Kanaya should be here soon. Would you mind a performance for our sake, as well?  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  h33h33 not at all!! You’ll have furrn, trust me  
ROSE: Your audacity in cramming cat puns in worse and worse places continues to stagger me.   
ROSE: This had better worth your role in the fright I suffered the last few days, or else.  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  n’yall got it B33  
ROSE: Ugh.  


You finish your apple juice in a gulp, lousy annoying delicious sprite magic be damned. You can feel it in the distance, a coming storm, a shifting in the air and the geometry. You know this feeling well. 

You didn’t need to worry about leaving Kanaya behind, despite her inability to fly. Since you’d started to relax on Earth 3.0: The Obama Memorial (As Dave had named it shortly after your arrival), Kanaya’s space powers had been developing quickly, or at least, she’d become more aware of them. Her vampire quickness hadn’t struck either of you as a product of her brand of magic right away, but it was obvious in retrospect. Maybe as a consequence of her mental preparation to actually do the work of birthing and mothering a rebirth of her people? Whatever the case, she had not deemed herself ready yet, and there was time enough--hopefully.

You could feel her using it now, moving quickly--so quickly through the earth it shouldn’t be possible. When asked she had described it as noticing a path that had always been there but never known or accessed--but from your observation it looked more like she was creating trajectories that shouldn’t be possible, that had never been there or even tracked with the lay of the land. Maybe dominion over an aspect was knowing the difference between the one lens and the next? 

Whatever the case she emerged from an angle of the mountain that shouldn’t have been climbable at all, with little effort. Where you flew to avoid them, the pebbles and dirt simply assembled themselves to ease her every step. It was efortless, and easy for her. But the spectacle never seemed to tire or lose it’s affect. A lot of why you liked to be early was so you could absorb and narrate the proceedings, the gorgeous progression of her, the assertion of her being on the weight of the air and the texture of the land. She dominated the scene effortlessly, made it hers and relentlessly impactful, much as she did continually to your breath.

Suddenly there was a heat under your chin, across your neck, over your shoulders. A world away you reached behind you and clinked the glass against the desk. It tumbled, you think. You don’t care much. You notice the humming and magic rising up in the room, the warm colors seeping into the walls, pink yellow red. It didn’t matter--it was all setup. Whatever was happening hadn’t started just yet. 

You know this feeling, routine and familiar. It was--is-- Kanaya, the sheer pull of her grinning and wry, a green bow against her neck to contrast against the deep red flowing of her dress. It's loose and slack around her chest, giving you a pleasant view of glowing white cleavage. The kind of sight that could make a girl shiver. There’s a slit, a break in her dress where black lining meets long and strong white leg. Her stride to you is sardonic and lazy, like teasing. You have to work to slow down enough to match her pace. 

ROSE: Hi, Kanaya.  
KANAYA: Rose  
KANAYA: What Could Ever Bring You Here   
ROSE: Yes, it is quite the coincidence, I guess.   
ROSE: Well while we’re here, why not take advantage of it?  
ROSE: Miss Kanaya, care to join me for a dance?  
KANAYA: Well I Could Be Convinced I Suppose  


That’s it, that’s all she’s got. She giggles high and silly and cups her eyes in her hand, her patience for your bullshit theatrics expired in record time. In a good way, though. Like a meme that’s a little too old to be acceptable shared with a laugh between old friends. You take the opportunity to lean in, and you don’t hesitate when she offers her hand. 

That’s when the first note plays.

You’re on fire, you’re alight, you’ve lost yourself in her light and her splendor. 

You think to yourself if you’d have the choice you would choose to be the Seer Of Light all over again because the thematic weight is too rich, too decadent. You’re dancing, is there music? You think it’s a song that you recognize, but the real song is in front of you, brilliant white and shining red where the shine of her gets caught under cloth traps. She's more light than body and she takes you and consumes you until she's everything you see. 

You waltz with speed and passion, she spins you and the knowing leads you to misstep, she catches you low at the hip and your free hand is already on her cheek, eager and demanding, pulling her downwards. When your lips meet your tongue makes sure to meet her sharp teeth, a place that holds some of your favorite hidden things.  
Her free hand is rising up your thigh, lifting the fabric of your dress. Your shoulders are burning and shivers all over, and there must be a draft here or a drip because you swear something everything feels wet-- 

You come out of it to the sound of Kanaya laughing--almost snorting, in fact, the strength of it uncharacteristic for either of you. You love it, though--these small moments when the games fray and tatter and all you have is the fun and the humor of it. You giggle, yourself. Vriska. You had been told you suppose, but the drama and the fanfare to the story--the feeling of it-- added a lot to the simple fact. 

KANAYA: John  
KANAYA: Are You Serious You Had Feelings For John   
ROSE: There’s nothing I can say for myself. I’ve been caught red-handed.   
ROSE: Though I may point out your choices haven’t been much wiser.   
KANAYA: Yeah But  
KANAYA: I Mean No Offense But Hes Kind Of An Idiot  
ROSE: Yes, it’s true. But he’s our idiot, after all.   
ROSE: And besides...really, Kanaya? Vriska?  
KANAYA: Oof Fair Enough  
KANAYA: Lets Just Say Our Taste In Partners Is About Equally Terrible Then  
ROSE: Well. FORMER partners, maybe…  
ROSE: Terrible isn’t a descriptor I would use for this  


You say that last part in a whisper, the air of your breath brushing at her neck. She quivers. She’s got the height and the power and the brutal, unforgiving endurance--she’s broken you down with those tools more than once. But you’ve got timing, and rhythm unmatched, and you know just what to say and where to touch to play her. The violin is no contest--this is your favorite instrument. 

You brush the sensitive spot on her stomach that is scar tissue and always raw and she cries out, a pant and an admission. Lightning bolts through you like a fever from your groin when her hands clench on you, on the small of your back, along the inside of your thigh. Oh my god. You think somehow you could not resent Dave for this, you get it, you understand. It’s as if long retold stories were suddenly experienced again for the first time, a momentary trading of your eyes. 

There’s only one thing you want to see now, only one thing you want to share, only one piece of information left to find. You grab hold of Kanaya, grab hold of the seconds and the magic, you use your will and dominate the power of this place to fulfill your eager design--

That’s quite enough of that, you think. You lift yourself into Kanaya’s open arms effortlessly, well-practiced. When the humming and glowing of the room first hiccups and then sputters and then dies, she knows (or takes for granted) that it was somehow at your command. You don’t take the time to seek out Davepeta for a sly smile or a knowing wink or a thanks. The whole world is Kanaya, Kanaya, Kanaya. 

You’d had no idea how she felt about you. All those words shared, so many confessions catholic priests you could have driven catholics bankrupt with sheer competition.  
And still, you’d only ever gathered a fraction of her affection, a whisper of the depth of the distance you’d crossed, just to survive, just to meet each other.

The world is a rush and a whoosing in her arms, although she doesn’t give the impression of moving any faster than a brisk walk. It’s like the world reforms itself around her, like she creates insinctively the path that is most efficient. There’s an urgency and an edge to her movement that isn’t usual, and you spur her on with a kiss on her neck and a whisper in her ear, your neck brushing close and tempting to her lips. You feel the edge of a tooth and it thrills you. 

In what was surely not even ten seconds, you’re home again. Less than a second after that, you’re suddenly pinned against the wide circle and giving cloth of your bed. Above you is Kanaya, her lips pressed tight against yours, her hands calm and collected as they undo the clasps and ties of your dress. She’s dextrous and gifted and it takes her no time at all to have you undressed--you weren’t pretending much, there was little need for undergarments. 

She’s cloth brushing against your skin, she’s a storm of hands trying to subsume you into them, you sink into the bed to escape but there’s no escaping her. Fingertips on your neck, a hand cupping your breast, fingertips tickling down your stomach, teeth pricking and teasing your neck, fingertips feeling down the V-shape of your hips, fingertips reaching--Oh. 

You cry out, moist and pliant. She gives you a pleased, high Hmmm. She searches you out, gentle and delicate, her fingers warming you inside with the warm glow of her luminescence. Your arms wrap around her shoulder and undo her straps, her strings. Cloth falls off her and drapes you when you unzip it the rest of the way--that’s going to be annoying to put back together. She doesn’t mind. 

Her eyes are wide and overwhelmed when your lips take in her nipple and you suck gently at her chest. You can’t see it from this angle, not with your hair in the way (and tickling her) but she gives a breathless gasp and you’re well practiced at measuring the sounds of her, the rhythms of her reflexes.  
Your own hands wander, stroke at her bottom, feel at her thighs, teasing. She cuts to the chase and takes you, finds your clit and rubs at it with the pads of her fingers. You give a cry and fall to the bed-- vanquished, defeated. Your hand locks her arm in a death grip, your free hand falls to the blankets and claws at them. She does not waver, does not let up. This is what she’s best at, unstoppable and merciless, her leg locking you in place, your leg lifted and turned along the curve of her back. Interlocked, interwoven like fabric, like time, like luck and place and circumstance. 

Pressure mounts, then it mounts, then it mounts again. You’ve been cast off your throne of pretense and language, reduced to something simple and animal--a high begging whine forced from your throat--Aaah! Aaah! Aaah! If she gives you any indication of acknowledgement it’s simply that she’s encouraged by it. 

Her free hand parts your face sideways, exposing your neck. She kisses and devours you there, naked and vulnerable--she won’t bite, you know she won’t bite, but she knows that you love her potential to. You’ve done it before. It’s ecstasy, even as it’s agony, even as it’s danger--rocking and jerking like this. 

The teasing is too much, however--or perhaps you’re too raw and too tired to offer much endurance. All at once her fingers burst something in you like an explosive--no, like a sun, going supernova. Your throat is a helpless prisoner to stimulus, and you offer up a pleading shout. Aaa! Aaa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, and your hips are bucking up to meet her hand, and you’re soaking wet and going mad, and you say her name like a prayer to the sky. 

Your hand finds new purpose in sensation and before she can move, adjust, react you’re touching her, groping her, entering. Your sense of timing is flawless, as usual--she’s wet and warm and desperate, her legs already open and waiting for you. She gasps and returns your shout twofold, her hand leaves your face and takes the blankets on the other side for support. 

It takes mere seconds, you explore and move and leave and enter, you find the spot where the nerves gather like the period of a shout pole (will that ever stop making you laugh?). And oooh, shout poles there are. She puts your name in front of them, Rose! Rose! Rose!, how you love to be clamored at. 

Then she’s quivering, collapsing, coming undone like new black space made where a celestial object once orbited itself. Her weight comes down on top of you but that’s fine, you’re strong too, you know how to hold her up in these moments. Your fingers tease and play at her entrance, gentle and playful. 

She breathes hard. You -might- be sweating, but you’d never tell. 

You lift her and drag her under the bedsheets with you, and although it’s peaceful and comfortable, you are both the kind of girls that get bored with lack of action.  
So it isn’t very long before you’re at it again.  
The future, it turns out, is happy enough to wait until you do everything you wanted.  
And then some.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a ton to hexmeridian for beta'ing this for me!


	9. The Beginning of Something Really Excellent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirkjake, SFW
> 
> I should probably let slip that most of this fanfic is written and likely to get posted in chunks, but I can barely guess how many chapters there are.

What first threatens you with consciousness is the feeling of the world shifting under you, realigning itself. It doesn’t bother you much--the new shape it of leaves your neck resting higher but your cheek is pressed deeper into warmth and soft grass, a comforting drumming, like the sun and all its love and fury were caged up in the earth and left to help your rest. 

Long fingers, tender and familiar, slip into the forest of you above your head. They stroke and seek, as if looking for something there, bringing you pleasure instead. They’re a little too rough and a little too fast but on the whole the impression you get is of care and affection and the feeling of it sends a rush of something down your spine, makes you aware of your back. 

You try to remember how to mumble, but it comes out like a purr instead. You wish you could stay like this forever. 

The fingers still a little and you fear the worst but then they start again.  
Thank God you didn’t have to ask. Thank God. God...

God. God like Skaia, like YHWH, like Yaldabaoth. God like the rules of the universe, like structure imposed on chaos, shape encasing ideas, a cruel trap. God like a green thing with red eyes and a twisted, skull-like head. God like judgment and commandment and hoping you would be good enough, worthy after eternities of water to feel the comfort of the land. God like a lot of stupid pointless bullshit. God like being made sharp and hardened and hoping to every power you can learn softness before you’re damned. 

God like cyan wit trading barbs and laughter and commiseration and unspoken mutual reverence. God like hot pink stroking your shoulder when you land on your ass, like destiny and the simple act of holding hands together in a dead land for strength.

God like green blather and bravado and hesitation and faith unshaking, green like a braggart grin hiding vast cleverness and power and joy at every circumstance, green like eyes staring at you with absolution, with danger and hunger, with easy friendship and eager intent. 

Green like the jungle on an island, green like a jacket once coveted wrapped around your chest, green like, green like God, God like a great and lonely pleasure bursting open and finally coming to an end, God like his arms around you and--

JAKE: Dirk…  


Damnit. Awareness crashes over you like harsh light, a curtain torn brutally from pure darkness. So unfair. The upset doesn’t last half a second before your memory follows consciousness and you’re aware of where you are, what your life is, what just happened. Today is not a bad day to wake up to being Dirk Strider. In fact, it may well be the best.

 

Your eyes are lazy about opening and you can’t help but try to snuggle closer into Jake, there’s no thought to it, just instinctive hungry reflex. You open them to loop at his face, but in the way where you really have no damn intention of staying awake much longer. 

But, well, so much for that. Turns out Jake is as usual the greatest thing you have ever seen and just looking at him pulls you up out of dreamland. Nothing could compare, and all that.  
Sleepily what you take in doesn’t register though, Jake looks embarrassed and bright red.

JAKE: Uh, wow, strider i--  
JAKE: I have to ask at this point is this a prank??   
DIRK: Mhhmmm? Whatre ya talkin maboot…  
JAKE: Um, like, with the God and the green and uh...cyan and all that  
DIRK: Wh...huh?  


You suddenly feel substantially more alert. Jake’s blushing makes more sense now.  
And, as it turns out, it’s infectious.

DIRK: Uh, are you saying…  
DIRK: Was I, like, sleep talking, or...something?  
JAKE: You mean you werent doing that on purpose???  
JAKE: cheese on crackers i thought this was your sudden new and weirdly elaborate take on romance…  
JAKE: But the more i heard the more i felt like you were pulling my leg!!  
JAKE: I mean jeez was that a novel youve been working on or what?  
DIRK: What did I say?  
JAKE: Um, mostly a bunch of garbled ramblings…  
JAKE: About Skaia and God and what seemed like talk about me and the gals? But that may be simple presumption on my part…  
DIRK: Shit. Yeah, I was sleeptalking, I guess.   
DIRK: Sorry about that. Did I say something I shouldn’t have?  
JAKE: U-um….no, not really i guess just  
JAKE: Blimey man that sure was...lucid. And passionate, I guess.   
JAKE: That and i had no idea sleeptalking was even a thing you did!!  
DIRK: Yeah. Neither did I? Learn something new every day, I guess.  
DIRK: I’m sorry if that was too...emotional, or something.  
DIRK: All I can say in my defense is that yesterday was sort of a ride and I’m not surprised if my emotions haven’t caught up to my head.   
JAKE: No dont worry its fine.   
JAKE: Im just surprised...and a little worried i guess.   
DIRK: Well, I hope you won’t mind if I ask you to elaborate on both of those points.  
JAKE: Erm…  
DIRK: Jake. Not to be crass, but you not only took my virginity last night, but also probably broke my ass.  
DIRK: Which: Ow, by the way. You could’ve been a little gentler, you know.  
JAKE: Oh….um, sorry about that…  
DIRK: No--it’s fine, it rocked, I didn’t mean it like that.   
DIRK:I just meant to imply this is kind of a silly moment to be anxious about how anything you have to say could have an adverse affect on me, or on us.   
DIRK: Personally, I think nothing short of an entirely new apocalypse will stop me from feeling happy as a clam.   
JAKE: Gosh...you really feel that way?   
DIRK: You can’t tell?  
JAKE: I mean...sort of, i guess i can. I just cant really believe it, which is sort of the problem i guess.   
DIRK: …  
JAKE: Y-you implied,  
JAKE: Well, I mean, in the course of that bizarre yarn i thought i caught a thread that  
JAKE: You think i’m…clever? Smart, i guess?   
DIRK: ...Yes?  
DIRK: That should be obvious, isn’t it? You didn’t need me in a moment of unconcious indiscretion to tell you that.   
JAKE: Ha. Yeah, i guess…  
JAKE: But suppose you humor me for a minute and just let me ask  
JAKE: Did you…i mean, did you mean that?   
DIRK: ...You genuinely think it’s a question?   
JAKE: Well, you have always made it clear you dont think much of my choice in excellent cinema.  
JAKE: Which is fine! One is entitled to their taste its just…  
JAKE: Oh i dont know just over the course of our adventure AR made some comments on my intelligence i guess  
JAKE: And so did Caliborn...and that blue alien lady who showed up with the rest of the gang, and even Jane when she was a mind-controlled robot empress…  
JAKE: I dunno geez i guess it just got to me for a while?? After a certain point a guy just has to wonder i guess   
DIRK: Huh. I...honestly didn’t have a clue that was bothering you.  
DIRK: Which I think says a lot on the subject of how smart I am, or how much of a right I have to be making statements on anyone else’s intellectual merit. Especially me as an AI as 13.   
DIRK: As for Caliborn, fuck that guy. As for Vriska, we’ve heard plenty about the kind of messes she left behind, and for all we know all her ambition just left her stone cold dead.  
JAKE: …  
DIRK: And as for Jane, you can’t seriously believe she meant that.   
DIRK: She wasn’t herself. And besides, we all fucked up and made mistakes back then.  
DIRK:Said things we shouldn’t have.  
JAKE: Yeah…  


He flicks his thumb and produces something like a small flame of hope light from it. It fizzles and wavers but ultimately keeps its place, stubbornly existing. You’re glad for it, even though his eyes focus there at your expense. He looks so sad and distant, something in you clenches. You wish you knew how to fix it, but you suspect only time would really do that--not just for him, but for Jane, too. Roxy. All of you, you guess.

DIRK: I’m sorry. For my part in making you feel like that about yourself, I mean.  
DIRK: Suffice it to say, I think you’re brilliant. I don’t know how much I’d be into you if I didn’t feel you made for a good chat, after all.  
DIRK: And as you helpfully pointed out with the movies thing, I’m pretty critical. Even with things that hold my interest.   
JAKE: Heh…  
DIRK: Speaking of that. I don’t think your movies are dumb either, really.   
JAKE: You dont????  
DIRK: No, I mean, I do in a sense. But not a bad one.  
DIRK: I admire how you can just relax and absorb yourself in something so fully, I guess.   
DIRK: I have a hard time just stepping outside of myself like that, as you well know.  
DIRK: And it isn’t always for the best. So I like that you’re around to at least try to drag it out of me. Remind me that it’s possible.   
JAKE: Huh…  
JAKE: Gosh strider thats really nice to hear :) thanks man  
DIRK: Glad I can be of service.   


He laughs, and there’s a sharpness to it. You chuckle and brush up against the same edge. He’s exposed up to the abdomen, all hair and dark tan. The blanket’s hiding the rest of him, frustratingly, enticingly. At some point you sat up against the bed rest to match him, but you haven’t yet found the nerve to get out of bed. Sooner or later one of you will have to, though. 

You try for his hand, but it doesn’t twist to answer you. You still manage something that you hope is affectionate. Pap.

JAKE: So, erm...about last night, and what I said…  


There it is. You knew there was something else coming.

DIRK: You mean, about loving me?  
JAKE: Well...no and yes.   
JAKE: I just...the way i meant it and the way i said it sounded...different in my head?  
JAKE: And then the way you said it back sounded REALLY different and...oh gosh, um  


Suddenly the guy is sweating bullets. His eyes avoid you like a plague, and you hope that means he can’t tell how disappointed this turn is leaving you. You focus on your memory of last night to quell the anxious fear in your head already insisting this is it, this is as far as you get. There’s no way all of that was fake, right? He used his ridiculous endless hope potential. You bite your tongue, literally, and wait for him to say whatever it is he needs you to hear. 

After a few more minutes of fussing and mumbling and struggling (they feel like years) he seems to find what he’s looking for, but he isn’t any happier about it. His look becomes something deeply miserable and your heart is going down with it. He gathers the blankets about himself and sits up, arms around his knees, hidden by cloth except for his face and neck.

JAKE: Im sorry bro i know this must be stressful for you  
DIRK: …  
JAKE: I only say anything because i think this was part of the problem last time and i really dont want to mess everything up, you understand?  
JAKE: I dont want to start things off between us on a basis of misunderstandings again is all  
DIRK: ...Ok. I understand that.   
JAKE: Really????  
DIRK: Yeah. I mean, even if you kind of just implied you don’t love me--which would be fair if it’s true anyway,  
JAKE: I--  
DIRK: It DID just happen in the context of...whatever the hell that was last night. Even my neurotic brain can’t just dismiss something like that out of hand.   
JAKE: Haha, yeah i suppose so.  
DIRK: Just...tell me, ok? Whatever your reasoning is, you still pretty much swept me off my feet yesterday, so I doubt it can be that bad. And if it is, I won’t be mad.   
JAKE: ….You’re sure? Promise?  
DIRK: I promise, man.   
JAKE: Ok well here goes then.   
JAKE: I think i meant i love you as a friend?  


Oh. Ok, ow. You hope to god you still have something of a poker face.

JAKE: But see its weird to say that because i do really like being boyfriends.  
JAKE: I just...i dont think i can distinguish how i feel about you from how i feel about Roxy or Jane or how im starting to feel about the rest of our new friends, is all.  
JAKE: Its different obviously because our relationship is different and the things we...erm, do are different from things i do with anyone else  
JAKE: And its not like i DONT love you i love you a lot i love all our friends so much and i really dont want this to sound like im underplaying that!! Or like im saying youre not special to me  
JAKE: It just...i don’t know, it’s not romantic exactly i guess. You just feel like, i dunno, like my best friend who i like to kiss and apparently now also have sex with i guess???  
JAKE: And i love all my best friends but they’re all unique and special to me in their own ways, you know what i mean yeah?   
DIRK: Yeah, absolutely.   
JAKE: It’s just when you act all lovey-dovey or romantic and doting...its not that i dont like it really it just seems like a different sort of affection from whats rolling around in my head?  
JAKE: Or am i just overthinking that? I cant tell to be honest.  
JAKE: For a while there ive been worried i just...wasnt capable of feeling like that, however exactly “that” is supposed to feel.   
JAKE: And the worry of letting you down in that sense was part of what made everything so gosh-darned difficult the first time so i dont want to let it happen again!  


You’re getting hells of mixed messages here, but a form of understanding is starting to unravel from them in your head. Your shoulders untense some.

DIRK: Hmm. I see.   
DIRK: Well I can tell you I don’t think it’s all in your head.  
DIRK: My anxieties were always fed by a sense that you were uncomfortable with me, somehow.   
DIRK: At the time I mostly chalked it up to me just...having a dick, since it was already a result I mostly expected and was scared of.   
DIRK: And you’re right, that’s not at all how I would describe my feelings for you.  
DIRK: I love Jane. I adore Roxy. And it’s nice, to be developing a sense of family and belonging with Dave and Karkat and all these new guys.   
DIRK: A lot of why I get up in the morning is so my life can continue including them.  
DIRK: But with you it’s different. I mean, yeah, you’re my best friend and that accounts for the bulk of my feelings for you.  
DIRK: But there’s an edge of passion and need for me that always seemed clearly lacking for you. Like if I didn’t put in the work, you’d be fine if we simply continued being friends.   
DIRK: Am I close to describing it?   
JAKE: Yes i think so actually. At least before we started dating, now i dont know id want things to stay so chaste indefinitely  
JAKE: Gosh you have a way with words though  
DIRK: Heh.   
DIRK: But,  
DIRK: You’re saying it’s not about the sex? And you want to be in a relationship with me, despite that?  
JAKE: Well yeah dirk i mean after last night i dont think itd be sane to complain about the sex!!!  
JAKE: Really that was never an issue, you were often a prominent player in my fantasies if i’m being honest as a man.  
DIRK: !  
JAKE: Or as...a person i guess? I don’t really know if i like being thought of as a man.  
JAKE: I dunno. Would it be much to ask for you not to call me that, by the way? A man i mean.   
DIRK: Nah, that’s fine. Whatever you like. Should I also retire “Bro” and “Dog” and other stuff like that?   
DIRK: I don’t mind, but you may have to help me come up with some other terms of endearment that aren’t too sappy.  
JAKE: Haha no those are all quite alright. It’s really just the one word to be honest.  
JAKE: Its….reminding me of some lousy things lately.   
DIRK: Alright. So, back to the subject at hand.   
DIRK: Before I officially respond to your confession and possibly bring the conversation to an end, there’s something I’ve always wanted to ask.   
JAKE: Oh! Um...sure, shoot!! Bombs away and all that.   
DIRK: Ok. Here goes.  
DIRK: By your say so there’s really not much of a difference for you between your feelings for me and your feelings for Jane, I guess.   
DIRK: And even though she seems to have moved on well enough, I can’t help but feel guilty. And also a little afraid, I guess.   
DIRK: Would you...DO you…  
DIRK: Rather, you don’t want her, instead?   
JAKE: Oh...hm.  
JAKE: There was a time when i considered it a possibility i guess?  
JAKE: Before the game i mean, when things started speeding up so fast.  
JAKE: And i mean, like i said if i wasnt already with you and things were less...complicated? And she wanted that? I suppose i could still see it happening we’re still great chums and all…  
DIRK: …  
JAKE: But i dunno. Things ARE that complicated, and to be honest i like being with you a lot.  
JAKE: The sex with girls thing i guess has come to mind at times but to be honest im having a hard enough time wrapping my head around...whatever last night was!   
JAKE: It sounds so nerve wracking right now adding more complication to that.   
JAKE: So i dunno while i think the potential was there right now i just dont think its happening on either of our ends, which is for the best if you think about it.   
DIRK: Yeah, I guess. I just can’t help feeling like maybe I took you away from what you really wanted.  
JAKE: Nonsense, dirk! I wouldn’t have come this far if i was pretending, how does that make any sense?   
JAKE: I like how we are together and what we’re doing right now, and its really as simple as that.  
DIRK: Yeah. Ok…  
DIRK: That does make me feel better. As far as, you know, whatever the exact nature of your feelings are for me…  
DIRK: I’m going to say take your time, and don’t worry about it. I like how we are and what we’re doing, too.   
JAKE: R-really?  
DIRK: Yes.   
JAKE: Ok. Cool. Great, then! Jesus mary and joseph thats such a load off my chest.  
DIRK: You know me, pal. Always happy to help get your loads off.   
JAKE: !   


He laughs, and smacks at your shoulder just hard enough to sting a tad. Your grin feels like it could break your face open. You take Jane in, feeling like you understand him just a little better than last night, that much better than the morning before that. You hope you can keep feeling that--so far it’s been working well, following Karkat’s advice.

DIRK: So, I need to go check out Davepeta’s club for Rose. There’s some stuff going on you should know about. But before that,  
DIRK: You mentioned fantasies I’d been a part of?   
JAKE: Ah--haha, um.   
JAKE: Yeah.   
DIRK: How about we trade some?   


\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Today you learned Jake is into furries (actual furries, not the Avatar kind). Also that his fantasies about you had at least sometimes included girls and threesomes (It’s hard to be surprised by it, but you can’t say you’re too pleased at the idea). He’s not really comfortable with the idea of bottoming (You’re not going to complain about his dick in your ass under any circumstance.) And the most he’s ever been turned on by anything, according to his testimony, was any and every noise he could get you to make last night. (You certainly know you’re pleased about that.) 

Jake, for his part, learned that your interest in horses can get a little weird sometimes (You may own a few masks), you’re really interested in trying bondage (which got him surprisingly excited), and you’re not really picky about what you do so long as one or both of you gets touched on the wiener. He seemed surprised by that, but not as surprised as he was when you confessed you were always most excited when he got affectionate. 

Now you were taking advantage of the high noon of the day, stepping into Davepeta’s mysterious dance chamber. Yep, there sure was a bunch of Heart magic at play here, alright. You can feel it in the air, a crackle and a spark of something, a suggestion of a link to a greater whole of you. You’re definitely not just saying it because there’s a big old heart design plastered right in the middle of the room or anything. 

But as for more than that...well, you’re not sure what Rose expected. You’re not really sure what to make of this, and it doesn’t seem to be activating for your sakes, either. 

And then in a flash of green and orange, there’s Davepeta.

DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  howdy ny’all  
DIRK: Oh, hey. We were just looking for you.   
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  were you nyaow? What cat i help with? B33  
JAKE: Hehe…   
DIRK: Well, I’ll cut to the chase, if you don’t mind.   
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  is it a cat and mouse chase, purrhaps?  
JAKE: Hahaha!  
DIRK: Rose asked me here. There’s something going on with her vision of the future, and Dave’s visit to you is when it started.   
DIRK: She wanted to know exactly what you’re doing with the god tier magic stuff, so I’m just here to ask.   
DIRK: What ARE you doing with the god tier magic stuff?   
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  yea i purrty much figured.   
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  well the bottom line is   
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  me n jasprose are using them to show efurybody a good time!  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  i told jade once, about how every version of you ultimately adds up to a more total picture of yourself   
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  think of it as me snatching some of those others and handing them over to the partiers for the time  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  with jasproses help theyre just sort of intuitively led to important or desirable moments in time   
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  for their own pleasure or satisfaction  
DIRK: ...I see.  
DIRK: But isn’t that kind of an irresponsible use of our powers?  
DIRK: Borderline cheating, if you think about it? It sounds a lot like getting a shortcut to communication and self-honesty, from my perspective.   
DIRK: Our experience with those hasn’t been too great.  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  h33h33 yea i know all about n’yall and your trickster nyansense  
JAKE: Y-you do??  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  remembfur jake i am technically still YOUR sprite, aftfur all B33  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  which reminds me, your hope powers s33m to be coming along nicely, huh?   
JAKE: !!!   
JAKE: Uh... you’re aware, then? So that means... you saw us.  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  ????  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  nnnooo im just your sprite which gives me a sense of how your purrsonal devefurment is coming along   
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  but if you had a hot date or w.e with them thats cool too, i HOPE that was fun X33   
DIRK: Smooth, Jake.  
JAKE: Bollocks…  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  aw cum onnnn, its not like its worth getting purrsnickety with me   
DIRK: Did you just--  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  the point i was going to make, bro  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  is its not exactly the same as yalls sugar high garbage  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  these memories and perspectives DO rightfully belong to you aftur all  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  and anyway it’s not like they last too long  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  soon enough the memories subside even if they stay a part of you in some sense  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  its really no different than any shared intense experience   
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  not that ny’all would have any expurrience with those, huh? h33h33  
JAKE: Um... *tugs at collar*  
DIRK: Ok, you’re definitely fucking with us.   
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  lmao yeah of coarse i am  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  its still true tho  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  that said youre right in that some things are best expurressed in words  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  this kind of thing can bring all sorts of f33lings to the furfront  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  which is why we wouldnt play for groups who still have things to hide  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  you seem cute and id hate to mess n’yall up or anything like that   
DIRK: Things to hide? What’s that supposed to mean?   
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  why dont you tell me? Or jake, maybe you have something to offer?   
JAKE: Uhhhh, i…  
DIRK: I really don’t know what you’re implying, but you’re making him uncomfortable.   
DIRK: Lay off.   
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  h33h33 yeah i suppose the man of action would know best  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  good thing you know to rise to the occasion so swiftly then, huh? just pounce all up on that first chance you get >B33  
DIRK: …  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  all im pointin out is you’re making makin purgress, jake  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  but fur whatever reason youre not quite there yet  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  i just worry about you guys!   
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  its easy to furget to be honest when things are going swell  
DIRK: ...Alright. Advice duly noted, wise catgirl brosprite.  
DIRK: So you have nothing to do with this timeline nonsense?   
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  Not as fur as i know.  
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  But hey! Once it’s over and you kids sort your shit out, you should come back.   
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  I know for sure you’d have a blast.  
DIRK: Thanks, but I think I’ll pass.   
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  h33h33, try not to stay too mad at me, yeah?   
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33  i really am lookin out for nya! X33  


You don’t walk out--you fly. Jake follows, gaze lingering behind. It’s only once you’re far enough away that you’re confident you can’t be overhead that you let out a frustrated grunting yell, scratching at your head. Jake chuckles behind you, but he seems a bit concerned when you meet his eyes. You don’t know why you didn’t notice before now, but he seems a little tired, a little strung out somehow.

JAKE: Blooming trousers, its sure unlike you to mess up your hair like that, dirk.  
JAKE: Did they really get to you that bad?  
DIRK: Christ, yes! That was so frustrating!  
DIRK: I don’t know what it is about sprites. Each one is more ridiculous and impenetrable than the last.   
DIRK: I mean, the cat puns and the probing loaded questions and the cutesy bullshit are one thing, but on top of that bizarre description of their weird existential magic? Ugh.  
DIRK: I can’t really get a read on any of that.  
JAKE: Haha. I thought the whole alternate selves thing sounded pretty weird, but...maybe kind of fun, sometime?  
JAKE: It would certainly be an adventure if nothing else!   
DIRK: ...Well. We can try it if you want to, sometime.   
DIRK: At least, once we figure out this mess. And if Davepeta ever pisses me off a little less.  
DIRK: Speaking of which...What was that about?  
JAKE: What?  
DIRK: Their weird allusions to something being wrong with us. I know so little about what it’s like to have a decent sprite, I couldn’t tell if that was bullshit.   
DIRK: It seemed to me like they were deflecting, hiding something, and I’m not sure what to think about that. But as for us, I just figured I’d ask.   
JAKE: O-oh! Well...um…  
JAKE: I don’t know, to be honest i got the same impression you did.   
JAKE: But i suppose in a way they were right, it just wasnt such a big thing that it warranted mentioning.   
DIRK: ...Yeah?  
JAKE: They may have been picking up on the urge that i’m feeling pretty tired, ah, company-wise, i guess?  
DIRK: Oh.   
JAKE: Y-you know how it is! It’s not that i didn’t want to come on this little venture or anything, i was just thinking maybe after that, it’d be nice to relax at home for a tad.  
JAKE: I wasn’t hiding anything though! It just wasnt time to say so just yet, i was honestly enjoying myself all day.  
DIRK: ...Alright.   
JAKE: You...believe me? Just like that, no questions asked?  
DIRK: Well. Yeah. I wasn’t expecting us to just be glued to each other all the time from now on. After a certain point, even I have to learn my lessons, right?  
JAKE: Haha.  
DIRK: But...you’re sure you weren’t avoiding saying so? For worry of hurting my feelings, or whatever?  
JAKE: Yes i can promise you that.   
JAKE: And besides that little thing all i can think of is...well, jane i guess.   
DIRK: Oh. Yeah.  
JAKE: I gotta be honest dirk things have gotten better, its nice that were friends again but…  
JAKE: Well i dunno, its like we need a new friendship ice breaker all over again?  
JAKE: And things are so messed up and twisted there i just dont know where to start.  
JAKE: But...i miss her.   
DIRK: I know what you mean. She and I have the same thing going on, for different reasons.  
DIRK: Though I think it’s a little better on my end. She and I have at least gotten to talk about you and all of our...stuff.   
JAKE: You have??? When???  
DIRK: Only twice. First just before we god tiered, after the trickster nonsense.  
JAKE: Ugh...don’t remind me about that again. :(  
DIRK: The second time was a bit after we started dating again. I...wanted to check we were still cool after that, I guess.   
JAKE: I understand. And...are you? Am i, with her? We get on well enough when we hang out but…  
DIRK: I think the answers to that are yes and yes. She alluded to feeling ‘over’ you, last time we spoke.  
DIRK: My guess is, she’s in a situation similar to ours. Things were complicated and messy, and she needs time, and doesn’t quite know how to bridge the distance.  
DIRK: I know for a fact she doesn’t hate you. Or me, for that matter. I don’t think she’d mind me passing on that much.   
DIRK: But, to be honest, the rest is as I said--a guess.   
DIRK: Maybe you should ask her about it?   
JAKE: Maybe...that wouldnt upset you, though? Make you nervous, i guess?  
DIRK: Jesus, Jake. You don’t need my permission to talk to your friends.  
DIRK: If I ever made you feel that way, it was just me being a neurotic asshole. I’m sorry, for whatever that’s worth, by the way.  
JAKE: Aw man don’t take it like that dirk…  
JAKE: I just...i dont want to hurt anybody, or see any of you sad.   
DIRK: Well, you’re not going to hurt me by talking to Jane.  
DIRK: I want us all to be friends again as bad as you do. And I’m sure she wants that too. So that’s that.   
JAKE: Alright, i’ll...i’ll think about it. Hehe, i guess davepeta is a pretty helpful sprite even after all that, huh?   
DIRK: Well, I still think they’re annoying as fuck. But fine, they can have some points back.   
JAKE: Heh.  
DIRK: Alright. So...that’s done. I guess we should split up for a while now, huh?   
JAKE: Oh. Um, yeah, i guess…  
DIRK: Do you...want me to fly you home, or?  
JAKE: Haha, no thats fine dirk, i can find my way back.  
DIRK: Ha. Alright, I can take a hint.   
DIRK: I hope this won’t be too annoying, but is a goodbye kiss also too much to ask?  
JAKE: Hahaha! Come on dirk, give a gent a little credit, you know i wouldn’t bang and run.   
DIRK: Jesus, talk about a dirty mouth.  
JAKE: Oh, sorry i guess? I was just trying to lighten the mood a bit…  
DIRK: N-no, it’s fine. I was joking too, it just came out wrong.   
JAKE: Oh, aces then. So then…  
JAKE: C’mere…  


He grins at you and the word and the ease of him are like gravity, a leash tugging at you, pulling you in. He kisses gentle and slow and deep, and you barely notice it’s more sluggish than yesterday. It doesn’t bother you--you’re more sluggish than yesterday too anyway, aching and sore as you are. 

It barely hurts at all when he’s leaving. He’ll be back. With a small bit of disbelief, you realize you’re genuinely starting to learn that.


	10. Unlabeled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John/Roxy and Davekat, pretty NSFW i'd say? my categorization for this stuff sucks!
> 
> Thanks a ton to sollay and hex for beta'ing this for me :)

ROXY: lmao   
ROXY: john i gotta be honest  
ROXY: this movie is ridiculous   


You’re riled up, definitely--but not with indignation. You can’t believe you’re saying this, but it’s a little hard to care that your girlfriend is dissing Ghostbusters. She’d wipe the floor with you if you tried to argue even under the best of circumstances--every bit as smart as Rose, though way blunter, and cheerily ruthless. And these are definitely not the best of circumstances. 

She knows what she’s doing. She’s been getting steadily closer the entire time you’ve been watching, and not in the innocent movie-kind of way you’ve been closing your distance. Sure, you pretended to stretch and put your arm around her--a classic. Made the wind blow on her back a little too cold, getting her to cuddle up closer--only a reasonable use of a gentleman’s godhood, right? Safe stuff, cute date things. 

But Roxy liked to go straight for the gold most of the time, and that was true here, too. Her head rested on your shoulder and that was your doing, sure--but her arm had snaked around your back and was now resting on your thigh, angled just right to remain chaste but nerve-wracking. When she spoke up, she made sure to turn her head towards you so you could feel her breath on your neck and the bottom of your chin. It was warm.

You felt...bizarre and electric, and the whole Keymaster/Gatekeeper thing in this movie feel really weird all of a sudden, though not exactly in a bad way. You are however not in any condition to nerd out about all of this movie’s incredible merits, and damnit, Roxy knew it. Her prankster’s gambit was going completely off the rails here. 

You try to speak but just gulp instead. She can see you’re blushing, shit. Oh god she’s just smiling that little wry smile at you, you know it so well, it’s the one where the jig is up completely. Her lips split into a grin and you really don’t want to finish this movie, do you? Your nerd credentials have been shot completely. 

What you want is to taste that black lipstick, see what it feels like under your tongue, see where it is she wants to take this. You ignore the crack of fear and worry that shoots through you along with the desire, the strange feeling that this is wrong. You’re staring now. She’s staring too. In the background the greatest work of art of your dead people goes on playing, unappreciated and ignored. 

Her hand moves a little and you jump--NOT over there, mercifully. A gust blows through the room and she chuckles a little.

ROXY: wuts up john  
ROXY: somethin on ur mind??? Lol  
JOHN: you know what you’re doing, you cheater  
JOHN: using your wiley...wiles to mess with me and get out of the movie!  
JOHN: you really dont like it that much? :(  
ROXY: aw no john the movies cool  
ROXY: ur just SOOO much cuter tho i cant help myself  
ROXY: whats a poor girl to do ;( *sad wonk*  
JOHN: !!!  
JOHN: O-oh. Um, ok, i guess thats fine then   
JOHN: I mean im pretty much in...the same boat, to be honest…  
ROXY: o RLY….;) *curios wonk*  
JOHN: God. Fine, screw it--bill murray’s genius can wait  


You match the statement with one of your favorite tricks--a strong blast of air slams the side of the TV on the power button, tipping it backwards and shutting off the screen. You overshot it, though--too worked up. The TV threatens to fall from the wall entirely and you panic just enough to get the breeze to push it back into place from behind gently. You breathe a sigh of relief, and Roxy lets go of the breath she was holding, too--in a soft giggle. 

When you leaned forward, her hand had pulled back, however. The palm that had been teasing your thigh was now nails poised over your lower back, resting gently, a trap waiting to spring. She’d learned you liked the raking of them on your skin fairly recently, and now she was enjoying growing them out. There’s a dryness in your mouth and your eyes meet sideways. In hers you see a mischievous glint. 

Then she’s clawing across the top of your ass gently, and this time you don’t jump--you fly up off the couch and out her reach with a yelp. Too much, it’s too much too quickly and you’re not used to always wanting more like this. Your heart is beating too fast in your chest and she’s laughing, thrown over the couch.

Her hair frames her face in a way you like. Not for the first time you think about how she reminds you of Rose and Dave at the same time--she’s so much more earnest about how she wants your attention, though, and when she’s sarcastic it’s always more sweet than bitter. Usually thoughts like that would weird you out, but today it just makes you feel warmer and at ease. It really is like she was always part of your life, in a weird way.

You float back down to her and she grabs hold of your windsock and pulls you down into her embrace like a balloon, you yelp and spread your arms so you don’t end up slamming right into her. You swear low but with a small grin. You’re like a yo-yo in her hands, it’s ridiculous how outclassed you are. You like it, though. 

You realize, a million years too late, that you’re just kind of...on top of her, now. Your hands are framing the sides of her face, tickled by the wisps of her hair that curl upwards enticingly. There’s a tight heat in your stomach suddenly. You wonder if she feels it.  
She’s just staring at you. You’re staring, too, come to think of it. 

You still want to taste that lipstick, you think. And then you stop thinking, stop worrying for a moment, and you do. She’s warm and wet and her tongue is an immediate force in your mouth, eager and needy, and you lose yourself in the feeling of it. Her hands grab at your jaw, feel your stubble and the hair and skin around your ears, holding you in place as if there’s anywhere you’d rather be. Your heart is pounding. 

Suddenly you find your hands are wandering. Holding on to her arm, tracing the curve of her sides and hips, she moans into your mouth immediately. Holy shit. That sound was NOT innocent. That panging feeling of being in over your head fills you in a wave and is gone again in a second, because her hands are traveling too, slipping like a thief into the hidden places under your shirt, finding skin cloaked and secret. You didn’t know you could make sounds like that, either--a soft gasp of surprise and pure stimulus. 

You can feel yourself drawn tight and uncomfortable against your pants and you hope hope hope to dear god she doesn’t notice. Again she steals your thoughts from you before you can feel them, though, this time by giving. You don’t understand what she’s doing when she first wraps her hand around her wrist, predictably. You just watch her, a puppet, a puppy, waiting to learn the nature of your trick. 

There’s white molten something flowing through your crotch, down your back, in your chest. You can’t breathe. Your hand moves in hers, a prisoner, traveling over her shoulder, fingers papping softly on her neck. Lower, lower, she gives another soft moan of pleasure--oh.

Oh.

JOHN: Oh.  
ROXY: um  
ROXY: sorry actually is that...is that not alright? i...wasnt thinking--  
JOHN: n-no, its, its fine i just   
JOHN: i’ve never...um, that’s, i mean   
JOHN: wow  


You kind of can’t wrap your head around the fact that she wants your hands on her like this. She’s warm and soft and giving under you, a soft mound and curve that reminds you of...you don’t know what, actually. But when your hand curls around and feels more of her under the cloth of her God Tier duds she gasps in a way that makes you feel teased, makes you feel hungry for more. At the same time, you feel a pang of shame and that insistent fear again. Fight it off once more--warning outstripped by wanting. 

You’re so hard in your pants you’re scared they might rip. Her hands are on the skin of your back and the grip of your hips and you’re getting pretty nervous about where they might be going. You ignore the worry--you’re not actually gonna go THAT far, right? And this is nice, this exploring her, learning her like you’ve never learned anybody, and knowing she’s doing the same thing back. You don’t want to risk putting a stop to it. 

 

Your lower yourself closer and take point in the game going on between your lips. Her lipstick tastes like licorice, but maybe you just picked up the association from Terezi, and the sudden intrusion of HER into your thoughts now of all times is an entirely new rush of intoxication and frustration. She’d been ignoring you pretty much completely since the game started, and it was hard to figure out why, especially when it just pissed you off so much you tried not to think about it. 

Whatever. Who needs her? Roxy had been plenty clear about wanting this, about wanting you, and she didn’t seem like she was changing her mind anytime soon. There was a lot going on pretty much perpetually, but lately it had all been starting to get to her. It was nice, being a source of joy and levity. Weirdly her trust in you makes everything hotter and you can’t help but play the confessions and rare awful tears over in your head, the memories--

i was...lonely, mostly.   
drinking was a way to be closer to her  
i liked imagining what it’d be like, if i’d gotten to grow up with them  
i used to try and figure out how to bring them all over to me  
theyr all so hard on themselves   
Jane feels awful all the time and nothing I say rly helps yanno  
Jake is always w/ Dirk or being all awk and idk what to do about THAT  
i was kind of gross to dirk a lot when we were kids  
theres lots im not proud of from back then   
i just wish we could all be friends again  
like we used to be   


Lonely hurts. Stagnant hurts. Hurts she’ll barely even think about except when they get too much for her--you know the kind, you’ve lived them. It’s like she’s shut the windows to herself and now she’s suffocating in air gone bad. It hurts your heart worse than almost anything, makes you wish the kind of air you can turn into could blow into her and blow it all clean, a fresh breath. 

You’ll settle for your hand sneaking under her shirt like this, the feeling of her stomach--holy fuck-- her sudden wheezy shout ringing high in your ears making you dizzy. You don’t know Dirk too well, he kind of intimidates you, but every time things escalate like this you say a tiny prayer of thanks the dude’s apparently the gayest there is. She’s told you all about that stuff, and he inspires all sorts of feelings in you. Reminds you of Dave, back when you were young enough that he could sort of intimidate you with his fakey cool bullshit. 

Unlike Dave, though, with Dirk you sense all that pretension and projected competence is slick deadly serious. The thought that she finds you attractive when compared to him is almost more than you can process, definitely more than you can handle.  
It feels unreasonably sweet. 

Heat, wet friction and fumbling. Your thumb brushes what must be her nipple because she hisses and squeals and you feel an entirely new level of flushed chill plunging you deep into unknown waters. That’s fine, right? Unknown waters are BASICALLY the only place you’ve ever been. 

Is what you’re thinking, fittingly, ironically, when you finally notice her hands moving lower towards your crotch, toward your--oh god, oh no, oh jeez…

The word “WAIT” is dead in your throat when she finds you, closes her grip on you. Oh god, you’re so hard, so raw and alive and utterly and completely not ready for this. The instant she makes contact you yell, a high broken “AHHHnn...” that’s embarrassingly ungraceful. You fall over on your forearms just to hold yourself up, raw stimulus threatening to drown you. She doesn’t move but you’re still gasping high and reedy, trying to catch up, trying to catch your breath. 

She rises up to try and find your lips and you try to answer but then she gives you a gentle yank and you yell again and you can’t, no more, that’s it--

JOHN: roxy roxy hang on stop PLEASE ROXY!!  
ROXY: woah WOAH OK! I STOPPED!   


She lets go, and you feel like you might collapse with relief. You can’t move, can’t fly, can’t do anything but try to keep your lungs moving rationally. Your gasping is loud and desperate and probably gross for her actually. You try to remember how to talk, how to think. She’s sitting up against the couch, obviously worried. Shit.

ROXY: um holy shit john u alright did i hurt you???  
JOHN: no i’m...i’m alright, that wasn’t bad or anything i just  
JOHN: shit i gotta be honest i just wasnt ready for that   
JOHN: i didn’t think we were going THAT far is all this is all so...new to me  
JOHN: holy shit…  
ROXY: y-yea, i feel ya. it’s...new for me, too, and everythin  
ROXY: sorry about scaring you??? :( shit i feel so bad   
ROXY: holy shit are you shaking??????  
JOHN: no its okay, it’s not your fault i probably shouldve said something earlier  
JOHN: wait i mean i guess i AM shaking at least i might be?? its just, not your fault   
JOHN: it was just really unexpected!!! i just thought there’d be more of a...progression, to this stuff?  
JOHN: man i really dont want to hurt your feelings here that was great in a weird way i just  
JOHN: i dont think i’m ready for...that much, right now? could we just,  
JOHN: could we just maybe slow down a little bit?   
ROXY: shit lmao yes john of course  
JOHN: thanks  


You find the ability to push yourself off your hands and knees and sit down on the side of the couch opposite her. She’s right, you are shaking, just a little bit. Christ, what’s the matter with you? Roxy clearly still feels awful, which is just great. You can’t believe how hard you just blew it. Your dick is still hard, hilariously, and humiliatingly visible. You fuss with the fabric of your shirt and grit your teeth.

JOHN: Um. sorry if i ruined our awesome date   
ROXY: lol no john it is faiiiirrly safe 2 say  
ROXY: that i did that  
JOHN: :( i dont like this   
JOHN: making you unhappy just because i’m being kind of a scaredy cat   
ROXY: well i dont like making you scared because i cant keep it in my pants, so just  
ROXY: no hard feelings???  
ROXY: or, your pants, i guess  
ROXY: whatevs  
JOHN: hehehe  
ROXY: :o woa a laugh  
JOHN: yeah, that was funny! this IS pretty weird and silly  
ROXY: well i GUESS i feel a lot better if we can laugh about it so  
JOHN: yeah. listen, i still had a lot of fun just there  
JOHN: i’d rather that not become a sad thing between us  
JOHN: i just need a little time to...figure that stuff out, is all. ok?   
ROXY: hmmmm  
ROXY: ok i think i can promise not to get all down on myself bout it  
ROXY: IF we can at least finish this movie first  
ROXY: i did wanna find out what the deal was w the marshmallow man  
JOHN: heheh. deal :B  
ROXY: just uh   
ROXY: dont expect me to take point on the snuggling if you want to ok  
ROXY: no offense i just dont want to spook ya again  
JOHN: yeah, that sounds good.   
JOHN: right now, at least, we can settle for some holding hands…?  
ROXY: deal  


It’s still nice between you two, you realize with immense relief. The moment passed, and nothing was ruined by your ridiculous freak out. The movie starts playing, you both settle into your parts, and soon enough there’s jokes and ghosts and the gatekeeper thing is still weird but whatever, the tingles and the shivering are dissipating quickly. You wonder what to do about it, absently, in between Roxy’s hesitant joking remarks and questions about the movie. You wish Dave wasn’t so busy lately, it’d be nice to talk to him about it. If awkward.

Which makes it a welcome surprise when later in the night, after Roxy’s left, Rose’s message is waiting for you on the old Crosbytop. She wants you to come with her to pay Dave a visit. You think to yourself that might be just what you need. 

======================================================

JOHN: ... ack!  
JOHN: OUCH!  
JOHN: dude this thing is a fucking piece of shit!!!!  
DAVE: i know isnt it awesome   
JOHN: oooow ): dave i think my butt is broken  
DAVE: why would you just fall like an idiot like that literally all you ever do is fly  
JOHN: i was trusting the engineering behind my friends crappy jpeg skateboard ok!! Jeez!!  
DAVE: well hopefully now you know better  


You’d landed right on a fucking rock, too. There was a stinging pain in your ass and honestly, you couldn’t really say Dave was wrong. You should’ve been ready to fall off that piece of garbage any second. You’d just been so wrapped up in last night’s...ordeal that you’d gotten distracted completely. 

You rolled over, letting yourself float softly onto the grass below face down. You made a pretty good show of morosely laying there, you thought, really working up an image of a boy in the middle of a serious funk. Dave didn’t really seem to care though, the jackass just kept yapping and yapping about how high the stupid skateboard was going, and hey john go alchemize a ruler we gotta measure this shit, and hey john come on its getting away, and hey john hey john hey--

DAVE: hey john   


He was nudging you in the side with his shoe.

DAVE: dude cmon   
DAVE: if youre not gonna play along with these bullshit memes you could at least talk to me   
DAVE: whatsup youre obviously not really feelin this   
JOHN: SIIIIIIIIIIIGH   


You roll over, earning a new sting on the spot on bum where you hit yourself. Dave’s silhouette is darkened by the morning blue sky, but he’s visible enough. It makes you feel bad basically immediately--he’s obviously worried. You still haven’t REALLY talked since he came out to you, you guess. And it’s obviously a big deal for him if he’s been avoiding you over it. You really need to stop lapsing into the generic mutual antagonism you remember so well, it’s just too easy.

JOHN: i’m feeling it just fine, dude.   
JOHN: it’s just hard to care that much when that sucker can’t get away, ok?  


You make your point in earnest: A whooshing, howling gust slamming miles above you into Dave’s lousy jpeg skateboard, soundly destroying it’s slow ascent, while also hopefully forever destroying Dave’s shitty old meme.

DAVE: woah holy shit   
DAVE: thats probably the coolest thing youve ever done with your powers dude  
DAVE: im DEFINITELY gonna have to make some kind of updated comic to reflect this turn of events   


Shit. You should’ve known. Well, almost half a decade is surely at least enough time to warrant UPDATING a meme, you guess. He’s walking over to it as it flounders, trying to reclaim it’s lost ground. You give it another slam and get it to bounce on the ground and make it bounce like a shitty basketball or something, and you can hear that gets a laugh out of him, he’s muttering about sports now. You float up and follow along, your arms lax under you.  
For a moment you notice he’s walking a little weirdly, but you have bigger things to worry about.

JOHN: alright dave i have to admit   
JOHN: dangerous and artifacted though it is your skateboard is pretty sweet   
JOHN: if you DO make that comic though i want my name credited, you hear me??  
DAVE: no way how can i risk exposing my true identity to my legions of adoring fans  
JOHN: :/ dave everyone but us is dead   
DAVE: sure john but what about the ghosts????  
DAVE: for shame dude how could you ever forget the ghosts, you of ALL people mr GHOSTY trickster allegedly  
DAVE: caspers fucking crying in the corner with slimer’s gross green hand papping him on the back  
JOHN: uuuuugh alright fine!!! what eveeeerrrr  
DAVE: so whats going on with roxy   
JOHN: !   
DAVE: or is it terezi thats got your jimmies in a twist  
JOHN: jeez dude talk about a change of subject!  
DAVE: yeah but  
DAVE: you said you wanted to talk to me about somethin anyway  
DAVE: and you’re obviously bent outta shape about it   
DAVE: so come on just get it out there already  
JOHN: :// dave it honestly doesnt help if you’re rushing me  
JOHN: this is kind of a big deal for me ok :(  
DAVE: alright sorry  
JOHN: thanks  
DAVE: …  
JOHN: …  
DAVE: …….  
JOHN: ………..  
DAVE: ……………..  
JOHN: ugh alright whatever  
DAVE: uh huh  
JOHN: just promise you wont laugh at me ok???   
JOHN: im like, ACTUALLY kind of insecure and worried about this and i cant really talk to anybody else about it   
DAVE: jeez what the hell did you do knock her up  
JOHN: DAVE, WHAT THE FUCK???  
DAVE: shit im sorry it just slipped out ok   
DAVE: i mean not that i’d be mad or anything if you did   
JOHN: how can you even say stuff like that???  
JOHN: aren’t you the one who keeps going on and on about how shes your mom??  
JOHN: isnt that weird??? how can you just think about that stuff so easily???????  
JOHN: aaauuugh like this isnt awkward and humiliating enough!!!! X(  
DAVE: wow you really are messed up about all this arent you  
JOHN: GEE DAVE I DUNNO, YOU TELL ME!!!   
DAVE: ok but   
DAVE: you know shes not ACTUALLY my mom right  
DAVE: like yeah its a nice thought and she doesnt mind so i call her that when i want to cause its helpful idk   
DAVE: but you thought it was cute when we talked about her and i def told you i didnt care if you started dating which i dont btw  
DAVE: but it stands to reason if im your best bro and youre going to date my mom then you know EVENTUALLY youre going to talk to me about shit going on with her  
DAVE: this was basically inevitable dude i knew that when i said it   
DAVE: maybe i should have karkat fax you over a copy of the bro contract its all in the fine print   
JOHN: ugh :( i guess i should’ve figured  
JOHN: but thats the problem i guess everything about all our relationships are just so...WEIRD  
JOHN: so...not like i imagined they’d be, i guess?   
DAVE: huh   
DAVE: what did you imagine then   
JOHN: oh i dunno...mostly a lot of childish naive bullshit, probably  
JOHN: like...about marriage, and stuff?   
DAVE: hm  
JOHN: aw jeez...im just gonna say it, ok?? just dont make fun of me.  
DAVE: alright go for it   
JOHN: ok. just also dont tell her i said any of this either, that would be so weird   
DAVE: dude, come on. bro code.  
DAVE: i’ll seriously make karkat fax you the doc i swear to god  
JOHN: what the fuck is ‘faxing’, why do you keep saying that?  
DAVE: ugh nvm  
DAVE: just get to it  
JOHN: alright fine  
JOHN: roxy...um, i mean, we were   
JOHN: yesterday things got kind of heated between us and our hands kinda got into some like  
JOHN: sensitive places…?  
DAVE: i mean, ok. congrats i guess idk why getting laid is such a source of struggle for you  
JOHN: no but that’s just it!! When she um, aw man…  
JOHN: i kind of freaked out, ok? i really didn’t feel ready for it and i felt like we were moving too quickly   
DAVE: oh ok. yall both alright though?  
JOHN: yeah. i mean, we think we are. we did finish ghost busters   
DAVE: thats not how you say that dude  
JOHN: huh??  
DAVE: what ever. continue   
JOHN: ok well  
JOHN: i dont know thats just the first time it ocurred to me that...we could do whatever we wanted?   
JOHN: like. theres no rule that says we HAVE to do things like wait until we get married, or like, making sure we’re mature and ready for that kind of thing   
JOHN: and she made it pretty clear she’s not particularly worried about it.  
JOHN: which...scared me, i guess.   
DAVE: i see  
JOHN: but now i just feel lousy! Like i failed her, somehow. And like a chickenshit :(   
DAVE: nah thats dumb  
JOHN: !   
JOHN: r-really? i kinda figured…  
DAVE: figured...?  
JOHN: well just, growing up you always seemed so confident about all that stuff   
JOHN: thats why i wanted your advice, in a way i kinda looked up to you back then i guess  
DAVE: huh really  
JOHN: yeah!   
DAVE: well sorry to dissapoint i guess  
DAVE: but that was mostly all a lot of bullshit bravado  
DAVE: that shit is messy and complicated and i didnt even figure it out that recently   
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: kind of REALLY recently if im gonna be honest   
DAVE: like...couple days ago recently   
JOHN: :O  
DAVE: shit you probably didnt wanna hear that  
DAVE: sorry   
JOHN: no it’s cool! its fine, you mean with karkat right?   
DAVE: ummm yeah   
JOHN: alright lets...get that out of the way first, you really dont need to worry so much!  
JOHN: like yeah it was a surprise...like, a BIG surprise  
JOHN: like...jeez, Karkat :o   
DAVE: ….  
JOHN: but it’s not like it bugs me! if it makes you happy thats good enough for me  
JOHN: i just dont know why you have to be all secretive and coy about it with me :/  
JOHN: like jeez dude what are you so afraid of?  
DAVE: do you actually want to know  
JOHN: um. Yeah  
DAVE: are you sure  
JOHN: yes? i guess?  
DAVE: like youre sure even if it involves important parts of our friendship its not gonna make it weird  
JOHN: :/ dave, this conversation started because i couldnt be intimate with your biological mom from an alternate universe  
JOHN: who i probably first met the same time i met you as a baby, because you were both babies, and i made you which i guess ALSO makes me her AND your dad in a weird way  
JOHN: absolutely everything about our lives is completely fucked and permanently weird  
DAVE: heh  
DAVE: ok but im gonna remember that next time you get unreasonably weird about keeping your relationship antics out of my bro jurisdiction under weird biomom clauses   
JOHN: fuck. fine, what ever, it’s the truth anyway.   
DAVE: you were p much the only other dude in my life besides my bro   
DAVE: and i had a lot of weird ideas about myself back then like we talked about before  
DAVE: about like, sex, and romance, and what dudes were supposed to be like  
DAVE: you knew that much tho  
DAVE: the bottom line is,  
DAVE: your opinion is really important to me, i guess.   
DAVE: and you’re ALSO the only guy left who grew up with the same standards i judged myself by   
DAVE: i was scared i wouldnt measure up anymore because id gotten so different  
DAVE: not that i WANTED to or that i really thought youd be a jerk about it   
DAVE: but it was some serious shit for me.   
DAVE: it still is i guess, im kind of worked up even just telling you this even though i know everythings fine  
DAVE: and even if you say it i still worry ill push it too far or something  
DAVE: like talk about my stuff with karkat too much and weird you out or make you uncomfortable  
DAVE: i just didnt want to make things more complicated than they had to be   
DAVE: especially once davepeta came around and let the cat out of the bag re: you and me  
DAVE: stfu pun not intended  
JOHN: hehe  
DAVE: so yeah thats it basically  
JOHN: ok...i get it, i think? im sorry, for whatever thats worth, i probably shouldve tried harder to let you know i was fine with it   
DAVE: its fine, you were just trying to do right by me your own way after all  
JOHN: yeah ok.   
JOHN: i hope you dont mind if i ask but…  
JOHN: that was serious, then? you really felt that way about me?   
DAVE: w-  
DAVE: you mean you couldnt tell??  
JOHN: i mean not until just now, no!! i couldnt make heads or tails of the davepeta thing  
DAVE: god  
DAVE: DAMNIT  
JOHN: haha its ok though!! i dont mind really   
JOHN: i just...didnt have a clue :o i’m curious   
JOHN: come to think of it karkat ALSO had a crush on me i was totally oblivious to…  
JOHN: maybe i’m just kind of a dunce when it comes to romance??  
DAVE: youre pretty much a dunce when it comes to most things  
JOHN: hey!!  
DAVE: lmao. but really, youre not dumb for not picking up on that  
DAVE: i was just as into jade as i was into you i think  
DAVE: mostly i just liked anybody who felt different from the hellhole i was living in  
DAVE: and talking to you two was so nice and chill and easy  
DAVE: nothing like…  
JOHN: ?  
DAVE: i actually dont wanna talk about that right now   
DAVE: maybe later sometime since i know now you’ll never stop hounding me  
DAVE: anyway you were just like, a cool friend  
DAVE: and you genuinely seemed to enjoy talking to me even if you were kind of sarcastic and irate about it it was so see through   
DAVE: that was important to me   
DAVE: i didnt really think about it romantically i didnt realize that was how i felt until way later on the meteor  
DAVE: around when me and karkat started becoming friends actually?  
JOHN: hm   
DAVE: this is kinda why i said it was dumb to feel like a coward over stuff like this  
DAVE: the truth is getting vulnerable like that is fucking scary   
DAVE: maybe way scarier than being doomed or dying honestly  
DAVE: at least you can just accept shit like that  
DAVE: where opening up to someone kind of inherently includes totally ignoring the possibility they could HURT you  
DAVE: or that you could hurt them   
DAVE: its a big deal and youre right to take it seriously   
JOHN: woah   
JOHN: i wonder if doing the troll romance thing always makes you that smart or if maybe you really do have a brain in there >:P  
DAVE: oof ok i deserved that one for earlier  
JOHN: thanks though. i don’t know what i was expecting to hear from you, but that wasn’t it. but...it helps  
JOHN: so...what do you think i should do?   
DAVE: what do you wanna do   
JOHN: uh...i’m not sure, to be honest.   
JOHN: i keep getting hung up on the marriage thing but,  
JOHN: we’re all so young, and also immortal. getting married now seems just as stupid and risky? not to mention ridiculous   
DAVE: eh it doesnt have to be if you want it to  
DAVE: im sure most of us would play along at least for the novelty  
JOHN: yeah but it should be a bigger deal than that!!  
JOHN: it would have to feel like, REAL, to mean anything. And we’d have to like, actually be in love i think???  
JOHN: i like her a lot but i dont know if i feel that way yet...  
DAVE: so why not just tell her you dont want to do that kind of thing right now   
JOHN: um...well, it’s,   
JOHN: not that simple?   
JOHN: i’m not saying i DONT want to...i just…  
JOHN: how do i know if im ready?   
DAVE: hm.   
JOHN: hm is basically how i feel also  
JOHN: …  
JOHN: um…  
JOHN: if you dont mind me asking, uh…  
DAVE: ???  
JOHN: how was it--  
JOHN: what was it like with you and karkat?   
DAVE: !  
JOHN: pfff oh my god dude  
JOHN: i can take it back if you want how do you even TURN that shade of red   
DAVE: fffucking, shut up egbert   
DAVE: no its fine just, give me a minute  
JOHN: rose is definitely gonna hear about this heheheheh  
DAVE: no i swear to god ill tell roxy everything if you do   
JOHN: dammit. fine, our mutually assured lalonde destruction means we have to call it a tie   
JOHN: i’ll own you some other way later :B  
DAVE: do you want to hear this awkward shit or not  
JOHN: yeah  
DAVE: ugh. here goes…  
DAVE: things got started really slowly between us  
DAVE: the girls all paired off so we were left mostly with just the two of us and the beautiful perfect mayor  
JOHN: god the mayor is so cute :)  
DAVE: i know hes the best and i love him  
JOHN: i think we all do   
DAVE: anyway just us and the mayor   
DAVE: about like, a year in, gamzee diamonds broke up with him   
DAVE: he was really bummed and sad about that and i helped him through it i guess  
DAVE: which was when i started to realize...i had feelings about him?  
DAVE: like more than looking out for your bro feelings   
DAVE: like, jealousy for example  
DAVE: and a lot of anger i may have tried to go juggalo hunting a couple times  
DAVE: never found him tho  
DAVE: but mostly it just hurt a lot more intensely than i expected  
DAVE: seeing him sad and lonely and empty like that  
DAVE: it made me...wish i could be there for him like that  
DAVE: be that important to him. fill in those pieces   
DAVE: and then it just started...happening that way   
DAVE: he started telling me stuff about what it was like living on alternia   
DAVE: the feeling wrong about yourself, being scared all the time, knowing danger could show up any moment   
DAVE: it made me realize he grew up a lot like me   
JOHN: um, what???  
DAVE: stfu some other time i said   
DAVE: anyway i think we kind of just stumbled onto pale territory from his perspective  
DAVE: but minus the physicality of it   
JOHN: wait, hold on. pale is the...like, diamonds thing, right?   
JOHN: the like, best friends kinda thing?  
DAVE: yeah but its more physical than the way we think of it  
DAVE: not romantic exactly but theres a lot of cuddling and comforting touching and stuff   
DAVE: but like i said we didnt do any of that  
DAVE: the closer we got in that sense the more worked up i got about those ideas i mentioned  
DAVE: the kind of guy i was supposed to be and the kinds of things i needed to be doing  
DAVE: i got really confused and messed up and then he helped ME through THAT   
DAVE: it helped a lot because he would hear all my weird messed up logic and then just  
DAVE: tear the fuck INTO them   
DAVE: did you know trolls were matriarchal? It made no sense to him that girls should be protected or more passive  
DAVE: all the girls he knew were warriors and killers   
DAVE: it didnt make sense to him that wanting to kiss a dude would make you less of a dude either  
DAVE: and he would just rip all that shit apart mercilessly   
DAVE: it was really intense for a while but it just made me really see things differently  
DAVE: and the more i saw the angrier i got  
DAVE: that i had felt so bad about myself and ignored shit for so long based on some trumped up garbage  
DAVE: its fucked up to say it but   
DAVE: it made me kind of glad for sburb actually  
DAVE: it made me glad the meteors came and crushed all that shit into the garbage it was already   
JOHN: dave, jeez…  
DAVE: i know and sorry, i know thats shitty   
DAVE: but its how i felt at the time  
DAVE: so i just said...fuck it. I told karkat he was right, and i’d been lying to him  
DAVE: and i told him what i actually wanted   
DAVE: it was slow and weird and awkward trying to date though  
DAVE: i still kind of hated myself and well, you know karkat  
JOHN: yeah :/  
DAVE: but we tried and made progress   
DAVE: we ended up being more flushed because it was what i wanted  
DAVE: but we kept doing all the talking and stuff that he thought of more as moirail things  
DAVE: which ended up fucking with HIS head alot  
DAVE: we had a head start because we’d already gotten practice destroying the values of a society   
DAVE: but basically then it was my turn   
DAVE: i would basically just turn his own words back at him, shoot back against the way troll society HAD to be with the ways humans could just kind of do whatever  
DAVE: and basically now we’re just more or less in the red and pale quadrants simultaneously  
DAVE: which is to say: we’re regular fucking human boyfriends i guess   
DAVE: but its apparently a really big deal to him so   
DAVE: terezi and kanaya know he told them eventually but none of us humans would really give a shit   
DAVE: but maaaybe i should tell him i told you im not sure if hed be pissed at me  
DAVE: anyway we tried doing sexual stuff sometimes  
DAVE: but it was really hard   
DAVE: more on my end than his but on both of them  
DAVE: i kept having to fight all that gross shit in my head about being in control and unflappable  
DAVE: and he just plain old couldnt believe it was happening, that i liked him that way, or even what way to think about me  
DAVE: there were lots of false starts  
DAVE: where maybe some hand snuck in somewhere it shoudnt and suddenly it was game over for half a week while one or both of us had a freak out   
DAVE: rose got sick of it pretty quick and started digging into me more  
DAVE: which for a single time in her life was actually helpful and not just mean not that ill ever admit it   
DAVE: but between everything it still took like half a year before we were really comfortable doing even baby shit like handjobs or cuddling   
DAVE: when i went to davepetas club it kind of blew our minds though and changed everything   
DAVE: i figure we wouldve opened up that much eventually but   
DAVE: im glad it didnt have to wait any longer honestly im pretty happy about it  
DAVE: i feel so...fuck. i feel so   


Holy shit. His voice cracks and his finger hides behind his glasses--Dave is crying. Right in front of you, even if he’s trying to turn away. You’d never even imagined Dave as a person who might cry sometimes, or be really phased about things. You float down next to him and wrap your arm around his shoulders. When had you started idealizing him so much?  
It makes you a little sad that the answer is probably the moment you first became friends.

JOHN: shit, dude...i really had no idea most of this was going on in your head  
JOHN: um, it’s ok to cry if you want, i wont think any less of you for it.  
DAVE: lmao thanks john, i’m just…*sniff*  
DAVE: christ this is embarassing, last couple days were just kind of  
DAVE: this whole fucking EXPERIENCE you know?  
DAVE: im still a little raw i guess   
JOHN: but...it sounds like you and karkat are really good for each other.  
JOHN: i’m glad you’re together :)   
DAVE: haha. me too   
DAVE: but anyway thats how dumb it is to worry that youre wrong for not wanting to bang or get married or thinking you shouldnt do whatever imo  
DAVE: just do what makes you both happy and what feels right to you  
DAVE: nothing else earth taught us is really worth shit  
JOHN: that’s…probably really good advice, to be honest  
JOHN: thanks dude :)  
JOHN: you really are my coolest bro  
DAVE: heheh. thanks.   


You spend most of the rest of the day just fucking around, talking about whatever. What Dirk is like (pretty cool!), how hot Jane is (ugh). Dave’s old crushes on you and Jade.  
Your non-thing with Terezi, complicated as much by your discomfort as her bizarrely inconsistent interest. Eventually, when the sky is starting to turn gold-orange, you split up. Understanding Dave so much better fills your heart, but your mind is on Roxy now. 

What DO you want to do? You’re honestly still not sure about it. 

You think back to the moment when the panic hit you. To be honest, you’d liked the feeling of her grip. What had been scary was the feeling that it was all leading somewhere, that it was definitely going to end with...well, with the kind of thing you do after marriage, you suppose. But maybe it didn’t have to be that way. It probably didn’t? Maybe it could just be a thing you talk about and take a step at a time, another way of getting to know each other?

 

Somehow thinking of it that way makes you flustered, but excited. There’s a metal feeling in your gut that’s much more hesitant thrill than fear. Maybe it could work that way. Maybe that’d be fine. Not right away, probably. But whenever the mood struck you again?  
You think that sounds neat. Cool. Hot, even. Flying through the rapidly darkening sky, you take out your phone, ready to text Roxy. 

As it turns out, there’s a message waiting for you.


	11. Welcome To The New Extreme

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirkjake, NSFW, 
> 
> Thanks to hex for betaing as usual cause hes the best :B

Your island feels a little weird now, without the monsters chirring and grumbling and hissing. It made it feel a little less familiar but a lot more comfortable, and that at least was one trade off you could live with. You walk through the underbrush, overgrown trees hiding you and the sky from one another. It’s late afternoon in can town, but here it’s deep night. The distant gleam of your orb twinkles, tinted dark blue and moonlit. 

You take your time walking there, lax hands swinging leisurely by your pistol handles. On a whim you change into one of your expedition outfits--alone in the rustle and crackle of the jungle, you feel collected and sexy, undauntable. The night air feels nice against your tight grey suit, your bare legs.

You’re already starting to feel better. The quiet and still of the island is soothing your nerves, worked into a frenzy by the last few days of activity--helping Jade and Roxy with engineering for two days straight, working out all sorts of infernal skaian gizmos. Preparing for your latest date/job with Dirk (in turn, with help from them). The danger and teamwork and discovery of the outing. And then Dirk saying _It helped me sleep to think of you_ and something in you breaking loose, opportunistic and hungry, at the raw honest thought of being needed like that…

Your face flares up at that, so much you think your glasses might be fogging. Either way it alerts you to the fact that they’re awfully dirty. You curse under your breath and bring out a kerchief to clean them off with. You’re awful at this upkeep stuff--nothing like Jane or Dirk, who never look anything but immaculate. Just another little way you’re not good enough.

 _That was a petty thought_ , you answer yourself. You crumple it up and toss it overhead. You’re getting better at doing that, lately. For a while it used to be thoughts like that were constant, a constant shooting gallery against yourself. Some words from your friends oft provided ammo.  
_(And right now I’m using them to FEEL like you’re kind of an asshole.)  
(In truth I detest you,)  
(Stand up like a man, and punch her in the face or something)  
(What kind of man are you?)_

But those were less powerful now, tempered by apologies and time and a mutual understanding of extenuating factors. Nowadays you were quite good at ignoring them. They got louder after days like these, busy and hectic and full of people to handle--but they were loud whispers, maybe, not the hearty shouts that had almost consumed you during the session. 

The island smothered them in silence and tranquility, a gentle relief. Thank all gracious gollies to Dirk for getting the transportalizer, you think. Thank Dirk for a lot of things, actually--a little guilty thought at the image of him waving, understanding better now but still sorry, you knew, to watch you leave. You push that thought away too, tell yourself it’s ok, he gets it, and you’re not being mean. It works, and you wonder if that means you’re getting better. You hope so.

 _Thank Dirk for a lot of things_ , you think again-- the feeling of his skin under your grip lingering. Your stomach twists and tightens. You’d done lots of things with Dirk before last night, progressively escalating escapades of carnal desire. But never anything like that. And it had been so sudden. Just weeks ago one of you or the other would have stopped that, broken things off when the making out got too intense. More likely him than you, to be honest. 

But one awkward confession from him and one of yours had broken that boundary and then some. For a few hours you’d forgotten how to think, how to fear, how to consider consequence. You’d turned ravenous and beastlike on him and you weren’t sure if he let you go as far as you did out of desire or deference. He said he loved it, he certainly acted the part--but still, the voices howled a little. 

So weird to think about. You used your hope powers, you think? You must have. You only realized in the morning, when you both woke up in your bed, that you’d teleported across the planet without using the transportalizer. That, and you’d made doubles of yourself--you remember the impossible twin spikes of pleasure, like holding the two best fantasies you could dream up in your mind with ridiculous vividness. Your cock down his throat, his rising up yours. Your hands feeling him in every conceivable location, seemingly at once. Another you, simultaneously digging through cabinets for lube swore you had hidden, eyes half lingering on the view. 

Kind of an irresponsible first use of your powers, right? Shouldn’t you be using them for something more...heroic? Laudable? Well, any chance for you to emerge as a heroic figure had flown the coop by now, you suppose. And anyway, it HAD been right spectacular. For you, at least. You couldn’t help but worry. You’d found him surprisingly loose, pleased and compliant. Or maybe you’d simply been too rough? You asked, though, and the fella had damn near begged you--

He was rubbing off on you. Had you thinking too darn much, the bugger. You wish you could ask him, but the thought of inviting a whole long conversation right now makes you feel depleted all over again. Later, then. 

Oh. You’re home already. You walk inside and something in you loosens immediately. Finally, you can rest. Finally, you can think. Except the first thing you do is neither of those, you wander to your bed and immediately notice. 

It smells like him there, in your sheets. You left all the openings closed out of habit, and you guess two warm bodies tossing and turning and cuddling is different from a boy by his lonesome having a wank, because even a full day later it still smells strongly like sweat and semen. Not at all unpleasant, just… real. Persisting. That all really happened, didn’t it?

Last night, Jake English had grown demanding and ravenous. Dirk Strider had melted under him like butter, laid bare like the female lead in a movie ready to be ravished. You thought of that one sexy scene from Underworld where the handsome werewolf guy finally made love with his pale vampire girlfriend and she bit him, bloody and sensual. Hot, but distant.  
A pretend sort of intimacy. Dirk would have made fun. 

 

There had been nothing pretend about yesterday, but that is how it feels now. You try to imagine it, try to remember it with vividness, but it feels foggy. You try to chase the sensations: Dirk’s throat, slick and sucking. Your balls brushing his forehead awkwardly. His rough hands, clawing deep into you wherever they found purchase. His abs chiseled with muscle, an olympic dream. He would use a more obscure and hipstery greek term of course, Achillean or something dumb like that. Made no difference to you then. Your hands just gripped and squeezed and held him there, caressed and explored and pleasured, satisfied a hundred curiosities at once. 

And then, of course, you had penetrated him. 

You try to force yourself to be aware of that, viscerally. Try to combine the memory of the feeling of Dirk--loud and pleading, tight and hot like a furnace, wet and sticky, the friction of sliding in and out--with the ramifications. That on a night like tonight, just yesterday, he’d let you pop his cherry so to speak. 

Jake English. Official Non-virgin. You turn the words over in your head like they may be the key to this puzzle. Dirk's jizz on your chest hair--life giving fluid, secret and intimate. Yours now. Dirk's legs bent open, receiving and willing, completely shaven. Yours now. Or shared, at least, on both counts.  
You ponder how it bothers you that he never lets his body hair grow out, just a sparse bit of forest nestled around his torso, pubes and chest. No hair on his arms or legs to speak of whatsoever. It’s just another way you feel you don't put enough effort in--and damnit, you like the thought of guys with some hair on them, alright?  
You wonder if it bothers him, the hair on you.  
Maybe you should ask?

A frustrated sigh. Shouldn't you feel different now? More...adult, more capable? Some part of you grown up completely, changed irrevocably. You try to make it all real in your head again but it stubbornly remains foggy and dreamlike.

Oh well. You still have a pretty hard boner. 

You give another sigh and undo your pants, lose them to your ankles and drop down onto your bedside, let yourself fall over onto the blankets where he laid yesterday. It smells strongly of him here. You say a little prayer brain ghost Dirk doesn't show up--if you wanted to have sex again, you would just invite the damn guy over. 

A few squirts of lube are all you need and you’re working yourself up and over, open and closed, your foreskin spread thin and tight with the aching bigness of this one. You stare at yourself, try to unite the thoughts of the thing in your hand and the thing in Dirk's ass, a hammer that finally broke open his stoic facade completely. A syringe with which you injected him. A weapon of invasion. You wonder why you never realized before--guns are awfully phallic.

 

The thoughts don’t mesh or coalesce together. Shouldn’t you feel born anew? Shouldn’t the world be brighter and shining? Maybe the fact that you don’t feel that much different, that you don’t feel whole after all of that, means definitely that you’re broken.  
Probably though this is just what growing up is, you suspect. 

Your hand is nice and rough and tight, it’s relaxing and pleasing to keep Dirk like this, in your thoughts. Shouting and panting under the impact of you rolling in and out of him. Squirming and desperate, a thorough hot mess. Your question, posed shyly. You’d been sure he’d say no. You were sure he’d say stop, slow down, we aren’t ready. Dirk always knew to be the voice of self-control. He didn’t. He’d looked shocked with disbelief, but only for a second.  
And then like nothing he had given you permission. Fuck, Yes!

Had you ever heard Dirk sound that impassioned by anything but anger? Even when he was confessing or flirting or courting he’d always kept that same focused air, that same unbreachable air of cool, a metallic sort of distance, a manufactured independence. It only ever faltered when he broke entirely. And you loved that Dirk--the ubermensch superman. Even when he was a little mean or haughty. He made you feel safe and cared for, he was a hammock of steel protection, a place where you could rest. 

You loved the other Dirk, too. The raw red beneath the mask, the fury and the loneliness and the vicious love. The one who couldn’t stop himself from talking just to drown out the silence, the one who always seemed sorry watching you leave. The one who fought and failed to beat the instinct to send you a message, two messages, ten, a million. You were always sorry to hurt him but it was nice to feel like he cared--to look under the veil, so to speak. 

But last night he’d been neither of those Dirks. Or both, some newly surfaced middle ground. This new Dirk had been emerging slowly, with great effort, and yesterday it seemed like he had surfaced entirely, dominated the others at last in frequency. Last night was Dirk with a little smile admitting it eased him to think of you. Last night was Dirk comfortable and accommodating. Last night was Dirk wanting-- not unshakeable and and demanding, he would yield space if you needed it. But still, his want of you was just a simple fact of him, encouraging you into him. 

The pleasure rises and mounts. Mounts like a hill, like the crest and curves of Dirk’s thighs and crotch, like the sparse brush of fur nestled in his crotch and up his stomach, the mountains of his nether regions. Breathtaking. Frustrating. Validating, his satisfied smile when you slipped inside him. His enduring grin, gritting his teeth as you took him, stroked him, clumsily slammed yourself in and out of him. Did it feel good? Had you hurt him? 

You wish you’d done more than ask that first time but whatever the case he never stopped you, never raised a protest. Just whined and moaned and remained stubbornly vulnerable, persistently trusting, like he wanted you, like he needed this.

That thought undoes you--the idea that Dirk could want you, that you had something to offer, banished the voices of disappointment and disgust entirely, for a moment. Your jizz ropes over you, hot and sticky, probably staining your nice grey suit but whatever, if it doesn’t come out you’ll just make a new one. 

You lay there, satisfied and calmer. Finally take your tux off and toss it into the corner, but just to lay there contended, wet and messy and smelling him. It was nice, getting to loiter in the climax for as long as you wished. 

That had been another annoying thing. Dirk had been content to lay in the afterglow for an hour or so, but eventually he’d grown fastidious about the cleanliness factor. He’d brought out tissues and made you clean the jizz out of your chest and off your cock, not to mention secluded himself in the bathroom for a Full!! Twenty!! Minutes!! Before FINALLY deigning to indulge your bored, lonesome self with his freshened presence. 

It was kind of hot, thinking of Dirk naked in your bathroom, but seriously? It’s not like it was dirty or shameful, you didn’t see what all the fuss and rush had to be about. You quite liked the mess, if you were honest--and you’d already used your powers to clean up most of it to start with. Taught you good for aiming for the middle ground, huh? 

You sigh. Maybe another thing to talk about? You have it in you to think he’d mind, but you also think you may be able to convince him, and you don’t know how to process this...sex...thing as something so conversational and transactional. Mutual. Like an intimate game played together. That WAS all it was, you suppose. 

In a sudden fit, you gather the blankets into your face. Dirk swells your world in scents now familiar to you. You remember when he was nothing but orange text and the occasional picture, just words on a screen. 

One of the strangest things about Dirk in the flesh, once you’d finally met him:  
Sex veritably poured out of the pores of him. He thought about it constantly, on some level--direct, ironic, subconscious, levels lower after that. It didn’t come through in his writing at all, but it was so clear sitting in his room and seeing puppets assorted in different configurations, in the tight way he stood or laid or sat anywhere, it was woven like threads through every spoken word of his philosophical treatises. 

Strange. To think so much and never speak about it. But you think now perhaps you weren’t much better--not hiding what you wanted exactly, but not knowing how to think about it. This is one of the very few times you manage to see Dirk as a peer, as a boy around your age who is as confused and stumbling as you are in all of this. It was so much easier to think of him as a knight, a prince charming who knew all the right moves and wanted to lead. 

But this is more satisfying, or at least it might be. You think maybe it’s alright if you haven’t figured it out just yet, if it doesn’t feel normal or right right away. You wonder what Dirk thinks of all of this, and there’s a little thrill in your heart at the idea of finding out. You doze off thinking about it, wander into a reverie for almost an hour. 

You wake up feeling more stable, but drowsy. Your phone is blinking--you don’t even worry it’s Dirk, he knows better by now, so who? Curiosity pricks but getting up reminds you your own prick is out and dangling. Your jizz is dry and crusty on the places where it landed on you. 

You get up and rub at your eyes, shake out of your shorts and boxers the rest of the way.  
A shower sounds nice. You pick up your phone and take it with you--gotta love these waterproof alchemy enhancements. Gotta love alchemy in general, to be candid about it.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] --  
GG: hi jake!  
GT: Oh hey jade whats goin on in your neck of the woods?  
GT: Surely you’re all up to your necks in some rabble rousing i’ll bet!  
GG: hehehehe, well i dunno about that  
GG: i was actually messaging you for a reason!  
GT: Oh?   
GG: i think i located a cache of some sorts through the empress’ records  
GG: we’re really so lucky terezi got us to search derse for her stuff, without all this intel i dont know where we’d be!!!  
GG: anyway this seems to be a location she raided long ago, a resistance outpost where genetic samples were collected and stored for safekeeping, maybe for repopulation efforts???   
GT: Golly gee! Jade that sounds incredible!   
GG: i know!!! i told rose about it but she was all distracted, she didn’t really seem eager to look into it :/   
GG: i was hoping you would be! probably most of that stuff is trashed but who knows what could be in there   
GG: i think there were even indications grown-up dave and rose were there so im sure roxy and dirk would check it out, and i sure want to come!!!  
GG: what do you say jake are you ready for ADVENTURE???? :D  
GT: Billies on crackers jade you know i do!   
GG: ….billies?  
GT: Although….did you mean right now?   
GG: oh! not really, that would be kind of short notice after all. if you want to though...  
GT: No thats quite alright, to be honest i am pretty caught up in myself right now so it is probably best to hold off a tad, as terribly impatient as it makes me  
GG: haha, ok. i’ll let them know and we can make a day of it sometime :) it would be nice to get to know dirk better!  
GT: You’re damn right it it would be, he’s quite the treat!  
GG: ooooh a treat huh? sounds scrumptious and tempting hehehehe >:B  
GG: what way did you mean that hmmmmm grandpa????  
GT: WOAH NOW jade be careful!!!  
GT: It’s hot and stuffy in this island if you tease me too much i’ll liable to catch a case of the vapors.  
GG: haha, sorry! i didnt know you were sensitive to heat stroke…  
GG: that IS what the refrance, right?  
GT: the whutzat???  
GG: the reference. nevermind, i forget we’re not all caught up on dave’s latest comics :P  
GT: No no i am well acquainted with the mans work as if strider would ever let me miss one  
GT: I have no idea what heat stroke is though  
GG: oh  
GT: I just meant i was already thinking about things along those lines to be honest  
GT: And um not that im upset but id prefer not to jest about it just now if thats alright!  
GG: oh woops im sorry!!! :c  
GG: is...everything alright? There’s not more drama going on with you guys right???  
GT: Haha no everything is peachy actually. There’s just...stuff going on.  
GG: mmhhhmm….. /eyes suspiciously  
GG: you know jake a dog girl can sniff out drama like nobodies business  
GG: and i’d really prefer not to have to sniff it out before it starts reeking!!  
GG: are you SUUURE everythings alright?  
GT: Look jade i can understand your suspicion, things were pretty rocky for a while on my end and you and jane took the brunt of it   
GT: But everything's shipshape and sailing on my end right now, alright??  
GT: Its just theres some things a gent of discretion has to play close to the vest sometimes  
GT: And... certainly when talking to his biological daughter/alt-universe grandma  
GT: Could you please just let me off the hook on this one? *wipes at brow nervously*  
GG: um….wow yikes ok this suddenly sounds like pretty weird territory o_o;;  
GG: i think i’ll take you up on that!  
GT: Phew! Thank you jade you’re a merciful angel as usual  
GG: heheh :)  
GT: But um...hey, while i’ve got your ear i guess…  
GG: oh boy. i knew it   
GG: what’s he doing now just tell me :/  
GT: N-no! This has nothing to do with dirk, i promise.  
GG: oh reaaaalllyyy?   
GT: Really! Cross my heart and hope to die, i swear it.   
GG: alriiiiight, sorry for being rude and assuming things, then  
GG: what is it?  
GT: Well, really it’s just...hm, how to phrase it.  
GT: Has...how is jane doing? Do you know?   
GT: You two seem to spend a lot of time together lately so i thought i would ask   
GG: umm, i mean...jane’s good?   
GG: you two hang out pretty often though, so i’m not sure why you’d come to me ?:o  
GT: Ah, i mean...yes, that’s true enough i suppose. (cute smiley by the way)  
GG: (isn’t it??? terezi rubbed it off on me she is weirdly infectious)  
GT: (heheh)  
GT: I suppose its that we are friends but aren’t as close anymore, and  
GT: I’m working up the nerve to try to bridge that distance?  
GG: hmm...sounds complicated :o  
GT: No kidding!  
GT: How much...do you know about how our session went?   
GT: Not me and dirk specifically, i just mean  
GT: Did she ever talk about how she felt about all that?   
GG: umm wow, i mean...yes she’s told me some stuff.   
GG: and probably not as bad as you think?   
GG: But to be honest i think you should talk to HER about all that   
GG: im pretty sure she’d love to talk to you seriously about it!  
GG: but i dont feel comfortable sharing any more than that, sorry jake  
GT: Sigh. No, you’re right of course, this is just me procrastinating again.   
GT: It’s all just such a tangle! Her feelings, mine, ways i acted like an ass, things she said as a mind-controlled super robot…  
GT: I just never know where to start when i try to think about it.   
GG: ...yeah. i mean, i know the feeling.  
GT: You do???  
GG: well…...yes :x i dont know if i really want to make you listen to all that though  
GT: No please do!!! You always hear me out on everything jade even when i dont deserve it  
GT: And i know precious little about what your game experience was like!   
GT: I’ve always been so curious   
GG: haha. well...i guess its part of the reason i dont think im the best person to talk to   
GG: about your issues with jane i mean. im kind of doing the same thing myself is all  
GT: Huh. Really? With whom?  
GG: well...this doesnt leave this log, right?  
GT: Scout’s honor, jade! Perish the thought.   
GG: ha well alright i suppose  
GG: mostly its just stuff with dave...and rose. ill tell you about her first.  
GT: I’m so far up the edge of my seat here i worry i may be tipping!  
GG: im not sure how much you know about our session, but  
GG: things between me and rose got a little strained during it  
GG: we were always still friends! it wasnt like a falling out or anything  
GG: but she put a lot of trust in the horrorterrors, and i put a lot of mine in skaia  
GG: more than that she mistrusted the game itself, she was so ANGRY about everything  
GG: in a way i mostly didnt know how to react to?  
GG: and it was just so chaotic and everything happened so fast…  
GT: That much i’ve heard. 24 hours! Blimey you lot must have been really incredible  
GG: i dont know if i’d put it like that…  
GG: we were mostly just panicking! Playing along with time loops, finding anything to exploit as a safety net…  
GG: it really came down to the wire for us, we didnt have a second to waste before we left  
GG: but even though we didnt have to leave much behind…  
GG: it did mean that me and the two of them split up, and it took three years before we saw each other again  
GG: and the feelings between me and rose were so unimportant in the face of both of us trying to do our best to keep everything together  
GG: and it was such a long time before we could even address them  
GG: and we were both so different by the time the opportunity presented itself,  
GG: that i just couldnt really think of those things as important?  
GG: i never ended up saying that i thought she was right about some stuff, or that i was proud of her,   
GG: or that i was sorry for being a skeptic about her approach even if it was dangerous  
GG: it didnt seem like she needed to hear anything from me, you know?   
GG: she seems so happy and confident, with a beautiful vampire girlfriend :O  
GG: but that doesnt change the fact that its where we let off.  
GT: Hm...yeah :(  
GG: and well. then john and davesprite died.  
GG: things got a lot worse after that. and i thought a lot about rose and dave to pass the time  
GG: remembering the dynamics of our friendships? As something to look forward to.  
GG: even after i found out john would be fine i didnt think about him as much--it hurt too much.  
GG: and with dave it hurt too since he was so similar to davesprite  
GG: but with rose it was ok, just something to look forward to!!  
GG: i liked remembering us trading drawings or talking about silly stuff or her probing questions about my visions   
GG: but then we got here and won the session and it turned out everything about both of us was...pretty different  
GT: ;______; Golly, jade… a yarn like this is fit to cry a bloke into drowning himself  
GG: ah jeez im sorry!! I can stop if you want   
GT: Absolutely not! A proper story HAS to finish. And this is some heavy shit to be honest  
GT: It really seems like you should’ve gotten it off your chest a lot sooner!  
GG: and its pretty awkward dancing around all those expectations and feelings i had with her  
GG: especially since...i didnt know she liked girls back then?  
GG: so when i found out about her and kanaya, it made me wonder…  
GG: um. actually nevermind about that part.  
GT: :O8?????????  
GG: i said nevermind!!!!  
GG: on to dave i guess--wait, whats with the eight???  
GT: Its my bowtie!! I was wearing it today hehe  
GT: I think you’ve been making me a little more adventurous with the smileys :B8  
GG: hehehehe thats so cute!! maybe i can show off a new accessory too… ∑:O  
GT: Flaming blue blazes jade thats flippin adorable!!! I love your doggy ears :D8  
GG: heheheh yes i agree! ∑:B i’m glad this conversation is adding so much to both of our style repertoires  
GT: Me too but i think we are getting distracted  
GG: oh yeah woops!!  
GT: I’m glad talking about this hasnt put too big a damper on your mood to jest a bit though  
GG: nah this is mostly old news…  
GG: dave is mostly the same as rose. less contentious, but more intense  
GG: the last time i saw him before we all met up…  
GG: he was dead.  
GT: Oh no…  
GG: in a way i killed him, in fact. our jack--the doggy one-- redirected my bullets and dave got caught in the spray ):  
GG: but it was like...that was forever ago! It felt so weird to apologize to him for that  
GG: especially since i’m pretty sure he KNEW it would happen >_>;; and i’m still kind of mad at him for that  
GG: but the point is, it’s ancient history, and i really just wanted to put it behind me and be friends again.  
GG: and maybe...more than friends?  
GT: !  
GG: i dunno, it’s complicated. i dont really know if i feel that way exactly   
GG: im not sure how he felt i never asked  
GG: but i used to think we had kind of a...special relationship?  
GG: i almost tried to see where things went with davesprite  
GG: but then…...yeah.  
GT: :(8  
GG: and then when we finally met up again….  
GG: he was with karkat O:  
GG: and dont get me wrong! im not upset about it   
GG: they’re super cute and dave seems a lot happier than i remember him being, when we were little  
GG: its just another thing that makes it awkward to pick things back up is all  
GG: like i wouldnt want karkat to think im...jealous, or intruding really?  
GG: or dave to think i see him that way necessarily  
GG: but now its just something we dont really talk about, but i cant help but think its important to  
GG: like if we cant maybe it means we arent as close friends as i thought you know?  
GT: Like a bullseye, jade--i know the feeling too well.   
GG: yeah.   
GG: so thats...that stuff. but really its not THAT bad  
GG: i guess i do know some stuff. According to davepeta we dated in johns timelines  
GG: me and davesprite, so A dave was interested i mean  
GG: and also...they kissed me ∑:o  
GT: Oh golly! That sounds exciting   
GG: it was, it was nice. i’m pretty glad davepeta moved closer again.  
GG: even if they are acting kind of aloof and mysterious lately  
GG: but it’s not like they’re dave, you know? They’re someone else entirely  
GG: and i just wish i could talk to the guy i grew up with about it  
GT: Jeez jade i had no idea… you all seem so close and chummy all the time!  
GT: I guess friendships can get complicated no matter how cool you are  
GG: you said it. but in a way i think its kind of sweet, don’t you?  
GT: Um...i cant really say so, to be fully transparent.  
GG: i mean, think about it. why does it all get so complicated in the first place?  
GG: its just that everyone cares so much, when you get right down to it  
GG: you care about people so much you might want certain things from them…  
GG: but you also care enough to not want to hurt them and worry about doing so  
GG: and in the end all that caring kind of stops you from doing anything at all  
GG: even when you ought to  
GG: i think thats better than the alternative, even if its more difficult  
GG: at least it is for me  
GT: Gosh jade...you’re really smart. I mean i already knew that but wowza  
GT: You’re absolutely right!!! Suddenly i am feeling much better about this stuff  
GT: And i am feeling like i understand you better, too. Thanks for sharing all of that  
GG: oh not at all, to be honest i should be saying thanks too  
GG: i...didnt really realize how much that was on my mind, i feel better too and i didnt even realize it was weighing on me   
GG: thanks for hearing me out jake :)  
GG: oops i mean ∑:) hehe i like that better  
GG: i didnt mean to talk your ear off like this though! i should get back to looking through these files, they’re really interesting  
GT: I’m sure! Sorry for keeping you, myself, i’m not doing much of anything  
GG: hehe ok, talk to you later then jake!  
GT: Sure thing jade! *double pistols and a wink*  
\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT] -- 

When had you even gotten in the shower? That conversation had been so engrossing you have no concept of how long the water ran over your shoulders, matted your hair down soaking wet. You felt energized and vital. It was so much easier to talk through text, so much less of a commitment. And Jade was always so easy to talk to, too. 

It made you feel better things were complicated for her also, in a queer way.  
Made you feel like a little less of a fuck up, you suppose. You would talk to Jane soon--maybe even after your shower, if you were feeling up to it? You drop your phone to your side, let it clatter and slam into the ground below. Dig your hands into your hair and help the water sink in deeper, hot and cleansing. 

The images of Dirk still linger, but a boy can only get hard so many times, and now they just leave you pensive. You had always thought it would be more...romantic, when it happened. No, that isn’t right--it had been plenty romantic, downright dazzling in fact. Perhaps you mean more foreshadowed? Did you act too soon? Did you move too fast? You wonder again if Dirk is thinking about it, too. 

You nibble your lip. This is so dumb. You went out of your way to tell him you needed time for yourself, and now you were thinking about messaging him? He was probably busy with something else by now, the idea of interrupting him for your weird sex thoughts seems so unfair. You think of him staring right into your eyes when you took that first thrust, that pull and push, the way he yelped. Your dick is mostly too spent to answer the thought. But it does twitch, sore and sensitive. Even in the heat and steam you have to fight a shiver. 

Buzz Buzz, your phone says. 

Your heart leaps at the thought that it might be him. You’re getting weirder and more insufferable about this by the minute. 

You pick it up and squint and what greets you isn’t orange but cyan. 

Your stomach sinks with disappointing and jumps with relief and pirouettes with guilt and ties itself into a knot over all those feelings. But luckily, mercifully, it all resolves into a sense of pleasure. You don’t feel terrified or nervous. You know this feeling. It’s comforting, and familiar, a quiet patient voice inside your chest. Suddenly you know this is where things get better at last between the two of you. It’s hope.  
**JANE**

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] --  
GG: Hi, Jake!   
GT: Oh hi jane!! You wouldn’t believe it but i was just thinking about you.  
GG: Huh. Really now?   
GT: Yes really!!!  
GG: Huh, what a coincidence. Do you mind if I ask what about?  
GT: Um. Well i was talking to jade and i asked her how you were doing i guess…  
GT: I dont mind giving you the details but i dont want to talk your ear off just yet either  
GT: So before you press me on it is there a reason for your message or am i just an extra lucky bloke tonight?   
GG: Haha! Well, to be honest, I suppose there is.   
GG: But I am a little nervous about bringing it up.  
GG: For..a lot of reasons.   
GG: Are you...um. Do you mind hearing me out, right now?  
GT: Oh jeez this sounds a little serious…*Loosens collar*  
GT: Well let’s say im nervous about what i have to say too hypothetically.  
GT: How about we trade and make a trade of it then?  
GG: Sure, that sounds like a plan.  
GG: Do you mind if I go first, though?  
GG: I don’t know if you remember, but I didn’t exactly do too well last time we did this.  
GG: I’d rather not lose my nerve again. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time.   
GT: Of course i remember, go right ahead jane   
GG: I guess it should be obvious. What I’m going to say, I mean.   
GG: But we only ever talked about it in passing. You and I directly, I mean.  
GG: Anyway, I just wanted to say…  
GG: I’m happy for you and Dirk. And I’m sorry for…  
GG: Well. The things I said. The things I did.  
GG: I...probably still love you, I think? It’s hard to say. In both meanings of the term.  
GG: But it doesn’t really hurt anymore.  
GG: Certainly not as much as it hurts to think our friendship may be damaged irreparably.   
GG: I can remember everything about it. When I was a computer, I mean.   
GG: I was so...cruel, and mean to you, and you didn’t deserve any of it.   
GG: And since then it’s seemed like we’re friendly enough, but…  
GG: We don’t talk like we used to, and I’ve been getting pretty sick of it.  
GG: There’s something else, but I wanted to get the elephant out of the room first.   
GT: Woah jane ok...there is a lot to take in here  
GT: But first things first i think you are being far too hard on yourself!  
GT: You were under the influence of an evil computer built by alien sea hitler, remember??  
GT: Not to mention there were a ton of ways in which i behaved like a downright boor!!  
GT: Really jane i feel i have just as much to apologize for if not more   
GT: And anyway i thought we’d already talked about this didnt we?   
GG: We did. But...I don’t know. I still feel terrible.  
GG: It’s not just things with us. I hurt so many people with my antics.   
GG: I killed Roxy, for christ’s sake! Or, a Roxy, anyway.   
GG: There were so many awful things that I thought about everybody…  
GG: Things I can’t take back. Things I can’t forget.   
GG: And now even when I’m confessing it to you like this I just don’t know, I still feel this distance between us.  
GG: I guess I just don’t feel like I deserve to be friends with any of you anymore?  
GG: But then on top of all the guilt, there’s also all these other FEELINGS.  
GG: Lingering feelings for you, for one. But...there’s other things, too.  
GG: I feel like I barely understand myself lately.   
GG: But recently I figured it out, and the only solution was to figure out how to be brave enough to tell you.   
GG: Dirk kind of understands. He promised not to mention it to any of you at my request, so there’s no need to be mad at him, by the way.   
GG: But he feels similarly about himself in a lot of ways, so no matter what he says…  
GG: We both know it’s kind of hypocritical.   
GG: And Roxy doesn’t really care. She hears me out and does her best to help me feel better, but she’s not the Roxy I hurt, you know? It just isn’t as...heavy for her.   
GG: Which is why it had to be you.   
GG: I don’t know what I’m looking for. You already said you forgave me, didn’t you?  
GG: It’s petty upon petty to put you through the wringer of my emotions like this.   
GG: But I can’t live with myself like this.   
GG: That’s it. I can’t think of anything else to say.  
GT: I…  
GT: Jeepers jane i had no idea you were feeling so awful about yourself   
GT: I...guess i of all people dont need to ask why you didnt come to me sooner  
GT: But to be honest i really wish you did :(   
GG: You do?   
GT: Blimey, of COURSE jane!!! you dont deserve to feel like this any more than i do  
GT: And ive been working things out with dirk and i think weve both been getting better  
GT: But it’s ruddy awful to find out ive been doing it while also leaving you all alone!!  
GT: I...jeez jane, i’m sorry :( I’ve been such a sucky friend to you   
GT: I just thought...you needed me out of your hair for a while.  
GT: I figured i could only make things worse   
GT: To be honest though i...don’t really know what to say.  
GT: I just feel so … dumb. Whatever i do its always the wrong thing it feels like  
GT: How do i help you?  
GG: Well. Just...don’t apologize, please?  
GG: I know it’s how you’re supposed to feel, but I can’t take it seriously, and it just makes things worse.   
GG: You’re not entirely wrong, after all. I DID need space, I needed to be able to...get over you.  
GG: And all these romanticized ideas of what life’s “meant” to be like, I think.  
GG: Like...boys being with girls, and marriage, and all of that.  
GG: I don’t think all those...structures were healthy for me.  
GG: I limited myself so much all my feelings and energy could only go into this one possibility, and that was the problem more than anything I guess.  
GG: Which is part of what I wanted to talk about, but…  
GG: Let’s save that for later.   
GG: For now, I think if anything would help, it’s this:  
GG: You say you forgive me, but… you never said for what, exactly.  
GG: Roxy and Dirk are the same way, it’s like we never want to talk about the ways our blows against each other actually wounded.   
GG: So, could you tell me that? Could you tell me how you really feel about the things I did?  
GT: Um...ok i could try and be a sport about it if you really want me to  
GT: I guess heres one thing ive been wondering, i talked to dirk about it today so it seems a good place to start  
GT: Am i… do you think i’m, uh. well. An idiot?   
GG: ...No. No, I don’t, Jake.   
GG: I’d ask how you could ever think that, but...I know how. I’m sorry.   
GT: It’s just something that kept coming up during the session   
GT: Everywhere i looked everyone was so many steps ahead of me in the logic department  
GT: And mostly they just kept letting me know it  
GT: You as a robot sure but also AR quite a bit  
GT: It just...wore me down, eventually. I’m still kind of uncertain, even after dirk’s apology.   
GT: Its like you both thought so highly of me but then when presented with the reality…  
GT: You were let down completely. Not just because of my wits either  
GT: I wasnt brave or strong or manly like i always talked myself up as being  
GT: And i could sense the way that i understood myself was...i dunno compared to everyone else i just perceived myself differently  
GT: I didnt like the idea that being a man meant i had to stand a certain way or do certain things   
GT: And i could sense dirk getting frustrated with me for failing to do so  
GT: Then when you were a robot it was practically all you would say to me   
GT: Thats what really hurt, more than anything.  
GT: It made me feel like neither of you really liked me for me.   
GT: Even before everything got terrible and i screwed the pooch completely  
GT:And even now i guess im still kind of trying to get used to the idea there IS anything to like at all, honestly.  
GG: ...I see.  
GT: Jiminy cricket im sorry jane i didnt mean to chew your ear like that, really  
GG: No, it’s okay! I asked you to.  
GG: And...it sucks, but in a way it’s good to hear you discuss it all.  
GG: Like it DID matter what I did to you. Like you did...care about it?   
GG: That sounds fucked up, sorry, let me try again.  
GG: Like you understand what you’re forgiving me for.   
GG: There, now I just sound pretentious and arrogant.   
GT: No no i understand completely.   
GT: I’ve been thinking about how important it is for people to be on the same page about important matters too recently.  
GG: Really? What about?  
GT: U-uuhhhh…………*Shoots steam out of ears*  
GT: No offense jane but i’d really rather not talk about that!!!   
GT: Just know there is nothing to worry about ok??? Everything is peachy  
GG: Oh my god.  
GT: OH, FUCK!!!!! JEEZ, NO I MEAN--  
GG: Pfffffffff  
GG: Hahahahaahhaha!!!   
GG: Oh god I’m sorry snnkt  
GG: That’s just, it’s too rich!!! Hahahahaha oh jeez!!!  
GT: Heheh  
GT: Yeah i mean i guess...its pretty rich to be honest, Hahahaha!  
GT: Like of all the myriad turns of phrases i might’ve chosen!!   
GT: OF COURSE i’d go with the fucking trickster thing!!!!! Snnnkrrrtttt   
GG: I KNOW! IT’S JUST SO PERFECT!! PFFFF  
GT: Hehehehehehehehe!! Oh my sides, oh cripe im getting stiches!!!  
GG: Ooooh my lordy, Jake that was amazing. Really.   
GG: I...I haven’t laughed that hard in ages.   
GT: Heheheh. Me neither.  
GT: But its always great to get a laugh from a lady :)8  
GG: Is that...your bowtie?   
GT: :D8 You knew right away! Hehehehe yes it is   
GT: I’ve been getting some tips in smiley fashion from our good daughter jade :B8  
GG: It’s pretty good, I’ll grant you that much.   
GG: But I’m fairly sure I can do you one better…  
GG: :8B!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
GT: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
GT: Heavens to betsy jane is that your mustache????  
GG: YES INDEED IT IS :8D  
GG: However I am not Jane Crocker. I am in fact that most distinguished investigator…  
GG: Detective Acorn!!!  
GT: WOWZA!!!!!!!!!!  
GT: You know i always did want to read that book when we all got together  
GT: I’m not much for the things but what kind of best friend would i be if i didnt?  
GG: I know. Unfortunately, it died tragically in an explosion as I was entering.  
GG: Dirk considered it fitting, but it’s still rather sad.  
GT: Oh no… 8):  
GT: Maybe we can have dirk rewrite it? Or summon it somehow, im sure theres a way between all our crazy powers…  
GG: That would be nice.   
GG: But maybe I’d settle if we could all just hang out together for once, and watch a movie or something.   
GT: For sure, that sounds lovely jane. I’ll give the book some thought regardless if its all the same to you though.  
GG: Sure.   
GT: Aces, then. Um...jane?  
GT: It’s really nice to talk to you again like this. I’ve missed you terribly.   
GG: I...I agree, Jake. I’ve missed you too.  
GG: I’m so sorry. About everything that happened.  
GT: I’m sorry too, we all are really.  
GT: Do you...feel any better?  
GG:...Yeah?  
GG: At least, I think so.  
GG: God, I hope that it lasts.  
GT: If it doesn’t, just come straight back here, ok?  
GT: I’m sure i’ll make another goofy language boner in no time and get that grin up to your ears!  
GG: Pfft. Jake...did you mean to do that?  
GT: Huh???? OH  
GT: SHIT!!!!  
GG: Ahahahah! Well, mister, it’s clear you weren’t kidding!  
GT: *Turns red like a thermometer thrown into the fire with a load of irons*  
GT: But what was the other thing you wanted to ask?  
GG: Oh. Yes. I was just curious…  
GG: Um. When did you realize? That the...that gender didn’t really matter to you, I suppose.  
GG: That is how it is, right? Am I presuming?  
GT: Oh, no you’re right that’s exactly how it is but…  
GT: The god’s honest truth is i really don’t know jane! I never really thought about this stuff TOO much.   
GT: I guess it was simply when i realized it was an OPTION to think of dirk that way  
GT: You don’t really get that from movies for some reason? It’s like, the ONLY pearl of wisdom not on offer in that limitless medium of wisdom  
GG: Please don’t make it impossible to take this conversation seriously, Jake.   
GT: Ha Ha, who could i be hearing right now, is it none other than MISS STRIDER in person????  
GG: Ack! It’s true I suppose, I’ve been caught with my hand in the puppet jar.   
GT: Heheh. But anyway, i dunno even now my feelings about all of that are complicated  
GT: Now its like… i can think about all this stuff and its all pretty hot and exciting  
GT: But only dirk feels real??? That might just be the...newness of it all though   
GG: Yeah. It’s...complicated.  
GT: Why do you ask???  
GG: Well, I’m…  
GG: This really isn’t a big deal, ok? I have too much other stuff to think about right now.   
GT: …?????  
GG: I think I’m...noticing Roxy more? In, like, a different way.  
GT: !  
GG: No, you put that drama stick away, mister!!!  
GT: .  
GG: Good. She’s dating John, and it isn’t really like that anyway.  
GG: Not romantic, I mean. I’m just realizing my interests are a bit broader than I’d thought they were, maybe.   
GG: There’s also that scrawny troll girl...Terezi?  
GG: She keeps her distance, but she’s pretty funny, and...sharp.  
GG: I don’t know, it’s not serious yet, really. It mostly just leaves me perplexed right now.  
GT: Yeah i know the feeling, believe me.  
GT: It just sounds to me like you’re going through some changes, jane.  
GT: And a smart friend once told me changes are a good thing!  
GT: (That smart friend was our son btw hehe :B8)  
GG: Did he, really? Well, he evidently got good genes from SOMEWHERE.  
GG: I think that proves you’re pretty sharp.  
GG: Maybe it even proves there’s hope for me.   
GT: Aw jane i appreciate the compliment and its sweet but  
GT: Don’t talk yourself down that way!!! There were tons of ways you got hurt too in everything   
GT: And things have been difficult but don’t forget, you’re the one who messaged me!  
GT: You’re doing your best and you’re great and my best friend and   
GT: You don’t need to find hope anywhere else because i believe in you!!!!  
GT: SO THERE!!!!!!! >:(8  
GG: I…  
GG: *Sniff!*  
GG: Um...wow, I really needed to hear that.  
GG: Thank you. Just...shucks buster :’8)  
GT: Really??? You actually feel better???  
GG: Yeah. Yeah, Jake, I really do.   
GT: I’m so glad jane… phew. Just come to me if you ever start feeling bad again, ok??  
GT: I’m finally starting to figure out this supposed MYSTERIOUS HOPE POTENTIAL i keep hearing about so whatever it is i have to do to help i’ll think of it!  
GG: Alright. I’ll take you up on that.  
GG: Does this...mean we’re friends again? Properly, I mean?  
GT: Gosh i hope so.  
GT: I gotta be honest jane im EXHAUSTED right now but if you need me to rush over and watch a movie to seal the deal, i will.  
GG: Haha, no, that’s alright. To be honest, I’m tired too. I haven’t been sleeping well.  
GG: But this feels like such a weight lifted off my shoulders...I think if I go to sleep right now, I will.  
GT: Yeah, me too actually.  
GG: So I’ll go to bed now, then. Thank you for...all of this.   
GT: Anytime, jane. It was just as good for you as it was for me. Oh but before you go…  
GG: Yeah?  
GT: I dunno if maybe this is innapropriate to say or something.  
GT: I definitely don’t want to hurt you or make you feel things you’d rather you didn’t again.  
GT: But...you’re my best friend, and I love you a lot.  
GT: I’m glad you’re back in my life for real.  
GG: Damnit, Jake, you’re going to make me cry myself to sleep.  
GG: I feel the same way.   
GG: I love you too. I mean, you knew that.   
GG: But as my friend, you know what I mean?  
GT: Absolutiddly :)8  
GG: Pff. Goodnight, Jake.  
GT: Goodnight, jane!  


Your fingers and body are pruney and tender by the time you turn the water off, but it works out well because you’ve been crying on and off and the water cleans the salt off of your cheeks. You can’t believe how much you missed her. You can’t believe you let things go on like this as long as you did. How were you surviving under the weight on your heart that just lifted? You’re already struggling to fathom it.

You should tell Dirk, you think, and Roxy--they’d be delighted to hear it. But you realize just as soon as you think it you can’t. Jade may have had the welcome effect of refilling your energy, but Jane had depleted it completely. You feel fuzzy and raw and electric, used up and empty. 

You turn off the shower and dry yourself off with a towel, wandering the chambers of your room. Your room still smells like Dirk and you but you’re so tired that just the thought bothers you for some reason. You tear the blankets off the bed and captchalogue them, place new clean sheets on in their place. 

The source removed, the smell slowly starts to dissipate. Once it does so enough, you throw yourself on your back, damp and naked. You curl onto your side, resting your head on your arm.

You feel...spent. Confused. Older. Changing. Satisfied. Happy.

Mostly, like a low voice, like a whisper, like a flash of blue knowing you might have glimpsed in a dream…

You feel Hope in you, a soft and easy glimmer. 

When you finally wake up, there’s a message waiting for you.


	12. Superego

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat/Terezi conversation. SFW. Actually, everything from now on is SFW, i may as well lay that out there
> 
> ;^)

You find her where you thought you would: On the roof of her sparse, mostly empty can. She doesn’t hang out here much--spends most of her time in her judicial slab, even though your carapaces and consorts aren’t capable of much more than petty little thefts at best. She’s sitting here now though, looking up at the sky, as she often does. Distant and absent even when she’s full of jest. It’s been months of it now, and at this point you’re sick to death of it. 

You breathe in too deep and she notices you immediately. Fuck, so much for preparation.  
You settle for a single thought. Hope you can break through to her this time.

KARKAT: HEY TEREZI, COULD YOU COME DOWN HERE A SEC?  
TEREZI: >:?  
TEREZI: WH4T DO YOU W4NT K4RK4T  
KARKAT: I JUST WANT TO TALK FOR A MINUTE!  
TEREZI: UM 4LR1GHT 1 GU3SS  


She descends, activating her rocket boots to land right in front of you with pinpoint precision. Hip out to one side, a place to rest her sassy hand. Typical Terezi, all grace and sharp angles. It hurts to be this close to her like this--a dull ache from a distance, now you can see and feel all the red strings between you-- fraying, severed, stretched. It’s natural, in a sense. You know that. But you don’t want it, and fuck what’s natural.

You notice she’s holding something, softly, in her loose hand. You can’t tell what it is but you know something about it connects her to you, something about it is important. A red coil you might be imagining leads from you into the darkness of her hand. 

Fuck the pleasantries, fuck pretending. You do what you do best and cut to the chase.

KARKAT: THANK YOU.  
TEREZI: UH   
TEREZI: WH4T?  
KARKAT: FOR EVERYTHING. JUST...THANKS.  
KARKAT: I NEVER DID SAY THAT. AND I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE, AND I’M RIDICULOUSLY, EXORBITANTLY LATE. BUT--  
TEREZI: K4RK4T STOP  
TEREZI: WH4T 4R3 YOU T4LK1NG 4BOUT  
KARKAT: OH.  
KARKAT: …  
KARKAT: I GUESS WHAT I MEAN IS.  
KARKAT: BACK WHEN WE WERE PLAYING OUR GAME.  
KARKAT: US.  
TEREZI: OH  
KARKAT: WELL, NOT JUST THAT.  
KARKAT: NOT THE ROMANTIC STUFF SPECIFICALLY, THOUGH THAT WAS GREAT, UNTIL I RUINED IT AND EVERYTHING.  
TEREZI: …  
KARKAT: YOU WERE JUST,  
KARKAT: YOU WERE ALWAYS ROOTING FOR ME AND BUILDING ME UP, IN YOUR OWN WAY, IS ALL.  
KARKAT: EVEN WHEN I WAS TOO STUPID OR SELF-ABSORBED TO SEE IT.  
KARKAT: AND I WISH I’D BEEN BETTER FOR YOU BACK THEN, BUT THIS ISN’T ME THROWING A PITY PARTY OR ANYTHING.  
KARKAT: I JUST WOULDN’T BE HALF OF WHO I AM WITHOUT YOU. EVEN THROUGH ALL THE MIND GAMES AND SHIT TALK, YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE IT WAS OKAY THAT I WAS A MUTANT, AND YOU DID AS MUCH AS I DID TO KEEP THE TEAM FROM FALLING APART. IF NOT MORE.  
KARKAT: REALLY WE WOULDN’T HAVE GOTTEN THROUGH ANY OF IT WITHOUT YOU, AND AS PEDESTRIAN AND TRITE AS IT LOOKS IN HINDSIGHT, I DON’T THINK I WANT TO UNDERSELL WHAT YOU DID FOR US ALL.  
KARKAT: OR MORE IMPORTANTLY,  
KARKAT: WHAT YOU DID FOR ME.  
TEREZI: HMM  
TEREZI: W3LL 4LR1GHT 1 GU3SS  
TEREZI: 1 M34N TH4T’S N1C3 OF YOU TO S4Y  
TEREZI: 1 JUST C4NT H3LP BUT WOND3R WHY NOW OF 4LL T1M3S  
TEREZI: TH1S 1S R34LLY B1Z4RR3 4ND SUDD3N K4RK4T  
TEREZI: WH4T TH3 FUCK GOT 1NTO YOUR H34D????  
KARKAT: OH. WELL, THE LONG STORY SHORT IS  
KARKAT: I WENT ON A DATE SO HOT THE REST OF MY BLOOD POWERS SEEM TO HAVE BEEN UNLOCKED  
KARKAT: AND BASICALLY I’M FEELING PRETTY EMOTIONAL RIGHT NOW  
TEREZI: OH  
TEREZI: Y34H 1 M1GHT H4V3 3XP3CT3D TH4T  
KARKAT: HUH. REALLY?  
KARKAT: IT TOOK ME BY SURPRISE, PERSONALLY.  
KARKAT: I WAS STARTING TO FIGURE IT OUT, YOU KNOW? I JUST NEVER THOUGHT THERE WOULD BE SO MUCH TO IT. SO MUCH *OF* IT.  
KARKAT: AT LEAST, NOT WITHOUT GOD TIERING, I GUESS.  
TEREZI: H4H4 Y34H 4BOUT TH4T  
TEREZI: YOU KNOW TH3 WORST P4RT 4BOUT MY L1TTL3 M1ND 3P1PH4NY  
KARKAT: NO, YOU’VE NEVER TALKED TO ME ABOUT THAT.  
KARKAT: YOU DONT REALLY TALK TO ME ABOUT MUCH ANYMORE.  
KARKAT: IT’S KIND OF WHY I CAME OUT HERE.  
TEREZI: 1 KNOW TH1S W4S FOR 4 GOOD R34SON THOUGH  
TEREZI: 1 R34L1Z3D G4MZ33 W4S R1GHT  
KARKAT: OK NO STOP, STOP THERE, HANG ON.  
KARKAT: TEREZI THERE IS A LOT I WILL TRUST YOU WITH AND I’M FULLY DETERMINED TO CONTINUALLY PROVE THAT FROM NOW ON.  
KARKAT: BUT DID YOU JUST HEAR WHAT YOU SAID???  
TEREZI: TRUST M3 1 KNOOOOW  
TEREZI: BUT 1T 1S 4N UNFORTUN4T3 F4CT W3’LL H4V3 TO 4CC3PT >:[  
KARKAT: NO. I DON’T KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING BUT I HATE IT.  
KARKAT: RIGHT ABOUT WHAT??  
TEREZI: R3M3MB3R H1S STUP1D 4WFUL GOD T13R OUTF1T  
KARKAT: OH GOD. OH GOD NO PLEASE………..  
TEREZI: 1M SORRY K4RK4T H3 KN3W WH4T H3 W4S DO1NG 1 TH1NK  
TEREZI: 4T L34ST ON SOM3 L3V3L FUCK 1F 1 KNOW 1F H3 3V3R H4D 4N 4CTU4L THOUGHT 1N H1S L1F3  
TEREZI: BUT TH3 PO1NT 1S H3 F1GUR3D 1T OUT SOM3HOW  
TEREZI: GOD T13R1NG DO3SNT 4CTU4LLY M4TT3R  
TEREZI: 1T G1V3S YOU 1MMORT4L1TY 1N 4 S3NS3 Y34H BUT TH3 POW3RS W3R3 4S 4NNOY1NGLY CL1CH3 4S 1T 1S TO 4DM1T  
TEREZI: 1NS1D3 US 4LL 4LONG >X[  
TEREZI: BLUUUUUUUUUUH 1 H4T3 3V3N TH1NK1NG TH4T  
KARKAT: SO THEN, WHY DIDN’T YOU EVER TELL ME? OR KANAYA?  
TEREZI: 1 TOLD K4N4Y4 BUT SH3’D F1GUR3D TH4T OUT SOON 4FT3R W3 4RR1V3D H3R3  
TEREZI: 4ND 4CCORD1NG TO H3R SH3’D B33N US1NG H3R POW3RS UNKNOW1NGLY FOR 4 LONG T1M3 B3FOR3 TH4T  
TEREZI: 1T 3XPL41N3D 4 LOT OF H3R “R41NBOW DR1NK3R QU1CKN3SS” OR SOM3TH1NG SH3 S41D  
TEREZI: 4S FOR YOU…  
TEREZI: 1T WOULDNT H4V3 H3LP3D  
TEREZI: YOU WOULD’V3 JUST GOTT3N 3V3N MOR3 P1SS3D OFF 4T 4LL TH3 PO1NTL3SS C1RCUMST4NC3  
TEREZI: 4ND TH3N MOR3 FRUSTR4T3D 4T YOURS3LF FOR NOT B31NG 4BL3 TO F1GUR3 1T OUT 4ND NOT H4V1NG 4N 3XCUS3 TO F4LL B4CK ON  
KARKAT: FUCK. UTTERLY DESTROYED, AS FUCKING USUAL.  
KARKAT: WHATEVER, AS USUAL THANKS FOR BEING THE SMARTEST AND HAVING MY BACK SO THAT IT ISN’T SUCKED WITH THE REST OF ME INTO THE GAPING BLACK VORTEX CREATED BY THE GRAVITY OF MY ENDLESS ATTRACTION TO FALLING ON MY ASS.  
TEREZI: H3H3 NO PROBL3M K4RK4T  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT, WAS THAT A LAUGH???  
KARKAT: EVERYBODY STOP THE PRESSES!! IS THERE A CARAPACE OUT THERE OBSESSED WITH POINTLESS JOURNALISM??? WE NEED CAMERAS HERE TEREZI HAD A FUCKING LAUGH!!!!!!!  
TEREZI: GOD SHUT UPPPPPPPP >:]  
TEREZI: 1 H4V3 TO 4DM1T YOUR 1D1OT1C BL4TH3R 1S 4 LOT MOR3 CH4RM1NG WH3N YOU’R3 NOT US1NG 1T TO T34R DOWN 4NYON3 OR YOURS3LF  
TEREZI: 1T R3M1NDS M3 WHY 1 THOUGHT YOU W3R3 FUNNY  
KARKAT: ...HUH. WELL, I’M GLAD, I GUESS.  


You can’t believe this is working, even though the evidence is undeniable. You know things will never be like they were before, years ago now--but you wouldn’t want them to be. Still, those red strands between you are pulsing, thrumming, coming alive like a friendship rediscovered at last.

KARKAT: I’VE MISSED YOU A LOT, TEREZI.  
TEREZI: H4V3 YOU?  
TEREZI: YOU 4LW4YS S33M3D H4PPY 3NOUGH W1TH D4V3  
KARKAT: AND I AM! I DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.  
KARKAT: BESIDES, I COULD SAY THE SAME ABOUT YOU AND…  
TEREZI: …  
KARKAT: NAH, NEVER MIND ABOUT THAT JUST YET.  
KARKAT: HEY, CAN I ASK?  
KARKAT: WHAT’S THAT IN YOUR HAND?  
TEREZI: OH, TH1S…  
KARKAT: A...SEED?  
TEREZI: Y34H 1 FORGOT 1 3V3N H4D 1T 1T W4S D33P 1N MY SYLL4D3X  
TEREZI: 1TS…  
TEREZI: FROM MY TR33  TEREZI: MY HOUS3 TR33 1 M34N FROM B4CK ON 4LT3RN14  
KARKAT: OH. HOLY SHIT???  
TEREZI: 1 FOUND 1T 4 F3W D4YS 4GO WH3N 1 W4S CL34N1NG 1T OUT JUST FOR SOM3TH1NG TO DO  
TEREZI: WH3N 1 SM3LL3D 1T 1 COULDN’T B3L13V3 1T BUT H3R3 1T 1S  
KARKAT: DO YOU...DON’T YOU WANT TO PLANT IT?  
KARKAT: I MEAN, WHY DIDN’T YOU ALREADY? JANE COULD GROW THAT SUCKER TO HIVE SIZE IN A SNAP.  
TEREZI: 1 W4NT TO BUT 1 C4N’T  
TEREZI: 1’V3 B33N TH1NK1NG 4BOUT 1T 4 LOT 1 H4T3 L1V1NG 1N TH1S C4N  TEREZI: TO B3 HON3ST 1 H4T3 L1V1NG 1N TH1S *TOWN* 1 GU3SS  
TEREZI: 4T L34ST R1GHT NOW   
TEREZI: 1 F33L L1K3 1T WOULD B3 34S13R 1F…  
KARKAT: THIS IS ABOUT HER, RIGHT?  
TEREZI: Y34H  
TEREZI: BUT NOT JUST H3R 1 GU3SS  
TEREZI: 4LL OUR OTH3R FR13NDS TOO TH3Y’R3 OUT TH3R3 SOM3WH3R3 1N TH3 VO1D TR4PP3D W1TH TH4T COSM1C HULK MONST3R  
TEREZI: 4ND 1 KNOW VR1SK4 SH3’S GO1NG TO DO SOM3 R1D1CULOUS BULLSH1T TO PUT 4 STOP TO H1M 4ND 1T WON’T 3V3N OCCUR TO H3R TO WOND3R WH4T COM3S 4FT3R TH4T  
TEREZI: H3LL 4S F4R 4S SH3’S CONC3RN3D DY1NG 1N TH3 F1GHT WOULD PROB4BLY B3 B3ST  
TEREZI: SO WH4T DO 1 DO  
TEREZI: W3 WON ON OUR 3ND SO NOW 1 JUST S1T H3R3 4ND DO NOTH1NG?  
TEREZI: ST4RT MY L1F3 L1K3 1 KNOW SH3 1SN’T OFF COMM1TT1NG TH3 ONLY 100% UN1QU3 V3RS1ON OF SU1C1D3?  
TEREZI: L1K3 W3’R3 NOT ST1LL TH3 V1CT1MS OF TH1S GR33N HYP3R4SSHOL3’S STUP1D BULLSH1T M4ST3R PL4N 4ND 4 M1LL1ON V3RS1ONS OF OURS3LV3S WHO D1D NOTH1NG WRONG 4R3 GO1NG TO B3 R3DUC3D TO NOTH1NG FOR 1T  
TEREZI: 1 C4N’T DO TH4T K4RK4T  
1 C4N S33 1T   
TH3R3’S ONLY ON3 W4Y TH1S C4N 3ND  
KARKAT: ACTUALLY, IF I CAN INTERJECT.  
KARKAT: APPARENTLY DAVE GOT A VISION OR SOMETHING, IT’S HARD TO EXPLAIN.  
KARKAT: BUT INTEL HE GATHERED SUGGESTS AT LEAST ONE OF EACH OF OUR FRIENDS AND ANCESTORS ARE ALIVE AND WELL.  
KARKAT: FLOATING OUT IN PARADOX SPACE SOMEWHERE LOOKING FOR US.  
TEREZI: HUH W3LL TH4T’S COOL TO KNOW BUT 1T DO3SNT CH4NG3 4NYTH1NG  
KARKAT: WHAT??? DOESN’T THAT CONTRADICT EVERYTHING YOU JUST SAID?  
KARKAT: IF IT’S TRUE THEN WE ALREADY WON, AND I JUST HAVE TO SCAN THE SKY WITH MY BLOOD POWERS OR SOMETHING UNTIL WE MAKE CONTACT.  
KARKAT: IT’LL BE A BITCH FOR SURE BUT EVERYTHING IS FINE THEN!!!  
TEREZI: 1T WOULD B3 N1C3 1F 1T WORK3D OUT TH4T W4Y BUT 1T WON’T  
TEREZI: 1’M SUR3 YOU’V3 H34RD 4BOUT TH3 MYST3RY PO1NT ROS3’S POW3RS 4R3 D3T3CT1NG  
KARKAT: YEAH....  
TEREZI: SORRY TO S4Y TH1S K4RK4T 1’V3 KNOWN 4BOUT TH4T FOR 4 LOT LONG3R TH4N SH3 H4S  
TEREZI: YOUR BLOOD POW3RS WON’T WORK B3C4US3 WH4T D4V3 S4W DO3SN’T 3X1ST FROM OUR P3RSP3CT1V3 Y3T  
KARKAT: …  
TEREZI: 1 DON’T H4V3 4LL TH3 D3T41LS 1 DON’T KNOW WH4T’S GO1NG TO H4PP3N 3X4CTLY  
TEREZI: BUT 3V3RYTH1NG CONV3RG3S ON 4 S1NGL3 D3C1S1ON NOW   
TEREZI: ALL OUR L1V3S S33M STUCK ON 1T AND N3W 4G3NTS OF CH4NG3 S1MPLY DONT 3X1ST 1N 4NY T1M3L1N3 UNT1L POSS1BLY 4FT3RW4RDS  
TEREZI: TH4TS 4SSUM1NG OF COURS3 W3 SURV1V3 TH3 MYST3RY MOM3NT.   
KARKAT: SURVIVE…? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO IMPLY???  
TEREZI: D4V3 D1DN’T M3NT1ON S331NG 4NY HUM4NS 1N TH4T V1S1ON R1GHT  
KARKAT: …  
TEREZI: TH3R3’S ONLY ON3 TH1NG 1 KNOW R1GHT NOW K4RK4T  
TEREZI: PR3TTY FUCK1NG SOON TH3 HUM4NS 4R3 GO1NG TO D3C1D3 TO Z4P 4W4Y TO F1GHT TH3 GR33N 4SSH4T 4S 4 K1D  
TEREZI: C4L1BORN 1S H1S N4M3 R1GHT  
KARKAT: YEAH. I MEAN, THEY’D ALWAYS TALKED ABOUT THAT, BUT IT SOUNDED SO…  
TEREZI: L1K3 1T WOULD N3V3R H4PP3N OR 1T D1DNT M4TT3R? Y34H  
TEREZI: W3’V3 B33N D1STR4CT3D 4ND 3NJOY1NG OURS3LV3S FOR 4 WH1L3 1 GU3SS 1T W4S 34SY NOT TO TH1NK S3R1OUSLY 4BOUT 1T  
TEREZI: BUT 1T’S COM1NG 4ND 1T’S 4LL 1 C4N S33 K4RK4T  
TEREZI: 1T M1GHT 3V3N B3 TH4T M3 S4Y1NG TH1S 1S WHY 1T H4PP3NS  
TEREZI: R3G4RDL3SS WH3N3V3R 1 TRY TO S33 4NYTH1NG 4BOUT OUR L1V3S 4FT3R TH1S M3SS OR 4BOUT TH3 GHOSTS OR 4BOUT VR1SK4…  
TEREZI: 1T’S 4LL LOCK3D B3H1ND TH4T  
TEREZI: SOM3HOW WH4T3V3R TH3Y DO WH4T3V3R TH3Y C4US3 WH4T3V3R H4PP3NS TO TH3M WH3N TH3Y GO OFF TH3N  
TEREZI: 1T CH4NG3S 3V3RYTH1NG, BL1NDS MY V1S1ON 1N 4 W4Y 1 C4N’T S33 P4ST  
KARKAT: UH...SHIT. TEREZI, YOU’RE KIND OF FREAKING ME OUT HERE.  
TEREZI: 1 KNOW >:[ 1’M SORRY TH1S 1S WHY 1 D1DN’T W4NT TO S4Y 4NYTH1NG  
KARKAT: BUT THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE!!  
KARKAT: DAVEPETA CAME *FROM* THAT BATTLE, AND THEY’RE FINE! THEY EXIST, THEY FOUND US, THEY TOLD US THERE WERE TROLLS ALIVE WITH THEM.  
TEREZI: Y3S K4RK4T 4ND TH3Y’V3 *4LSO* B33N SUSP1C1OUSLY C4G3Y 4BOUT WHO 4ND WH4T 3X4CTLY 1S COM1NG B4CK!  
TEREZI: 4 SPR1T3 W1TH COSM1C 4W4R3N3SS F4R OUTSTR1PP1NG M1N3 4ND TH3 4B1L1TY TO MOV3 N34R TH3 SP33D OF L1GHT COULD MOV3 THROUGH TH3 VO1D COMPL3T3LY D1FF3R3NTLY TH4N L1V1NG OR GHOST HUM4NS 4ND TROLLS C4N  
TEREZI: 4ND 1N TH3 VO1D WH3R3 YOU C4N G3T TO D3P3NDS ON HOW F4ST YOU MOV3 THROUGH 1T R3M3MB3R  
TEREZI: M4YB3 TH3Y’R3 H3R3 4RR4NG1NG FOR 3V3NTS TO PL4Y OUT SO TH4T WH4T3V3R H4S TO H4PP3N DUR1NG TH4T B4TTL3 COM3S TO P4SS  
TEREZI: 1 DON’T KNOW K4RK4T 1T’S H4RD TO S4Y--1 JUST C4N’T RUL3 4NYTH1NG OUT R1GHT NOW W1TH R3G4RDS TO TH3M  


You feel dizzy, hurt, nauseated all of a sudden. Tears start to threaten. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What an idiot you were to think it all really could come to an end so easily, so peacefully.

KARKAT: SO,  
KARKAT: WHAT YOU’RE SAYING IS…  
KARKAT: WE EITHER SIT HERE AND STAGNATE IN THIS TIMELINE MIDDLEGROUND, POTENTIALLY FOREVER, SINCE THE ONLY DEFINING FEATURE OF THE TIMELINE IS THE HUMANS DECIDING TO GO.  
KARKAT: AND THEN WE’LL NEVER KNOW ABOUT VRISKA, OR ARADIA OR SOLLUX, OR ANY OF THE OTHER GHOSTS…  
KARKAT: HELL, WORSE THAN THAT, WE WON’T ACTUALLY BE FREE AT ALL. WE’LL JUST BE IN MEANINGLESS LIMBO PURGATORY, FOREVER.  
KARKAT: OR...I HAVE TO LET DAVE GO. INTO SOME MYSTERIOUS COSMICALLY IMPORTANT BATTLE.  
KARKAT: AND THERE’S NOTHING WHATSOEVER IN PARADOX SPACE TELLING ME HE’LL COME BACK?  


Damnit. You didn’t mean for your voice to crack. Terezi just stares, a sad smile and caring eyes. God, this is what she’s been dealing with? No wonder she was so fucking distant. You berate yourself for failing to barge in sooner, for leaving her to this wreck. At the same time, you wish so desperately you’d never asked. 

It’s literally more than you can stand. You manage to wander over to the side of her can and collapse against it. She follows and sits with you, puts her hand on your back, unusually nurturing. The worst part is knowing there’s no way you can look at Dave again and hide this--it’s too big, too much. And once he knows what’s at stake, once they know what’s waiting, you know them well enough to know there won’t be a choice to be made at all.  
Even if they hate it. Even if it scares them. 

Just by telling you, Terezi has kicked the gears into motion, poured the seal on your fates.

The clock is ticking now, and there’s no going back.


	13. Moonsetter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapters are gonna get quite a bit shorter from here but I'm also going to post them pretty fast. If this series isn't done by tonight it'll likely be done tomorrow. 
> 
> I hope you've enjoyed this ride, and I hope you enjoy the ending also! :)

There’s not a lot of fanfare to it, in the end. A lot of shouting, a lot of whining, a lot of talking at it, fighting it, pleading at it. Mostly from Karkat. 

Rose was silent and grave as she sent everyone the messages, gathered you all in this conference hall, delivered the details of your circumstances in quiet, forced monotone. 

It’s interesting. The similarities. John and Jade are quiet, resentful, borderline sick with anger. That they’d be dragged back in again. John mutters something about almost looking forward to ripping that asshole’s trousers again, and Jade’s laughing bark is violent and burning, almost more beast than human. 

Jake and Jane mostly just look stressed, confused, tense. Like they don’t know how to process it. It breaks your heart, and you can’t blame them--you feel much the same way. Roxy is just angry. You can feel it coming off her, but she’s devoting most of her attention to Calliope, who’s on the precipice of crying. 

Rose matches you the most closely. She is coiled and grim, an acceptant mortician. Her lips are pursed and her eyes are distant, wandering, plotting, doing poetry or math, determining the next step. Trying to find some loophole and, like you, failing. Kanaya shows all the emotion she doesn’t, near tears and hands clasped around her knees tight enough they may be drawing blood. Much as your green-themed partner reflects your own state of mind, you guess. 

Dave alone is unique in this, Dave alone has no reflection. He’s sick and pallid and so stressed he seems like he’s about to bolt away. Karkat is yelling and shouting because of course he continues being Karkat, but he never aims his voice his way, as if he senses it would be enough to snap him in half. 

You wander over to him and, because you know nothing is going to help this with words, you simply give him an awkward pat on the shoulder with your hand. You hope it’s reassuring. His face turns to meet yours and even through two thick layers of black glass, there’s no disguising the commiseration about this perverse tragedy you’re sharing.

DIRK: Well, this is bullshit.  
DAVE: no kidding?  


You look over at your friends, your partners, the family you were just starting to grow into. The version of yourself you were just starting to enjoy getting to know. It is bullshit. This is all sorts of fucked up, to let you rest in leisure for a while, to allow you the luxury of believing you were free just to tear it out from under your feet like this. 

You wonder if Caliborn planned it like this, or if it just came naturally. You never had it in you to really hate him, not before now, but suddenly the raw reality of him being Lord English finally seems to be setting in. So, all his talk really had been more than bluster. You should have known when Calliope stopped talking to you all, but you suppose you were busy. And who could imagine the depth of it, anyway? Who could dream this kind of depravity? You wonder if there’s anything you could have said or done. To change him somehow, to make it not play out like this. Which is stupid, you know that. It became clear as soon as you started sharing stories--with Calliope, with your alternate universe ancestor peers, with the aliens called trolls they had travelled with. Your bizarre family, all of you tied together by the trap of causality. None of you would be here without him. It stood to reason there’d be a reason for it, eventually. Though you can’t imagine what it could possibly be, other than he hates all your guts and he’s poison, pure poison. You almost look forward to the chance to slice him clean open. 

You’re distracted by the realization that Jake and Jane are paired off over there in the far corner, talking. Huh. The little spark of panic in you is absolutely tiny, easily ignored as the vapid nonsense it is, and you’re glad for it. You wonder if you head over, and just as quickly realize it would likely be poor form. Sucks for you though because before you move away Jake notices you staring and starts waving you over. You don’t start moving until Jane turns around and smiles, beckoning you too. Her smile seems easy and friendly, impossibly unburdened by all this, and jesus how you’ve missed it. You don’t even notice how you start walking over, you’re simply a moth drawn to the light of the two of them. 

DIRK: Hey.  
DIRK: Sorry for being a creep, I wasn’t trying to interrupt you guys.  
JANE: Psh. Nonsense, Dirk--we were just talking about you.   
DIRK: Really?  
JAKE: Yeah!! Sorry i didnt get to saying so sooner but me and jane ended up having a lovely chat last night.  
JAKE: I wanted to say thanks for encouraging me to talk to her even though she turned out to message me eventually.   
DIRK: Oh. That’s excellent, then.   
DIRK: I’m actually really happy to hear it. Especially now.   
JANE: Yes. This is...scary, to be honest.   
JAKE: Yeah :(  
DIRK: Well. Between the eight of us, I doubt that manbaby has anything we can’t handle.  
DIRK: We’re kind of a big deal, after all.  
JANE: That’s true. Oh! And speaking of big deals, there was something else.  
DIRK: Hmm?  
JANE: Me and Jake were talking about...Detective Acorn.  
DIRK: Oh, shit!  
JANE: And his tragic demise at the hands of that whole Sburb setup nightmare.  
DIRK: Oh. Yeah. Shit.   
JANE: The bottom line is Jake mentioned he’d always been hoping to read it.  
JANE: And to be honest I miss it. I feel like cathartic and excruciating is exactly the kind of fiction I could use right now.   
DIRK: Heh. I think I see where this is going.   
JAKE: So how about it palmeister?? Think theres anything you can do???  
JAKE: Like maybe do you have a copy saved somewhere or...maybe you could rewrite it?? If you remember and its not too much of a hassle i mean.  
DIRK: Hmm. Well, I don’t have it saved anywhere. That was a one of a kind original for Jane’s eyes only, at the time.   
JAKE: Bugger all! :(  
ROXY:  :o??????   
DIRK: And that’s really not how writing a book works, Jake. If I wrote it now it’d probably be completely different.   
JAKE: Hogwash and blasphemy. :’(8  
JAKE: So youre saying theres really nothing you can do about it???  
DIRK: Well, by myself, probably. But I think I might have some ideas.   
JANE: ???  
JAKE: ???  
ROXY: :D!!!   
DIRK: I do remember the essence of it perfectly, after all. I think the “true forms” of objects may actually be kind of a Heart thing?  
DIRK: And Roxy can basically summon anything from the void...though I’m not sure if being destroyed makes a book count as a part of that concept.  
DIRK: But your hope powers are basically DEFINED by being able to do whatever the fuck you want, right, Jake?   
DIRK: I think you already demonstrated that.  
JAKE: UM! YES, ABOUT THAT,  
JAKE: MAYBE...we should talk about that later? More...privately.  
JANE: Umm…?  
DIRK: Uh, alright. Anyway, all I meant was--  
ROXY: WELL WELL WELLZ ;D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
ROXY: WATS GOIN ON OVER HERE  
CALLIOPE: oh bother U_U; I tried to bUy you time, everyone. she would not be swayed!  
JAKE: Roxy! Callie! :D  
JANE: Hey! :D  
DIRK: Heheh. I was wondering when you’d show up.   
ROXY: dont u dare change the subject to our dramatic af entrance  
ROXY: could this be...all my fave pals??? talkin chill like and bein friendly??  
ROXY: i can leave again if its a bigger deal than that it just didnt seem lik it and i was so excited!!!!!!  
JANE: Nope. You deduced the situation accurately.  
JAKE: We were actually talking about dirks book!  
ROXY: oooh detective acorn i always DREAMED of reading that shit mself   
ROXY: the excerpts jane read me were SO choice  
DIRK: Man, at this rate, my heartfelt personal gift is going to end up a new york times bestseller.   
JANE: It would be nice, though. Just to share something between the four of us again?  
JANE: Or, five of us, if Calliope wants to read it.  
JANE: You always were one of us as far as I was concerned.  
CALLIOPE: aw ^U^ jane yoU are the sweetest. I’m sUre I’ll find it’s lovely.   
JAKE: Well dirk was just in the middle of talking about how to recreate it, so hopefully we will get to! You were saying bro?  
DIRK: Oh. Uh, yeah, all I was really saying was it shouldn’t be a problem.  
DIRK: So long as you guys don’t mind helping me.   
ROXY: awwwssszzzz ;;;3 <3  
JAKE: Haha, you know you got it bro.   
JANE: Now we’ve really got to trounce this bugger. Detective acorn’s future rests on it!  


It’s probably not that funny, but the thrill and the joy of all of you just...being together again makes it wonderful, and hilarious. You all burst into laughter, and you think to yourself all the loneliness and the boredom, all the messes you all made during your game--they were all worth it, you hope. If they can lead to this, they have to be. 

Something shifts in Dave then, interrupting your moment of peace. Some wellspring of resolve, broken open. He shimmers and he’s gone and he’s back in the breadth of a moment, and he’s holding stuff--a messy mound of white, a glimmering pile of bullshit. Spiky and metal and heavy and wretched. Tools of death. 

He drops them on the floor in a sloppy pile and the cacophony drowns out everyone’s voices. 

There’s silence.  
And then he speaks,


	14. Sunsetter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :-) I ran out of things to say but hey i hope you've noticed all the chapter titles are homestuck songs right? 
> 
> Who am i kidding, its august 2016 and you're reading hs fanfiction, you almost definitely know that 
> 
> just in case tho!

DAVE: alright  
DAVE: fuck waiting. lets go.  
KARKAT: DAVE, WHAT???  
KARKAT: WHAT’S WITH THIS ALL OF A SUDDEN, I KNOW YOU DON’T ACTUALLY WANT THIS SHIT.  
KARKAT: CAN YOU WAIT A MINUTE? JUST, CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS?  
DAVE: yeah, we can  
DAVE: but its not gonna change anything. nothing will.  
DAVE: we heard from the seers you tried to search the trolls out anyway  
DAVE: john tried to zap them in with his powers to no avail  
DAVE: and davepeta closed off their impenetrable fucking disco i guess because terezi was right and the last few months were really just them playing setup   
DAVE: so really what  
DAVE: whats there to talk about   
KARKAT: I…  


Fuck, what are you doing? Karkat looks taken aback, like he’s about to cry. You feel awful about that, but hell, you want to cry too. Still… Everyone’s staring. You mumble a sorry and there’s a kind of collective sigh, though you know for a fact Rose and Jade were already taking half-steps towards you, ready to try and pacify. Stupid. To add to the stress and heartache like this. Like everything isn’t bad enough already. 

Everyone seems to have clustered into two groups loosely entangled: Jake, Jane and Dirk are still talking with Calliope. John and Roxy are talking awkwardly off to the side, blushing all around--well, you knew what that was about. Terezi is predictably, off on her own--clearly deep in thought. Jade sits on a table, a silent guardian, absently thinking as Rose and Kanaya share a moment behind her. 

Everywhere there’s loose overtures of romance-- Dirk and Jake’s hands brushing, John reaching around Roxy for a reassuring stroke on the shoulder, Rose holding back tears as she leans in to kiss Kanaya. Karkat just keeps looking at you, hurt, brought silent at last--something you’d long thought impossible.  
Fuck it. If not now, when?

DAVE: sorry. again. i didnt mean to get testy at you  
DAVE: especially not now.  
KARKAT: YEAH. I...I FIGURED. I’M NOT TRYING TO BE DRAMATIC AND MAKE IT WORSE, YOU KNOW.   
DAVE: yeah. i know.   
DAVE: do you  
DAVE: do you mind if i hug you now? no ones gonna care, anyway  
KARKAT: I DONT….  
KARKAT: GOD, FUCK IT, YOU’RE RIGHT. COME HERE.  


He’s the one who comes to you, though--too fast and with too much force to be denied he bursts into your arms and pushes you backwards. Your arms curl around him and your neck bends into the nest of his hair instinctively. Warm and soft.

KARKAT: I’M SO SCARED TO LOSE YOU, DAVE. I DON’T...WANT THIS.  
DAVE: i know. me neither, but listen  
DAVE: you’re not losing anyone. we’re gonna be fine, i promise.  
DAVE: we outnumber him, and we’re basically ridiculously op.  
DAVE: whatever stupid time loop needs to be fulfilled or whatever, we’ll survive it.  
DAVE: i’ll survive it, and i’ll make sure everyone else does too.  
KARKAT: YOU CAN’T PROMISE THAT, YOU ASSHOLE.  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: but im going to anyway  
DAVE: fuck that guy and fuck letting him win. this is essentially a formality.  
DAVE: we’ll go there, kick his ass or whatever, and then our lives can fucking start finally.  
DAVE: it’ll be over, you get it? this really is the last step.   
DAVE: so just let us, and believe in me. i’ll be back before you know it.  
KARKAT: …  
KARKAT: FUCK. OKAY, FINE. YOU GOT IT.  
DAVE: heheh. Good.   


All around you, whispers. Rose saying I still don’t know for sure, it could well be the matriorb. Jane saying Don’t worry, Callie--I’ll give him twice the drubbings for you.  
God, you love these people. Too much to bear, too much to keep in you. Jade is still quiet, a furious sentinel. You take a step over to her, Karkat’s hand in yours.

DAVE: so. how ya doin? youre awful quiet over here.  
JADE: heheh. It’s nothing much, really. I was wondering if…  
JADE: if maybe i’d feel the sun, wherever he is.  
JADE: it’s so stupid, it comes and wanes, it’s state of existence always so inconsistent from here.  
JADE: its usually better without it but, right now? I’m so FURIOUS, dave.  
DAVE: uhuh. I know the feeling.  
JADE: when the sun was there it kind of felt good to be angry.  
JADE: it was so hot and bright and burning and it was like there was a useful shape to the heat in me.  
JADE: now i just hope i can use it there. make him feel it.  
JADE: it would serve him right, since he used us to make the thing.   
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: you know i dont think ive ever seen you really angry like this  
DAVE: except maybe as grimbark jade i guess for a second  
JADE: ugh, dont remind me :(  
DAVE: its kind of scary but, to be honest  
DAVE: it makes me feel better. less worried for us, more worried for him  
JADE: heheh :)   


You sit down next to her and Karkat sits down next to you. It’s nice, you think, to be surrounded by friends like this. She stares down at the pile of stuff you brought, glistening white and cueball themed. Her eyes linger on you. It occurs to you that even though you’ve only really gotten to be around her in person for maybe a couple of months, you know exactly what that look means. She’s wondering something, maybe thinking about asking you a question.

She seems to let it go, though, and while you’re curious there’s probably a better time to press her on it. At least, you hope there will be. She asks you something, but you know its not what she meant to.

JADE: i guess one of those rifles is for me?  
DAVE: yeah i heard roxy uses them too sometimes  
JADE: yeah. we never have gone out shooting together like we said we would  
JADE: i cant wait to do that. After we get back, i mean.  
DAVE: can i come along   
DAVE: ill bring my portable speakers and make some sick raps about your skillz  
DAVE: make sure legends about it are carried on for generations through holy consort hymns  
JADE: haha! yes dave i think we’d like that :)  
KARKAT: HOW ABOUT ME  
KARKAT: I CAN’T MAKE MUSIC FOR SHIT BUT I’LL MAKE MY BEST ATTEMPTS AT DEPICTING THE SCENE THROUGH SHITTY DRAWINGS  
KARKAT: I’M SURE THEY’LL GET HUNG UP IN A CHURCH SOMEWHERE AS HOLY ARTIFACTS. SUITABLY IRONIC, YEAH?  
DAVE: holy shit that is the best idea  
JADE: omg yeah!!!! :D karkat you should definitely come   
KARKAT: YOU CAN COUNT ON IT.   
DAVE: hey jade  
JADE: yeah?   
DAVE: i dont know if ive ever said it so i may as well now  
DAVE: i love you a lot  
JADE: haha. i know, dave. it’s still nice to hear it though  
JADE: i love you too  
JADE: and rose, since she’s eavesdropping on us and looking at you smugly.  
ROSE: Et tu, Jade?   
DAVE: dammit, even now??? werent you busy crying with your girlfriend or something  
DAVE: whatever its no big surprise to say i love you too you pain in the ass  
ROSE: Then I suppose I should admit the sentiment is mutual.  
ROSE: For both of you. And you, Kanaya, though you know that.  
KANAYA: Yes Well One Never Quite Tires Of Hearing It  
ROSE: Even Karkat, to be honest. Where would I be without the gradual destruction of my eardrums?   
KARKAT: HEY!! THIS MOMENT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SENTIMENTAL.  
ROSE: Haha, yes, well. Sarcasm is how I show my affection, I guess.  
JADE: its true though i love you too karkat!!   
JADE: funny to think about it now, hehe. Remember back when we were kids and you were just such an ass???  
KARKAT: GOD, DON’T REMIND ME.  
KARKAT: I’M STILL SORRY ABOUT THAT.  
JADE: oh, i mean, i didn’t mean it like that.  
JADE: it’s just nice to think of how far we’ve all come.  
JADE: weird to think it happened this way because of some giant green jerk, in the end.   
KARKAT: GOD, WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY, YEAH.   
KARKAT: AND, BY THE WAY, WHEN ALL’S SAID AND DONE…  
KARKAT: I LOVE YOU TOO. ALL OF YOU GUYS, AS SAPPY AND AWFUL AS THAT IS TO ADMIT, AND AS MUCH AS I’M SQUIRMING WITH HOW MUCH I CAN’T BELIEVE I SAID THAT.  
JADE: awww :)  
KANAYA: I Would Be Very Glad Things Turned Out This Way To Be Honest  
KANAYA: If It Wasnt For This Latest Dark Gothic Curtain  
ROSE: I love those, though!  
KANAYA: Yes Well  
KANAYA: We Will Simply Have To Agree To Disagree On That One  
JADE: maybe we should thank him.  
JADE: you know, once we finish kicking his ass, that is >:B  
DAVE: haha woah  
ROSE: I do like the sound of that plan.   
ROSE: It should be quite the burn. Let’s do it.   
JADE: yeah!!!!  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: hey john get over here   
JOHN: huh? dave, did you say something?   
JADE: yeah!! get over here john!!!   
ROXY: hey guys whats goin on :3c  
JOHN: haha what’re we talking about over here?  


You didn’t need another mutual admission of affection from the guy, or your teen mom--it was only a couple of hours ago you and John had traded them, and Roxy was sweet enough for you and then some. But you all talk, and you laugh and crack jokes about the ridiculousness of it all, the nervousness, the task at hand. The mood grows lighter and lighter and it doesn’t really sound so bad anymore--just a trivial item to check off the list once again. So what if it needed to happen? You were starting to plain old look forward to kicking stupid green alien ass. 

Something similar seemed to be going on with the other kids, talking to Calliope. Even Terezi, as quiet and focused as she was, had apparently started grinning maniacally--always a good if unnerving sign. All around, the air seemed to grow softer and brighter. The universe was awful, as usual. So what? Love was here, with your friends, with your family, filling in the cracks. And maybe this really was the last step. Maybe you could make it better from now on. 

And then, suddenly, something clicks into place and you feel ready. Rose’s smirk has an edge to it. Jade’s grin, a bite. John’s scowl is aggressive and confident and menacing. You were gods, you were powerful, and if you went to war nothing would stand in your path--not even the closest thing you have to a maker. 

 

Jake digs his pistols out of the pile first--twin and white, silent and deadly. Jane claims her long trident. Jade and Roxy both grab their rifles and wink at each other, trade playful :p’s. Rose mirrors their movement, claims her twin wands. And John lifts his hammer and slams it on his shoulder in one smooth movement, and then everyone’s ready--Dirk wasn’t going to use anything but his anime sword, and you never got a chance to even lose Caledfwlch. 

So that’s it, then. 

Terezi, Calliope, Kanaya and Karkat gather in a group for strength, looking out at the lot of you. Karkat looks so scared still, but he’s putting on a brave face for you, and you appreciate that. You break from your family for a minute and don’t even care when you draw him close, closer, and meet his lips with yours and there are whoops and hollers flooding the room behind you. Fuck if you’re going to deny yourself a possible last kiss over some teasing and embarrassment--

Then you change course. No, fuck that. Not the last. This won’t be the last of anything. 

You rejoin them. You all trade waves--good luck, we believe in you, see you soon then. 

Then there’s a blur and a buzzing, a blue-white static like the sky artifacted, a sensation like John’s hand pulling you forward. And then --


	15. Lordling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ;) *wonk*

It’s a simple setup, bland and dull and new and ancient. It’s fitting, but the air is tight here, like there’s only just enough of it for this moment, like it has grown sick and stagnant.   
You’re arranged in a loose group, together. In front of you is a dark maroon cape, the back of a green head--hard and reptilian.   
He does not seem to move. Next to him is a purple-clad clown, friendly and waving, like you are welcome guests. His eyes are drowsy and placid but there is an edge of cruel malice buried deep in them. Behind him in the distance, a small metal bunny. Uncertain, processing. Wavering? God, you hope so. 

He turns. Slowly. Like a crypt creaking open, like a guillotine on a pendulum, like seconds ticking past too slow and too fast to keep track of. When his eyes come to a rest on your party--your family, you have to fight a shiver. His eyes are an alien flashing, a painful unknowable malice. But that isn’t what gets under your skin. Instead, it’s the smile. The smile Caliborn gives you. That smile is a species of rabid glee, mouth broken and split open like a damaged maw of flesh, like rotting things, like the empty places in every corner of the universe. The worst thing is that smile communicates something else, something other than malice. 

It’s something like knowing, it’s a lack of surprise. Like he was waiting for you.   
Like you’re a memory he had lived through and forgotten and remembered again.   
And worse yet… it’s a welcome. 

It’s a smile that says _Nice to see you again, old friends._

There’s a beat. And then his hands are on a red chest and it is open wide, you almost move to interrupt but then purple and grey and white in front of you so instead you slice, a clean break, juggalo in two halves resting at your sides. 

But it’s too late. There’s white in the sky, a light, a symbol--impossible to say for what. For God? For life? For all of you, added together? For a purity so distilled it can no longer be recognized, let alone defined. 

There’s the laughter of a shrill, petty tyrant. And then screaming--yours? Theirs? All of you?  
John, Jade, Rose, Dave--they’re being twisted up into that light, they’re being stretched horribly into it, you think you can hear yourself screaming _no no no no no_ but there’s no response to follow it, no action that makes sense as an answer to this. 

Then it’s over, and they’re gone--a harsh slamming of his hands once again forcing shut the chest. He immediately starts hitting it with his ringed finger--no, slamming it, pummeling it with brute force like it’s worthless, like it isn’t holding the hearts he tore out of your chests.   
It shimmers and then it wavers and then it’s gone. 

This latest staggering, incredible brutality acted upon you, he faces you again.

Your eyes quickly take stock. It’s you, Roxy, Jake, and Jane. Your first group of friends.

_His_ first group of friends.

Everyone else is still frozen, shellshocked. So when he takes a step and you read it like a book--aiming for Jane, a fist to the neck-- you do the only thing you can do, the only thing you’re any good at. 

You act.


	16. Get Up

KARKAT: SO. THEY’RE GONE.  


His voice is choked. His eyes are watery and wandering. So are Kanaya’s. So are Terezi’s. So are yours, for that matter. You thank god you didn’t fill the sweet, precious mayor in on all this--you don’t think anyone could have handled it if he could understand.

KANAYA: What  
KANAYA: Do We Do Now  
KANAYA: Just Go To Bed Like Nothings Happening  
KANAYA: Just  
KANAYA: Wait  
KARKAT: ABSOLUTELY NOT, PLEASE NO. FUCK EVERY PART OF THAT.  
KANAYA: I Concur  
TEREZI: GOOD B3C4US3 1 H4D 4 F4VOR TO 4SK  
TEREZI: 1’M GO1NG K4RK4T  
TEREZI: 1 D3C1D3D  
TEREZI: 1’M GO1NG TO GO F1ND TH3M 1N TH3 VO1D  
TEREZI: GROUND Z3RO OF WH4T3V3R B4TTL3 1S GO1NG ON B3TW33N LORD 3NGL1SH 4ND VR1SK4  
KANAYA: What  
KARKAT: …  
TEREZI: 1 H4V3 TO S4V3 H3R 1 R3FUS3 TO 4LLOW H3R TO JUST D3STROY H3RS3LF OV3R TH1S BULLSH1T  
TEREZI: 4ND 1 TH1NK 1 S33  
TEREZI: 1 DON’T KNOW  
TEREZI: 1 W4NT TO TRY 4T L34ST 3V3N 1F 1TS JUST W1SHFUL TH1NK1NG  
TEREZI: M4YB3 B3TW33N US TH3R3S 4 W4Y W3 C4N R3V1V3 TH3M OR SOM3TH1NG  
TEREZI: W3 WOULDNT N33D MUCH  
TEREZI: 1F W3 COULD G3T 4 GOD T13R L1F3 PL4Y3R ON OUR S1D3 OF TH3 MORT4L CO1L TH3Y COULD DO TH3 BULK OF TH3 WORK  
TEREZI: TH3 PROBL3M 1S TH3R3S NO W4Y TO KNOW WH4T C1RCUMST4NC3S W3R3 UP 4G41NST  
TEREZI: BUT 1F W3 W1N M4YB3 W3LL H4V3 TH3 T1M3 TO PULL 1T OFF  
TEREZI: 4ND 1F W3 DONT TH3N 1 GU3SS 1T WONT M4TT3R >:[  
KARKAT: I AGREE.  
KARKAT: I’M COMING TOO. KANAYA, WHAT ABOUT YOU?  
KANAYA: What  
KARKAT: WE COULD REALLY USE THE HELP, YOU BEING A SPACE PLAYER AND ALL.  
KARKAT: MAYBE YOU COULD CUT A PATH THROUGH THE VOID FOR US?  
KANAYA: Huh  
KANAYA: Well Im Certainly Not About To Let You Go Off Alone  
KANAYA: And Perhaps My Abilities As A Healer Will Prove Useful  
KANAYA: Its Certainly Better Than Staying Here I Guess So  
KANAYA: Insane Mission To Save Vriska It Is Then  
CALLIOPE: w-wait!!!!!!!!!!! U_U  
CALLIOPE: so yoU’re ALL leaving?  
CALLIOPE: coUld i come too, perhaps? it soUnds dreadfUl staying here by myself -U-  
TEREZI: 1’M SORRY C4LL1OP3 BUT W3 C4NT  
CALLIOPE: bUt i--  
TEREZI: L1ST3N  
TEREZI: 4S TH1NGS ST4ND YOU’R3 TH3 ONLY ON3 OF US WHO W1LL B3 L3FT  
TEREZI: BUT YOU’R3 4 SP4C3 PL4Y3R 4ND MOR3 TH4N TH4T YOU’R3 4 M4ST3R CL4SS ON3 4T TH4T  
TEREZI: 1F W3 F1GUR3 3V3RYTH1NG OUT WHO TH3 H3LL KNOWS WH3R3 W3’LL 3ND UP OR HOW W3’LL F1ND OUR W4Y B4CK  
TEREZI: W3 N33D SOM3ON3 TO 4CT 4S 4 B34CON FOR US  
TEREZI: NOBODY BUT YOU 1S B3TT3R 3QU1PP3D FOR TH4T  
TEREZI: DO YOU UND3RST4ND  
CALLIOPE: i….yes U_U  
CALLIOPE: bUt...........what if yoU dont come back?  
CALLIOPE: or what if yoU try, bUt i cant do as yoU ask?  
TEREZI: 1’M GONN4 S4Y  
TEREZI: DON’T WORRY 4BOUT TH4T  
TEREZI: W3’LL B3 F1N3  
TEREZI: B3L13V3 1N US 4ND TH3 HUM4NS  
TEREZI: 1 H4V3 4 GOOD F33L1NG 4BOUT 4LL TH1S >:]  


She draws her rocket pack from her sylladex, takes Karkat and Kanaya’s hands. Karkat gulps, like he hadn’t realized what was coming. Her hands are shaking, just a little, and you wonder how much of that speech had been for her own sake as much as yours.

TEREZI: 4S FOR YOUR OWN 4B1L1TY  
TEREZI: LOOK   
TEREZI: NON3 OF US WOULD B3 H3R3 W1THOUT YOU FR4NKLY  
TEREZI: R3PORTS S4Y 4NOTH3R V3RS1ON OF YOU W4S OR 1S OR W1LL B3 CRUC14L TO WH4T3V3R 1T 1S TH4T ULT1M4T3LY WR3CKS LORD 3NGL1SH’S SH1T  
TEREZI: 4ND WH4T3V3R YOU TH1NK TH4T M34NS FOR YOU TH4T POT3NT14L 1S 1N YOU  
TEREZI: B3L13V3 1N YOURS3LF TOO  
TEREZI: TH1NK OF 1T 4S YOUR W4Y TO S4Y FUCK YOU TO YOUR BRO  
TEREZI: TOG3TH3R W3’R3 GO1NG TO M4K3 SUR3 H3 KNOWS 4LL OF H1S BULLSH1T 1S WORTHL3SS TO US  
TEREZI: 4ND R3M3MB3R  
TEREZI: YOU GOTT4 B3 PR3TTY FUCK1NG COOL TO ROLL W1TH US! >:]  


They blast off and in a whisk of smoke and fire they’re gone in the distance--Karkat’s shouting the only thing that lingers. 

But you’re not upset. She was right, after all.  
A small smile sits on your face. You start walking, off towards Jane and Jade’s home.  
Your home.  
Best to be comfortable when trying to focus on a task, yes?  
_Good riddance to you, you brute,_ you think.  
You were going to win this game in the end. 

As you walk, the stars seem to get brighter for a moment. You think at first it's your imagination.  
Then they widen again. Yawn larger still.  
Until suddenly they devour the sky, devour everything you could see, and then--  
Nothing.

### 

You’ve never moved through the air so fast before, never reached quite this velocity. The stars blur and blur and blur past, faster than should be possible--is Kanaya making this path for you, this shortcut, or is she just finding it where it always was? It’s impossible to tell. 

Suddenly you run out of stars and there’s just black, black, black ahead. A feeling like sliding through a soft, cool bubble--and suddenly, as easy as that, you’re nowhere. It’s black, black, black. The pinpricks of light and sanity far behind you. No green sun in sight yet, but far in the distance, to the left, you get an impression of inky dark movement, like an enormous tentacle, like a column of flesh writhing like a tower collapsing in this silent black. 

There’s a plunge in your stomach somewhere. Well. Here you are. This is where you led your friends. This is what you wanted. Would the gods be graceful? Would you find your way back home?

No, you think. Right now, you don’t want to. You want to find your way to Vriska, and nothing else. Karkat is tense and holding in a scream and you can feel panic off him in waves. Kanaya is glowing for all your sakes, a comforting candle. Still, both their eyes look only at the nothing, laying in wait dead ahead. 

You know what brought them this far. Karkat reminds himself of red eyes behind black sunglasses. Kanaya reminds herself of a hand tucking loose hair behind an ear and under a hairband. They both think of the gross injustice of it all, the dead and the dreaming abandoned, stomped under the heel of some obscene cosmic asshole. So fucking stupid. 

You remember long hair, unruly and wild, tossing and turning in the wind of life and circumstance. A wicked sharp grin and big eager eyes--a fool’s eyes, upon discovering false treasure. Somewhere in this endless place, you remind yourself, another you and another her meet once again, and they gaze on the havoc and fallout of all this chaos together.

Fuck all her plans and dreams of grandeur. You’ve got bigger goals. 

It’s nothing but a whisper, a suggestion. Is that a glint of white in the distance? A soft blur of green? Kanaya doesn’t miss it. Suddenly she’s leading you, her presence a whisper of secrets, the playing out of a forgotten formula, building structure where there is none, making meaning of inanity. 

You move forward, deeper and deeper into the black.

### 

In the circular hall, Heart and Time symbols mix together on the floor in intricate designs. Three alien beings blur and glow and shimmer above them. Davepeta plays the beats from vinyls Jasprose picks out for them, and when they’re done Arquisprite takes and breaks them with a twitch of his fingers. He starts sweating heavily, immediately. Gross, AND annoying. 

Not that it matters. All the beats and samples are stored on your ridiculous sprite magic-based hypercomputer, obviously the vinyls just tell you give you ideas for what to play next.  
It is a game, it is a joke, it is, for all any of you know, one final hang out. The wisdom, the white-blue knowing of Skaia, fills you all now.

All of them but one is gone now. And something is coming, something is coming. 

Arquisprite grows still and attentive, tosses the next vinyl to shatter on the ground instead of making a big show of using his hands to do it. He says it is time for him to go, he feels it like a calling. You would almost ask if he’d be fine, but it’s fine--you know he will be.  
Nobody can get through the void quite like a void player.  
He flies and he exits and he’s gone.  
You and Jasprose look at each other.  
This is pretty exciting, you think. Though you won’t pretend there isn’t a preferable outcome.  
Are you Dave? Are you Nepeta? Or are you truly, genuinely someone entirely new now?  
And what about Jasprose? Is the Jaspers part of her enough to render her unique?  
What about her sprite squared status?

Pretty soon, you were going to get answers to that, and though you’re pretty confident, you can’t help but feel a little nervous. Nobody wants to die, after all.

You breathe a sigh of relief anyway. This was the quickest path to this result, which probably means it’s the only one that matters. You suspect that the loosening grip of the timeline had been meant to give those kids a taste of what they’d been missing--get them motivated.  
Who really knew, though? Skaia and the Horrorterrors remained completely fucking inscrutable, as always. 

Still, you could feel it so close now that you’d done all you needed to. A convergence is coming, some great white _mixing_ , and even if you were at ground zero you still have no idea what exactly it is. A few good guesses, though. 

Suddenly there’s a whiteness, like a shimmer, like a symbol you’ve seen once in the distance, after he knocked you flat and away, a kind of light that made you ache and chime and feel like you were being pulled into halves, a light that struck terror into your heart and made you _run_ \--

And everything is gone.


	17. Savior of the Waking World

_CRASH!_ The weight of Caliborn’s fist against the metal of your katana. It pushes you up against Jane, sends sparks flying but leaves no apparent damage on him. 

Just as soon as you spot him he’s gone again and you hear an OOF and an OW that you know too well--Jake, clutching at his stomach, his glasses knocked off his face. Roxy, hissing deep, blood--fuck, _blood_ \- coming from her thigh. 

You don’t even manage to spot him before Jane gives a shout, barrels into you--your katana bites into your ear but you manage to get out of the way before it hurts her, aim it at the ground. It stops your fall but the hilt slams deep into your gut and then double when Jane presses down against you. You try to breathe and fail miserably. 

A grunt from her and a smack that makes you sick to hear and her pressure is off you--she’s on the floor, rolling towards Jake. Fuck. _Fuck._ How is this happening so quickly? You catch a glimpse of Caliborn at last, smug and loathsome, his grin as hollow as his vacant strobing eyeballs. 

Roxy screams, aims her rifle, and he’s on her in a second--tears it out of her hands and snaps it like a stick, kicks her hard in the ribs and then she’s down for the count. God _damnit!_ You can’t tell if you’re screaming or just thinking it so loud. He’s half petty smirk, half petulant scowl--you can’t decide which is more disdainful. 

He’s on you again but you’re ready and you slice and he has to dodge--he shifts but you’re already twisting for his next position, you pirouette like a dancer on a string, trying to cover every angle possible. In some places white flash meets green skin but it never breaks, never enters, and the flashes you catch of his smile make you feel wrong--like he’s toying with you somehow. But fucking fine, so long as he’s on you. So long as he’s not hurting anyone. 

But he is, you think, god damnit. Jane is curled up over herself, her glasses shattered, an ugly gash along the length of her arm. Roxy is just starting to get up again but the bleeding from her leg is deep and fluid and there’s a pool of it growing under her. Jake isn’t...moving, fuck he isn’t moving--

It speeds you up, somehow, panic and frenzy driving you wild, terror making you hungry for blood. Sparks start to fly more sudden, faster. His expression changes a little, like maybe he’s having to try. Good. Good. Anything to keep him off of them. Anything to keep him-- 

You don’t register pain, exactly. Just pressure, and a difficulty moving. It blooms in you like fire once your eyes fall on his knee shoved deep in your crotch. A dirty hit--go figure. You can’t do anything when he rears back and kicks you hard in the arm, forces your sword clattering groundsward, sends you flying opposite the grey tiles and rubble to the far side of the stage, further from your friends, further from salvation.

Perfect. 

There’s something almost angry about him now. Hurt that you might have put up a challenge. Nothing you can do about it now but good, Good, he’s focused and distracted. Maybe they can get away, maybe they can run, maybe they can--

Red bursts into your head, smothering thought, shutting out vision. You hear a crack somewhere and you’re not sure if that screaming was your own--was that a rib? A leg? An arm? Your world is pain, red endurance. Wildly you think _good, finally, a meaning to this Prince of Heart shit I can be proud of._ To save them from this, to give them a chance, you’re only too happy to think you can achieve that by destroying yourself. 

More yelling? Yours? His? You think neither but you can’t be sure--your only doubt is you think you liked the voice of that one. Impossible to make anything out. You hope not, though. Me, focus on me, you think, you try to will it from him. As long as he’s hurting you he can’t hurt anybody else. 

Somehow, through red and agony you open your eyes. He’s not focused on you, staring off in the opposite direction. Gotta change that. You reach towards him with your arm--purple and mangled. Your fingers have to be broken, jesus christ it hurts so much to close them. But you do it anyway, tight, around his shitty red cape. 

He does not look down at you. You failed. Time to try harder.

You’re trying to find the strength to yank when suddenly the white envelops you. 

It’s flooding, it’s clouds, it’s cotton and milk. It’s the taste of Jake on your lips, in your hands, in your head. It’s a river you’re floating on, it’s taking you home, back to love, back to the side with the people you finally believe want you. It’s...soothing, and cool, and it doesn’t stop the hurting but it helps it. 

It’s Jane who catches you--she’s never held you, but you recognize the grip and comfort of her immediately. The flow of her is shaky and jittery and overwhelming--she’s scared, you guess--but it still feels amazing, better than anesthetic, like water washing away the pain entirely. 

You open your eyes to a world that’s blinding. White whirls and churns everywhere, like a breeze around you but just a few feet in the distance it is a maelstrom. You can see Caliborn in there, a sick mix of green and red, tossing and whirling and overwhelmed. You look to your right and see Jane looking up at you. It’s only once you take her in entirely that you realize that Roxy is to your left. There’s a limp to her still but she’s better, somewhat--not much more pain than a grimace’s worth, if how you feel is any indication. 

Resplendent and shining Jake stands above you all, a guardian angel, a protector. His words are full and huge and echoing: 

 

# GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY BOYFRIEND.

  
You’re surprised when Jane laughs.

JANE: Well, aren’t you a lucky one, mister?   
DIRK: Heheh. Yeah, I guess I am.  
DIRK: But it’s not like it’s just me. Can’t you feel that?  
JANE: …?  
ROXY: woa :O  


It’s there, in the white, in the misty marshmallow glimmers. The way he feels, you guess?  
The desire to protect, the intense admiration, the unyielding gratitude. The love. So much love. He overflows with it, drowning in himself--for you, for Roxy, for Jane. There’s so much of it he doesn’t know what to do with himself, how to express it, how to acceptably practice decorum and honesty in tandem. 

He’d say yes to anything. He’d be down for anything. He wants for nothing but to be able to call you his friends. 

Your eyes threaten to water a little, though you’ll never admit it--you can see Jane and Roxy share the sentiment. But there’s still work to be done. You take a step and oh, nevermind, you were wrong--this hurts a lot worse than a grimace. But Jane is hurt just as badly, and you’re sure by now she’s exhausted. You just need a little more. You just have to get this job done. 

Just as you start taking aim at him, pink force starting to gather, the storm of Jake English goes as suddenly as it arrived. Spent and unresponsive he starts falling back aground--Roxy’s already on it, catching him midair, bringing him home to the two of you. Finally, you’re together again. All of you. 

Caliborn lays on the ground, thank god. Who knows what’s going on with him, but it’s giving you time that’s sorely needed. God, this hurts so badly. Lightning churns and zaps and licks at you, biting deep where you’re wounded, claiming its price, giving you a taste of the oblivion you were bent on delivering. 

If Jane is spent she isn’t showing it. She lifts you up, does her best to heal the pieces of you--like she’s always done, you guess. You hope you’re saying it out loud when you say sorry about everything, but you can’t tell over the roaring of the thunder in your mind.  
White-pink something strikes home on Caliborn’s shoulder and he’s snapped out of his reverie, and he’s up so quickly, you know with a sense of despair you won’t be able to finish this, you just don’t have the strength to go any fast--

And then, suddenly, impossibly, a neigh. Several neighs. They wake Jake up. They throw Caliborn off-balance and suddenly he seems uncertain and childlike, his face growing wide with horror when the first of the robot horses enters onto the scene.

You can’t help but giggle a little. Jane snickers. Roxy softly mouths _what the fuuuuck._  
Jake straight up laughs, too astounded and bewildered to have any words for this. But his arm is around your hip, now, and his other hand is on Jane’s shoulder, and you don’t care how badly it hurts you’re so happy just to be here like this. God, you _love_ horses. 

 

Lightning focused, grown thicker, more precise, louder and stronger. Suddenly, out of nowhere, white-red arms close around Caliborn. Long, red, sweaty hair and a broken grin stare back at you. Cracked red anime glasses shimmer and you know they can see you, you know _he_ can see you. 

 

He nods at you. Your heart breaks a little, somehow, even though you didn’t know you had a spot for him in there anymore. You suppose it’s a good thing if it hurts this much.  
But you’re good at ignoring pain, and there’s no way around it: you’re not getting a second chance. 

Lightning takes a bite out of Caliborn, finally seems to loosen him somehow. Your own storm gathers, an inward gust, a sucking tearing howl, pulling him out of himself. The half of juggalo laying nearby is picked up and flies, disintegrates, turns to loose purple fog turned in on yourself. You think Caliborn is shouting, is he shouting? Who cares. Too soon if you never have to hear another word out of his shitty mouth. 

 

The thought focuses you. Zap thrust stretch yank. Like undoing a knot, like opening up a puzzle, you tear at the borders of Caliborn, make him foggy, undo his wretched boundaries.  
Jane’s hand on your shoulder. Roxy’s pushing up on the small of your back. Jake’s holding you at the hip. They give you strength, they feed you power, they grant you life and hope and rest and love and you know they can see it in the light and the crackle that you do this the same way you do everything, the same way you get up in the morning, the same way you fall asleep at night: 

You do it for love. You do it for _them_. 

And with a single hard last PULL the lightning gathers and zaps and claws him out of himself. It catches Arquisprite, too, and just like that he’s gone as well. Red and green and red and white mix together with the purple up above, an awful cloud of being and essence. You try and you try to reduce it to nothing but it’s no good, it won’t give in.

And that’s when you spot it. 

Lil Cal.

Well, it’s just too good not to, isn’t it? Too ironic to pass up. Fine, if he wants it so bad, he can fucking have it--you have something better. You have your friends. 

It’s so cliche and trite and the staggering, obvious stupidity of it all is so evident that you can’t help it, as you twist and you force them into the doll you howl, a high wild laugh. They don’t care--the people you love more than anything in paradox space, they just hold you tight and keep you down, keep some part of you grounded somehow, while you finally lose your hold on yourself and finish this one… last…. impossible task.

And then it’s done.

The doll shivers and sweats, it’s eyes spinning and searching for you all, a creature in the throes of a nightmare. It’s sick. You stand around it. Your heart aches for it, for AR. But mostly it just aches because it’s so tired. 

No words pass between any of you--it seems wrong, awful even, to speak where it can hear. Roxy bends, and touches it as little as possible--cloaks it in black, fades it to nothing.

And then it’s over. Lil Cal is gone. 

A second passes. Two seconds. Or as those breaths? Does time exist here? You look out across the dull grey stage-- further out, more dull grey wasteland. 

You all stand there, frozen, sure some other thing must now come to pass.  
Nothing stubbornly continues to happen.

JAKE: We...we won, yeah?  
ROXY: i   
ROXY: i think so yea  
JANE: I...can’t really believe it.   
DIRK: Me either.   


You stand there, together in this deadland. You jolt with surprise when Jane starts to laugh.

JANE: Gosh, I’m sorry, I just--ppfffhehehehehe!!!!  
JANE: What do we...what do we do now?  


She’s looking at you, waiting for you to catch up to something, daring you to follow the light of logic in her eyes. What DO you do now? You’re nowhere, you’re vacant, can Roxy even get you out of this place? What about your friends? Your family? What was next?

You catch it. A wry smile takes over your face. It should be heartbreaking. It should fill you with despair. Instead it’s the first joke you and Jane have shared in ages, and fuck, she’s right--it’s hilarious. Roxy and Jake look between you both, waiting to be let in, nonplussed but patient.

DIRK: Hehehe  
DIRK: You’re right.  
DIRK: We wait, I guess!   
JANE: Pffffhahahahahahahaha!!!!   
JANE: Oh christ, it’s just too good, isn’t it?   
JANE: After all this time, nothing changes.   


You’re giggling suddenly, an idiot, like a child. It should be awful but you feel so light and free, there’s nothing left to do now but wait once again. Roxy catches up to you and she snorts, an indignant sort of humor in her--but she’s smiling, too. It clicks for Jake last but he hoots and hollers like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard. His arms close around your shoulder and Jane’s and you’re sure if he could they’d take in Roxy, too, like he wants to keep you all inside him somehow. 

You’re still fighting a chuckle when you say

DIRK: That’s not quite true, right, though?  
DIRK: We’ve changed, I think. We’re...better, right?  
DIRK: Things between the four of us, I mean.   
DIRK: A-aren’t they?  
ROXY: well you all kno you good on my end thats no news at all   
JAKE: Well gosh i do think i’d say so on my end but i believe you know that, too :B  
JANE: Haha, well, to be honest I was about to say yes.  
JANE: But before I prove too hasty…  


She looks reserved, guarded for a moment. Like she’s performing some calculation. Her eyes linger meeting yours, dart to Jake and back again. You think you know where this is going. You practically hear her say Fuck It.

JANE: Dirk, I hope you won’t resent me for this.  
JANE: Could I ask for one kiss from your boyfriend?   
JAKE: Woah nelly! :O  
JANE: Sorry, Jake--I suppose I should be asking you as well.   
JANE: I don’t...it’s not like I still feel it, like I used to, anyway.  
JANE: I just thought, I’m tired of biting my tongue on everything.  
JANE: I figured if it doesn’t happen now, when will I ever ask?   
JAKE: Haha, yes well um…  


Jake glances at you, flustered and nervous. You marvel at how even a month ago the thought would make you sick to your stomach. But now...well, you love him. You love Jane, too. And in the face of immortality, what’s a few stray kisses between friends?

DIRK: Don’t look at me, dog. I’m not the boss of anybody.   
DIRK: But I’m not getting jealous, if it makes you feel better.   
JAKE: O-oh, i see...well, shucks buster.  
JAKE: To be honest, i have always been pretty curious so if dirk doesnt mind then...  
JAKE: I’d be honored, jane!  
JANE: Shucks buster, huh? :B  
JAKE: Oh shit im sorry i dont think i ever officially requested usage of that back i--  
JANE: Jake. It’s fine.  


She barely floats up at all, just enough to draw Jake down and into her. Their lips meet and it doesn’t feel like you’re losing anything at all. It’s nice, even. When they pull apart both of their cheeks are flushed and red and they’re breathing a little harder than they were before. Roxy distracts you with her lips, a strong loud smooch blasting on your cheeks. Jake and Jane watch, soft eyes and wide smiles. Heheh, so this is what’s happening, now? Sure, then.  
You return Roxy’s kiss softly, gently, you only have to lean down a little to plant your own kiss on her forehead. You smile at each other. You made it. You made it. 

Jake and Jane meet you halfway. When your lips meet his you don’t bother with platitudes, your tongue goes deep and tastes salt where it finds him. He responds eagerly and furiously, you think you feel his hand wander on you. So. It turns out all that worrying about girls was pointless-- he still seems quite into this. You’re breathing hard when he lets go of you, too. 

Jane and Roxy kiss on the cheeks, but then their lips wander and meet each other--why not try another new thing? It does much to fill up the emptiness in this wasteland. Jake kisses Roxy last, friendly and delicate, not so much a sign of romance as it is an admission of long years of loneliness, softened by shared friendship. When they break and turn to you it’s downright expectant, and to be honest you were looking forward to playing your last part. 

You lift Jane up and swing her in a circle above you, she’s light and breezy but you still cringe at the hurt in your body at the motion of it all. A chuckle is all it gets out of you, though. Jane gives you a kiss of your own on the forehead, and you return hers on the cheek.

Your bizarre, sudden ritual complete, all of you start to laugh again.  
It echoes and rebounds against the railings and concrete and tiles, all shades of grey, all silent except for your friendship. Will you stay here forever? Is this all that’s left in the end? You want to go home. You suppose Roxy could take you back, or she could try, at least. But who could know if she’d be successful? And anyway, how could you want to, without them? 

You collapse against the dull grey wall, hefty and crumbling. Grey railings and structures, bones to some half-finished edifice. A simple stage, and outside it, endless grey distance--in the rubble of the ground, in the shading of the sky, in everything.  
But at least you have Jake’s hand on your thigh, and Jane’s on your shoulder. Roxy sits across from the three of you and says you look cute, and you agree. 

You crack a joke and everyone laughs. It thrills you. Wasn’t this what you’d waited for, fought for, planned for all those long lonely years? You wonder how and why you ever let it slip past you any longer than you needed to. It’s bright and comforting, the people you love most in the world surrounding you.

Well. Almost. There’s that deep unsettling note of fear and discomfort, still. Once again, your families were torn from you. Once again, there was only one real option. 

You are the nobles, and you wait. 

But this time, you wait together. 

Jake’s hand in yours on your thigh, the weight of him pressing on your one side and Roxy on the other, Jane’s weight against her threatening to tip you, you feel like just about the luckiest guy in the world.

When the white comes and swallows you up it doesn’t even scare you, you don’t even worry a little. The feeling of them is such a comfort that it’s just like falling asleep.


	18. An Unbreakable Union

You’re falling, falling, you’re broken and twisted and spread thin and distant from yourself. The world is white. You’re falling through white and you don’t know how you know that because your eyes can’t quite see, exactly. Who are you? Who are you? Your mind scrambles to make sense of itself, to form coherency, to resolve into a form. 

# A YOUNG MAN STANDS IN HIS BEDROOM, CAKE AND POSTERS STREWN LOOSELY ABOUT….

You think you remember something for a moment. A dream? A fever? It’s burning here, it’s freezing here, there’s a sensation of movement but it’s impossibly fast. Are you alone? Is that a hand, brushing against you? Do you have hands, do you have arms? 

# A YOUNG GIRL STANDS IN HER BEDROOM, A STORM OF WATER AND FIRE AND CLOTH AND NIGHT SWIRLING AND HOWLING….

 

You try to reach for names, for places, for feelings. Mom Dad Bro Bec. Rose Dave Jade John. Who? Who are they? Who are you? Who is that? Blood pooling under a chest pinned by a sword like a mosquito on a pin, like a giant on a tower that glistens. Blood pooling around hands that just narrowly failed to reach each other. A union that absorbs you, that consumes you, that leaves you nothing but your love. 

# A YOUNG MAN STANDS IN HIS BEDROOM, A QUAKE OF HEAT AND MOISTURE SHAKING IN HIS CHEST....

 

You find something to hold on to in the pain of it. A snout furrowing into your hip, seeking affection, providing it, to be betrayed by you in the end. An awful, nervous air surrounding you, staring up at broad shoulders and strong hands. A sigh of frustration, a form sleeping on the couch immobile, unresponsive, leaving you to clean up the new mess. A note saying I AM SO PROUD OF YOU that aches in you because you’ll never get to say thank you. 

It’s painful. It’s worse than anything. You don’t let go. Why? What do you remember?  
Why don’t you want to forget? 

# A YOUNG GIRL SLEEPS IN HER GARDEN, CLOUDS OF LOVE AND TRAGEDY FLOODING THOUGHT OUT OF HER HEAD...

A word: Pester. An image of an image of text painted onto a screen with electricity.  
A message from a world away, a bridge between two islands, the meeting of a friend.

Blue Orchid Lime Red. 

You tear at it for meaning, you wield the colors like weapons against the vast white blank. You catch a splash--is it on yourself? On someone struggling with you in this field? They’re filled in with purple and orange, a blotch in nothing. There’s black clogging up your chest. You recognize those colors. You think: _I love you, I want you, fight with me, come back._ “There’s still something worth fighting for.” Half thought and half memory. 

An old regret fills you, one you don’t recognize. Questions you should have posed, words you should have said. Curiosities you might have satisfied, at least. It aches but you hold onto the feeling of it, more flood in and you make use of them--you wish he’d known how you loved him, rakish and slouching, eyes hidden behind black panes, teeth hidden behind a pout. Your best friend. One of them? You wish when he’d said how he loved you you hadn’t responded “I know,”, that you’d said instead what a relief it was to hear. You hope he can hear you, wherever this is. Are you dead? Is this real? 

Blue and red on the sides of you both, closing out the whiteness, sealing your circle tight, as if to answer your doubt. Arms grip at yours and hold you up--yes! Of course! Your lovers, your partners, your friends. One of you laughs or cries or maybe all of you do both. You hold each other, still falling, the only sure thing in the world these arms. 

Rose--her name is Rose--calls you, gives you your name back. She might try to speak but there are no words here, only sentiment. Only thoughts, only

ROSE: Jade! You saved us!   
JADE: what did I do??????  
ROSE: I have no idea!!!!!  
JADE: HAHA!!!!   


And suddenly it occurs to--to Dave? To Rose? To both or all of you? It comes up in a shimmer through the white, like a memory, a blink of soft purple saying 

TT: Could you give a message to John for me?   


What a time to be curious about that. But whatever, it's a memory, it's a shared thread, and when you think about it it makes you want to know more, makes you remember more, fills in more of the details that make you yourself. So you chase it. 

DAVE: so what DID you want to tell him?  
ROSE: Just that getting married didn’t sound half bad.  
JOHN: what????? But you and--  
ROSE: Kanaya, of course. And Roxy, for you. But you know, this was before all that.   
JOHN: Hehe, yeah. I’m happy to know still :)  
ROSE: I know. I’m glad Dave gave me the chance to say.   
DAVE: now? of all times? little late dont you think  
ROSE: No, fuck that.   
JADE: What happened to us?  
ROSE: Fuck that, too. Shenanigans. It doesn’t matter, focus on yourselves, on keeping us together.   
ROSE: HEY, JADE!!!!!   
JADE: YEAH, ROSE???  
ROSE: YOU SHOULD JOIN ME AND KANAYA ON A DATE SOMETIME ;)   
JADE: Wait--what?? You mean, uh...like that???  
ROSE: Oh yes ;)))  
JOHN: !!  
DAVE: uuuuhhh, wow WHAT am i listening to  
ROSE: No offense, John--I’d extend the offer to you as well, but Kanaya isn’t into guys like that.  
ROSE: That, and it’d be pretty weird, what with Roxy.   
JOHN: oh, ummm…..no worries, haha!! I feel the same way, to be honest :B  
JADE: Haha wow, I mean, I dunno I wasn’t expecting this...i’ll have to think about that!  
ROSE: Good. Think about it. Keep focused. Just so you know, the offer was genuine.   
DAVE: well while we’re on the subject if it isnt too awkward then  
ROSE: It probably will be. Say it.  
DAVE: stfu rose  
JADE: Hehe  
DAVE: Haha!  
DAVE: So uh jade, john, both of you, whichever  
DAVE: Just fyi im p sure the dave and karkat smooch station is open to both of you  
DAVE: If you, uh. if you wanna ride it sometime  
JOHN: fuck, dave. ride it!? are you serious??   
JADE: O_O  
ROSE: Oh my ;D  
DAVE: FUCK  
DAVE: NO I MEANT LIKE  
DAVE: no wait actually i guess i meant that exactly  
DAVE: look i knew this’d be weird but whatever its out there  
JADE: Well jeez suddenly i have a LOT to think about!!  
JADE: Both of your relationships seemed so...exclusive, to me  
DAVE: well we are  
ROSE: We are.  
ROSE: But what’s a few threesomes in the face of eternity?  
DAVE: or foursomes  
ROSE: DAVE!!!  
JOHN: D: dude, gross!!!!!  
JADE: X(((((  
DAVE: what what did i say   
JOHN: me and jade are RELATED, remember!!!!  
DAVE: oh right shit woops  
DAVE: i didnt actually but youre right  
DAVE: good thing even when im apparently not sure im real i still know thats true for me and rose   
DAVE: guess she made things weird and uncomfortable enough times  
ROSE: Always happy to be of service, Dave.   
DAVE: well im glad even in this bizarre eldritch non-space i can still fucking embarass myself  
DAVE: whatever its just something karkat mentioned once  
DAVE: there now you can all be grossed out at him instead  
JADE: Eeewwwwww dave, so uncool ):  
JOHN: and here i was just barely thinking i might be interested!  
DAVE: wait what really  
JOHN: well, not anymore!!  
DAVE: oh  
JOHN: haha jk, just don’t fucking say that ever again  
JOHN: i dunno though to be honest, never really thought about it  
JOHN: i’d have to see how roxy feels about it :P   
JOHN: and itll definitely have to wait until i know how I feel about...all of that. stuff. get used to stuff with her, maybe.  
ROSE: For once, I wish I could skip out of an overtly sexual conversation about family.  
DAVE: stfu you deserve it  
DAVE: well i dont think any of us will know how we feels about it until it happens so  
DAVE:lets say good enough for me i guess   
JOHN: Heheh  
DAVE: Heheh  
ROSE: Gross. I will not be one-upped in wresting the harleyberts from the twisted claws of heterosexuality like this, Strider.   


Rose pushes, or pulls? Some force is exerted and you’re all drawn closer, a rush of light and color in bloom. This closely all you can feel from her is Kanaya. The temporal dance of courtship, the fear, the admiration, the desire. She wants her back so badly. You can relate. She doesn’t let go of her for a second, _a forgive me, dearest_ somewhere in her heart but her eyes are bright, her lips are playful, and she’s entangled with Jade now somehow without letting go of you at all. 

There’s a suggestion of purple hand sweeping at black star-filled hair and an impression of You gulping and wondering, your dog ears ( _thats right she has dog ears you remember now and how could you ever forget_ ) twitch. 

ROSE: I always did want to say sorry, you know.  
JADE: for what?  
ROSE: Our session. Running off, growing distant.  
ROSE: You were right about the gods. Right about Skaia.  
ROSE: I mistrusted it and mistrusted you, and you were always the smartest of us.  
JADE: haha no rose dont be like that!!  
JADE: we needed you, whatever you did it worked didnt it? You saved us.  
JADE: we wouldnt have met the trolls or our family any other way after all  
JADE: and thats better than just winning the game on our lonesome :)  
JADE: plus it was inevitable, wasn’t it?  
DAVE: god yeah but its always fucking inevitable isnt it  
DAVE: im so fucking sick of that like can there be ANY other reason for ANYTHING to happen EVER  
JOHN: heheh. yeah, i hear you.  
ROSE: Whatever. The point is, Jade, I admire you. A lot. I’ve always been so caught up in something or other, I never seemed to find the time to express that.   
JADE: hehe...well, thanks, rose. the feeling’s mutual :)   
JADE: so...were you planning to do more than that? :o  
ROSE: Do you want me to?  
JADE: well... first time for everything, right? Sure, why not ;)  


You know for a fact Dave knows exactly how you’re feeling right now--it’s not every day your sister just starts making out with your once would-be girlfriend. There’s a twinge of horror to it, yeah, but mitigated somewhat--you can after all feel the years between them, the friendship long taken for granted brought close and visceral again with action and intense interest. In a smooth motion, like you synchronized without thinking about it, you and John let go of the girl’s hands and grab them by the shoulders instead, drawing you all closer, drawing you tight together. Unfortunately this has the dual effect of leaving their hands free to wander-- Jade’s free hand lands on your ass, John’s face tells you Rose’s may be similarly occupied. 

With their free hands, they search out each other. Touching leg, fabric, shoulder, chest. Lips meeting, coming apart, meeting again. Jade thrums, like a beat of her Space symbol floods the world--painted in Rose’s golden colors. Rose’s sun floods the side opposite of hers, similarly inked in black and white. It kills the white, overwhelms it, washes over everything. Fine, fuck it, then. Dave’s still grossed out, but you can’t take the absurdity of it anymore, and you break into a laugh. You don’t see it with your eyes but you can see it in your mind, with your heart or soul or whatever, the sprawl of his grin before his own laugh fills your head. God, your lives are a fucking joke--this is ridiculous. 

Good thing you and John are so much taller than the two of them. Your eyes meet and he looks awkward, nervous and--eager? Is that eager? Whatever. Anything is better than feeling hazy and whitewashed in this blank wasteland. A blur of being passes through the white. Dave, in another lifetime, grown and doomed and marvelous--a swordsman, a director, a fighter for resistance. He gave everything for a kid he never got to meet but there’s something else, something he took for himself, something he remembered-- the glasses John gave you, so long ago now. The kind of mark that crosses lifetimes. 

It’s a casual admission, trite almost. Who cares about hiding anything anymore? It’s an obvious thing at this point, an easy thing, to say _thanks for being part of me_. To say _parts of me belong to you_. It’s true of all of you anyway, and it’s nice because this time it just melts the last of the ice between you, that artificial tension. 

DAVE: so  
DAVE: were doing this  
DAVE: were making this happen  


The girls pull apart, not wanting to be caught between your necks and chests. Rose is smirking, bemused and humorous. Jade is grinning, excited and earnest. John is thick and lithe and sprawling, held easily aloft like he’s used to flying, to being detached like this. Somehow the fact that he’s never wanted this before makes it now feel all the better. You think the three of you are all that’s keeping him together, and the thought of that makes it real and makes you want it very badly. You say a little sorry in your heart to Karkat--though you’re sure he wouldn’t begrudge you under the circumstances. 

JOHN: dont meme when we’re about to make out, dave.   


Dave is tense and awkward and lanky. He might be sweating--can bodies sweat here? Do you even have bodies? Who cares, whatever. You gotta admit, it sounds interesting--certainly better than doing nothing in this bizarre hazy hellscape. Somehow the fact that he apparently wanted this all along makes it now feel all the better. You think about how the three of you are all that’s holding him together and that thought makes it real and makes you want it surprisingly badly. You ask for silent permission from Roxy--though you know she’d say go for it, given the circumstances. 

Lips meet. A taste of irony and honesty, sugar diluted in saltwater. When you pull apart your faces are hot and you’re breathing hard. Weird, how you can feel all these sensations but you’re not even sure you’re really feeling them. You don’t need to ask if there was a similar thudding, a trading of color and identity--you felt it. You understand a little better what John’s dad was like. He understands a little better what your Bro was like. 

You remember each other’s rooms differently, like you’d been there instead of just seen pictures. Not during the game, either, but growing up before then. 

Your heads turn. Dave to Jade. John to Rose. By the motherfuckin’ providence of Skaia. 

Jade is warm and sweet and her island was sprawling, beautiful, lonely. You’d had no idea how empty sprawling land could feel. 

Dave is hot and needy and his apartment was tight, sicknasty, terrifying. How sorry you were that he burnt in that heat. 

Rose is soft and tender and her condo was forested, elegant, complicated. If only you had given her water to wash out the bittersweet taste she learned of love. 

John is rough and savory and his house was simple, happy, gone forever. You try to clean at the forgotten places where the storm left glass in his heart. 

You absorb each other, subsume together--romantically, platonically, fraternally, as the circumstance of relationship and emotion demands. No one form is less than the other. You are alone. You are together. You trade memories, feelings, lifetimes, perspectives. 

You take the endless white canvas and paint it over with each other, with yourselves. And in this way you make heaven out of hell.


	19. Skaian Shrapnel

By the time you get there it’s almost enough to make you wish you didn’t.  
You don’t find the green sun. What you find is chaos and oblivion, nothing torn from nothing in a sick black-white cracking scream. A black dot sits in the distance where the sun should be, a green spiral noodle being spun and swallowed into it. 

Implacably and quietly it howls at everything any of you have ever known, tears and shreds the tiny dot of paradox space that has served as this tyrant’s crib and kingdom. The one that in moments will become a coffin, as well, if you have a say in the matter. 

You veer off from the black dot of endless nothing, the white blank growing around it. There, tiny a glistening, a bubble. You rush to it like a bullet, Kanaya building meaning and trajectory out of the nonsense that presses in on all sides. Leading you to ground zero. 

Close. Closer. Closer still. Too fast and unbearably slowly, it’s like waiting to die, waiting to be born. The dot turns into a marble turns into a basketball turns into a meteor turns into a moon. It’s a planet now, wide and yawning, it consumes everything you can see and then with a plop you’re through. 

Everything is happening immediately. There’s Vriska, face to face with the big man himself--what else could you expect? A light above her, white and dazzling, suddenly remakes itself into a...a house? A symbol? Something that makes your head hurt, something unfathomable and familiar. 

Below you is the army--hundreds? Thousands? How many ghosts? How many dreamers? How many versions of you all that were condemned to the slaughterhouse for no reason other than the awful inevitability of his birth? It’s sick. You hate it. It’s a good thing you have a plan and you think it may stand a chance in hell at working. 

There he is, you could smell him anywhere. Sollux--a LIVING sollux. Your Sollux? God, who even knew, probably you guess. Wordlessly you toss Karkat and Kanaya vaguely in his direction, springing your plan into action. You have a part to play, too. 

The great white THING suddenly slams down with a crack, shakes what feels like the whole universe. You can feel a facade of the sound of Earth crashing, only as actual as memory but still a reason for panic. Vriska holds her ground, of course she does, the fucking idiot. You fly, fly, you hope to god this jetpack won’t run out of fuel before you reach her, you hope you can intercept whatever deadly something you can smell building off the strobing and flashing and colors that insane thing is giving off. 

You do. You make contact with her just before some great energy is released from it somehow, let go like a sigh or a shout. You don’t so much sweep her off her feet as you do slam her right out of them, her bewildered shout cut short by the impact. You lose balance and tumble and roll roll roll and there’s a great white writhing SOMETHING behind you, flying and dancing like fireflies or stars focused directly on Lord English. 

 

You scramble back up on your feet immediately. Too much to do to let the pain in your muscles or the exhaustion in your head stop you, flying through the void was just the beginning. You’ve done more on less sleep. You hear her muttered swear and suddenly she’s leaning up on herself--not standing. Maybe she broke something? If so, good. It’ll stop her from doing anything stupid, or at least slow her down.

VRISKA: Urgh........Terezi????????  
VRISKA: WH8T THE HELL????????  
TEREZI: H3Y TH3R3 VR1SK4  
TEREZI: FUNNY RUNN1NG 1NTO YOU H3R3 H3H3H3H3H3H  
VRISKA: Don’t pl8y g8mes with me!  
VRISKA: What the fuck is going on?? Wh8t are you D8ING HERE????????  
TEREZI: W3LL 4 LOT BUT FOR ON3 TH1NG:  
TEREZI: S4V1NG YOUR STUP1D L1F3 YOU FUCK1NG 1D1OT  
VRISKA: I….wh8t????????  
TEREZI: PL34S3 DON’T PR3T3ND 1 DON’T KNOW 3X4CTLY WH4T YOU W3R3 TRY1NG TO DO  
TEREZI: YOU W3R3N’T GO1NG TO L34V3 TH1S PL4C3 WH4T3V3R TH4T TH1NG D1D YOU W3R3 HOP1NG 1T WOULD K1LL YOU  
TEREZI: YOU C3RT41NLY D1DN’T G1V3 4 SH1T WH4T H4PP3N3D TO 4LL TH3 GHOSTS H3R3 31TH3R  
TEREZI: NOT P4RT OF YOUR H3RO1C L3G4CY R1GHT  
TEREZI: BY TH3 LOOKS OF 1T YOU W3R3 4BOUT TO G3T WH4T YOU W4NT3D TOO  
TEREZI: TH4T WH1T3 SH1T SM3LLS D4NG3ROUS 4S FUCK 1 WOULDNT W4NT TO B3 N34R 1T WH1L3 1T DO3S 1TS TH1NG  
TEREZI: GOOD TH1NG YOU’V3 GOT M3 LOOK1NG OUT FOR YOU >:]  
VRISKA: Wh........wh….  
VRISKA: N8!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: This w8s supposed to 8e it!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: I was going to put it all on the line and live or die like a damn H8RO!  
VRISKA: Not get s8ved like some kind of........some fucking…  
TEREZI: L1K3 PUP4 P4N OR SOM3 OTH3R VR1SK4 YOU D3C1D3D W4S T3RR1BL3  
TEREZI: W3LL DON’T WORRY W3’R3 S4V1NG TH3M TOO  
TEREZI: 1’M S4V1NG -H3R- TOO  
VRISKA: WH8T????????  
TEREZI: H4V3NT H4D TH3 CH4NC3 TO T3LL YOU 1 GOT 1N TOUCH W1TH QU1T3 4 LOT OF MY 4LT3RN4T3 S3LV3S  
TEREZI: 1NCLUD1NG ON3 TH4T M3T UP W1TH TH4T VR1SK4 4FT3R YOU TOR3 1NTO H3R  
VRISKA: ........  
TEREZI: TH3Y’R3 TOG3TH3R R1GHT NOW  
TEREZI: SOM3WH3R3 4T TH3 D34D OPPOS1T3 3ND OF TH1S 3NDL3SS C1RCL3 OF M4YH3M 4ND CH4OS  
VRISKA: ........  
TEREZI: YOU L3FT TO F1ND YOUR GLORY 4ND D3C1D3D YOU D1DN’T C4R3 WH4T H4PP3N3D TO M3 OR 4NYON3 4FT3RW4RDS  
TEREZI: BUT TH4T VR1SK4  
TEREZI: SH3’S 4 LOT STRONG3R TH4N YOU  
VRISKA: WH--  
TEREZI: SH3 H4D TH3 GUTS TO PUT H3R H34RT OUT TH3R3  
TEREZI: SH3 TOLD M3 WH4T SH3 R34LLY F3LT WH4T SH3 R34LLY W4NT3D  
TEREZI: SH3 4T L34ST C4R3D 3NOUGH TO B3 SC4R3D OF DY1NG  
TEREZI: SH3 TOLD M3 SO  
TEREZI: 1F SH3 H4D 4 CHO1C3 SH3’D T4K3 TH3 H4RD3R RO4D  
TEREZI: SH3’D CHOOS3 TO L1V3 4ND K33P TH3 R1SK OF FUCK1NG 3V3RYTH1NG UP 4LL OV3R 4G41N  
TEREZI: TH3 WORK OF H4V1NG TO 4LW4YS TRY TO B3 B3TT3R TH4N YOU US3D TO B3 3NDL3SSLY  
TEREZI: 4ND 1’M GO1NG TO G1V3 BOTH OF TH3M TH4T CH4NC3  
TEREZI: US TOO WH3TH3R YOU L1K3 1T OR NOT  
TEREZI: 4LL OF TH3M  
VRISKA: Wh8t are........wh8t are you trying to do????????  
TEREZI: SORRY C4N’T STOP 4ND CH4T 4NY LONG3R 1T LOOKS L1K3 TH3Y’R3 R34DY  
TEREZI: YOU’R3 FR33 TO TRY 4ND H3LP US 1F YOU W4NT BUT DON’T TRY TO STOP US UNL3SS YOU W4NT 4 T4ST3 OF MY C4N3 4G41N  
TEREZI: 31TH3R W4Y TH1S 1S PROB4BLY GO1NG TO HURT YOU  
TEREZI: S33Y4 ON TH3 OTH3R S1D3 S1S >:]  


You leave her behind and even though she screams “W8IT!”, you don’t look back.


	20. Savior of the Dreaming Dead

Kanaya lands gracefully, a perfect three point balance. You land on your arm and thank god none of this bullshit is real because you would’ve broken it otherwise. Somehow it manages to hurt like a bitch anyway. You roll over on Sollux’s stupid monochrome sneakers and shoot your hand up to grab him at the hip.

SOLLUX: whoa what the fuck   
SOLLUX: are you guys aliive???? what the fuck iis going on here  
KARKAT: YOUR BEAUTIFUL MARRIAGE TO IRRELEVANCE IS DEAD, IS WHAT’S GOING ON HERE. WE NEED YOUR HELP, WHERE’S FEFERI.  
KARKAT: A FEFERI, PREFERABLY A GOD TIER OR AT LEAST ONE THAT ISN’T TOO UP HER OWN ASS, COME ON, I KNOW YOU COLLECT THOSE LIKE MIND HONEY.  
SOLLUX: whaaat the FUCK are you talkiing about kk  
KANAYA: The Bottom Line Is   
KANAYA: Were Here To Save Everybody  
KANAYA: This Place Is Going To Fall Apart Completely It Looks Like And Even If Not We Decided Some Of Our Friends Being Resigned To Endless Memory Purgatory Was Bullshit  
SOLLUX: oh ok that sounds pretty cool ii guess.   
SOLLUX: so you need feferii to like...reviive everyone? ghosts cant do that   
KANAYA: No They Cant   
KANAYA: But You Have Experience With Skirting Mortality  
KANAYA: And I Recently Came Into Awareness Of My Abilities As A Healer  
KANAYA: I Dont Think Such A Grasp On Space Would Allow Me To Resurrect Anyone Alone  
KANAYA: But With Your Help We May Be Able To Revive A Competent Feferi  
KANAYA: And With The Aid Of A God Tier Life Player We May Stand A Chance   
SOLLUX: ok cool well shell probably--  
ARADIA:: hey guys!!  
SOLLUX: hey aradiia have fun with your liittle field triip?  
SOLLUX: whats goiing on wiith us oh not much were just gonna try and reviive every siingle fuckiin ghost just the usual  
ARADIA:: yes i had fun it was a blast! and that sounds awesome what do i do??? :D  
KARKAT: FUCK, I DONT KNOW. CAN YOU BUY US TIME?? THAT WEIRD GROUND CRACKING SHIT IS MAKING ME NERVOUS  
ARADIA:: to be honest i’d be more concerned about the black hole threatening to draw us into its event horizon karkat, we’ll be fine if this bubble bursts :)  
ARADIA:: but sure ill give it my best shot!  
KARKAT: GREAT, THANK YOU. FOR THE GOD TIER POWERS AS WELL AS THE INCREDIBLY MORBID BULLSHIT.   
SOLLUX: there she iis, HEY FEFERII  
FEFERI: woah sollux w)(ats everybody glubbing up here? 38O  
KARKAT: EXCELLENT, ARE YOU ALPHA FEFERI??? OR AT LEAST A FEFERI WITH GOD TIER POWERS  
FEFERI: Ummmm im defishnitely a Feferi!   
KARKAT: CAN WE *PLEASE* NOT DO THE FISH PUN THING HERE, AT THE END OF ALL THINGS? WHATEVER, SOLLUX, KANAYA, GIVE IT YOUR BEST SHOT.   
FEFERI: )(--E)(--E!! I missed you too karcrab! 38)  
SOLLUX: whatever fine  
KANAYA: Yes Friendleader  


It’s enough to freeze you, just for a moment. She was being facetious about it, to an extent, but you could see in her wink and her smile that she was also deadly serious. Was that what you were doing? Leading? You push it aside--no time to think about it while they try to get to work, you’ve got valuable panicking and flipping out to do. 

You look over at Lord English just in time to catch Terezi body-slamming the FUCK out of Vriska. Good, you hope she broke a bone or something--it’ll reduce the chances of her flipping out and fucking everything up. You really hope this works. What the fuck are you all going to do if this doesn’t work? What if--

The house explodes with something, releases some raw uncontrolled POWER, and everything in you fights a shiver. It’s not that it’s overwhelming or eldritch and unfathomable, though it is. More of both of those things than Skaia, than the Horrorterror, than the great green suspender baby himself in all his glory. You were having your brain molested by the transcendentally powerful so much right now you could hardly give a sideways glance anywhere without being reminded how ridiculously, incredibly puny you all were. 

 

 

But no. That wasn’t what was fucking with you. What was fucking with you was that you knew that light, you could follow it’s trajectory as it split into pieces and slammed and shot through and forced Lord English upwards, overwhelmed him easily, like he was a toy. You knew those lights, particularly one of them, and especially one gave you this feeling like you could almost predict it. 

_Dave. Dave alight, Dave as more than what he is, Dave overwhelming and bright and holy._

So usual Dave, but like, with some new level of superpowers or something? God, nothing ever fucking made sense around here. Whatever. They didn’t seem to be having much trouble totally trouncing your cosmic overlord, so you’d take your grace where the universe deigned to give it--at least he was fine, it looked like, at least at some point in time in the future because he definitely never mentioned becoming some kind of cosmic deity. 

The thought gives you an idea and a memory. The house. Hadn’t John said something about a house? Something about how he got his weird alpha-timeline superpowers? You look at it and it seems spent, somehow. Dull and glowing weakly. Empty.

SOLLUX: hoooly SHIIT i cannot BELIIEVE that worked!!!  
KANAYA: Holy Shit Yeah Me Neither  
FEFERI: 38O )(OLY GLUB, I’M ALIV-------------E!!!!!!!!   
KARKAT: GREAT, GREAT, FUCKING AWESOME, YOU’RE ALL LITERAL MIRACLE WORKERS GOOD JOB TEAM.  
KARKAT: NOW SHUT UP AND FOLLOW ME THERE’S NO TIME TO CELEBRATE.   
KANAYA: What  
KANAYA: I Thought The Next Step Was To Start Reviving The Others  
KARKAT: MAYBE WE’LL HAVE TO, BUT I DON’T THINK WE HAVE THAT MUCH TIME  
KARKAT: AND I THINK I HAVE A BETTER IDEA.  
KARKAT: THEY’LL PROBABLY JUST FOLLOW US ANYWAY, THEY’RE LIKE A HERD OF FUCKING WOOLBEASTS.  


Walking fast, jogging, running. That white house shape, innocuous and terrifying and somehow always giving you the impression that it’s more than it seems. With a stitch in your side and raspy breath you reach it. 

Soft grey-white light strobing and glowing in a way that made your eyes go spinny and drowsy. Now up close to it, when you look at the walls they give the impression of going endlessly, impossibly down forever. Had Dave been in there? In that writhing, lashing, living thing? What did that mean? A quaking and gnashing louder and more downright confusing than the ugliest horrorterror. An endless relentless pouring of bullshit. 

Whatever this thing was, it was the worst thing ever. What did it mean to arise from in there? What would it mean to go in? 

Terezi’s voice sounds like it’s coming through water. Infinitely far away, slow and lowered abnormally. She was shifting toward you, she was-- 

She was pushing you in. 

### 

Your mind exploded.  
A world of white and pounding brightness, immediately you feel stretched out, your mind spread too thin for the events of endless nothing springing into life everywhere around you. 

Something tears itself into the world behind you, like a great ripping sound of ropes of color tying themselves together, resolving into a shape of substance and potency. A troll. A girl. Teal. Teal, you know that color… Gold and deep pink burst in behind her. You feel like you’re sinking slowly away, into the white, into the nothing. 

The girl with grey skin and red eyes reached at you, stretched her hand, said hello. You felt like you were meeting her for the first time. You felt like you’d known her forever. You felt like you loved her, a deep aching pain of a love that wounded and bled but always set wrong when it healed. So many times, in so many lives you’d been drawn together. In so many ways you’d been torn down, cut down, culled. For the sin of straying from the path your shepherd had put you on. 

Her hand is so close now. So welcome. So friendly. So--

She smacks you and the world collapses into itself, compacted, everything collected into the seconds between her words and the distance between you two.

TEREZI: K4RK4T HOLY SH1T YOU H4V3 TO CONC3NTR4T3  
KARKAT: OW, FUCK, WHAT’S YOUR FUCKING DEAL  
TEREZI: TH3 GHOSTS R3M3MB3R  
KARKAT: OH. WOW. YEAH. I KIND OF LOST MYSELF FOR A MINUTE THERE  
TEREZI: Y34H 1 FUCK1NG KNOW SO FOCUS YOU DORK!  
KARKAT: CHRIST OK FINE!!! JEEZ  
KARKAT: WHAT DO I DO?  
TEREZI: JUST H3LP M3 R34CH 4LL OF TH3M 1 GU3SS  
TEREZI: R3L4T1ONSH1PS B3TW33N TH3M D3C1S1ONS TH3Y’V3 M4D3  
TEREZI: W3 N33D TO R3M3MB3R 4LL OF TH3M  
TEREZI: M4K3 4LL OF TH3M 1MPORT4NT TO US  
TEREZI: 4ND TH3N…  
TEREZI: SOLLUX 4ND K4N4Y4 4ND F3F3R1 C4N DO WH4T3V3R TH3Y C4N DO FROM TH3R3  
TEREZI: HOP3FULLY W3 WON’T LOS3 OURS3LV3S 3NT1R3LY  
KARKAT: FUCK, ALRIGHT, WHATEVER  
KARKAT: YOU GUYS READY??  
KANAYA: Do It   
SOLLUX: whatever   
FEFERI: THIS IS SO GLUBBING COOL 38D   


You touch the Blood, think about Feferi--how she didn’t deserve to die, how even Eridan didn’t exactly, he fucking sucked but then there’s always that awful larger cruelty: It was inevitable. Any chance to change was just a ticket to damnation. Terezi draws out those thoughts and choices, the ones who misstepped, the ones who tripped and fell off the path of the living. 

You find them and you weave them together, draw them closer. Pulses of color might be filling in the endless white but you don’t really know, you keep your eyes to keep that whiteness out but it just pushes in, not brighter than the absence of anything in paradox space but more absent than it. 

Karkats that dated Nepeta. Karkats that got to see prospit. Karkats that lost, Karkats that died, Karkats who didn’t deserve this any more than you did. You find them and the people they loved and the people they loved and you try hard to hold it all close to you. Try hard not to be consumed. It washes and floods through you, infinite memories, an incredible amount of lives. Eternity. The world of white turns red and bloody, a sea flooding over you, and still you know it’s just a drop of the stuff on this endless pristine fabric. 

Thank god you got a taste of this. You wonder if that was destined to happen too, you wonder about all the Karkats who made it as far as you did and walked through that door the same time you did. Not dead, but fearful and living. What will happen to you? What will happen to them? There’s an ancient unknown terror pounding through you, that it’s nothing, that it’s all nothing, that you were never alive to begin with. Fake and make believe, like magic and religion and fairies. 

You grasp for any thought, any thought that can keep you yourself, keep you here.  
You find only one: 

You wish Dave was here. 

Like a wish on a star, so immediately even you believe in magic for a moment, there’s a great blast of color bursting through that white house the size of forever, a sort of inversion of space and existence where the ground and the voided sky and the green dot of Lord English frozen in the event horizon of a black hole looked like simple drawings on a screen. 

Through it, gods fly in. 

Red and bright hair soft smashes into you and suddenly you’re completely yourself, completely whole, completely defined in relation to him. Where Dave is concerned you know who you are perfectly. 

DAVE: weee GOT IM   


He says, ecstatic and radiant. Suddenly the lives and friends you’ve loved flow in like blood through you so much easier, endless and pouring, as easy to process as the beating of your heart. He was safe, then. They’d gotten through it. Even if you had to stay in this place forever, you got to do it with him here. 

The relief turns into power for you. In the distance far away you can see Terezi welcoming another her like an old friend, discussing their meeting here, the meaning of it. Vriska was next to her somehow, you guess she chased you in, but she wasn’t taking this well--shouting and screaming at Terezi, fearful of the inevitable, hating the thought of meeting herself. 

 

There was another Vriska too, an unfamiliar one, one of the abandoned. But she had a Terezi’s arms around her--not your Terezi but _HER_ Terezi, and shielded by her your Vriska couldn’t touch her, couldn’t scare her, couldn’t win. 

Sollux, Kanaya and Feferi were doing...something. Fuck if you could understand it. That shit was theirs and you could barely even understand HALF of what Terezi was doing, even if you were working together. With Dave with you, with Rose and John and Jade coming into view, you felt sure now this would work--in some way, anyway. Who cares if you come out of it alive, as far as you’re concerned, so long as you all come out of it together. The white world around you isn’t white anymore--it’s a flood of red and teal surrounding you, an awareness of the people you’d met and lost, an awareness of the choices made for you, made by you, denied to you all. Your common heritage.

Dave was jabbering in your ear, muttering something directly into your psyche, but you couldn’t hear it. You could only focus on the sudden rush of red and people, lives and loves. Twisted ones, healthy ones, broken ones, severed ones. Painful ones. Whatever, anything that would tie you all together, if anything in the world could be sure to do that it was pain. You grab on to the pain and you hate it and let it hurt you. 

Like a lightning bolt, that does the trick--brings you all together again, collapses all the ghosts and friends and moments and places and loves and hates and friendship and loneliness and hope and rage--all into this light, all into this empty space. 

Then everything is gone for you.


	21. White

You wake up to a red chest and soft arms.  
Look up. You know those glasses. You know that face.

KARKAT: DAVE…?  
DAVE: sup bro  
KARKAT: WHAT...HAPPENED? WHERE ARE WE?  
DAVE: bout to get to earth 3, basically. kanaya found calliopes thread to here awhile ago  
DAVE: long story short is,  
DAVE: you guys were completely awesome and i have no idea what you did.  
DAVE: you...took the back door, i think? The door we came out of.  
DAVE: entered wherever that is   
DAVE: just being in there focused us somehow, made us remember everything  
DAVE: but you guys didnt just remember it or hold onto yourselves, you…  
DAVE: USED it somehow. like john did.   
DAVE: we were used to it by then so we knew to hold onto ourselves  
DAVE: when you finished what you were doing we just kind of…  
DAVE: flew you all out? then we took the front door in.   
DAVE: it looks like you like...became one with all your alternate selves?  
DAVE: i guess thats kind of also what we did  
DAVE: but hey it looks like you saved everybody  
DAVE: youve been sleeping for a while but terezi basically said you did   
DAVE: led the SHIT out of some ghosts or something?  
KARKAT: URGH...DAVE, STOP TALKING.  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD THIS FUCKING MIGRAINE. AUUUUUUUUGH MY THINK PAN IS SHARPENING ITSELF INTO A DRILL.   
KARKAT: AUUGH YEAH I GUESS THAT’S RIGHT.  
KARKAT: I HAVE ALL THESE EXTRA WEIRD MEMORIES.  
KARKAT: I GUESS...I GUESS I JUST REMEMBER EVERYTHING NOW?   
KARKAT: AND WHATEVER MEMORIES RESURFACE WILL LIKE, BRING OUT WHICHEVER DOOMED KARKAT LIVES ON THROUGH ME…  
KARKAT: GOD, WHAT AM I FUCKING SAYING, THIS IS GIBBERISH.  
KARKAT: SORRY, MY HEAD REALLY HURTS.  
DAVE: hey youre allowed to make no sense after you do some important cosmic shit  
DAVE: that also makes no sense whatsoever   
DAVE: and anyway youre not worse off than vriska  
KARKAT: VRISKA…? GOD, WHAT IS SHE DOING?  
DAVE: having it out with herself, it looks like.  
DAVE: apparently theres theres two versions of her particularly at odds in there  
DAVE: she should really try to cut herself more slack imo  
DAVE: but terezis watching her so shell be fine  
KARKAT: ARGH...OK, ENOUGH OF THEM.   
KARKAT: WHO ELSE MADE IT?  
DAVE: everybody dude i told you   
DAVE: this is exactly what i saw go figure   
DAVE: didnt see myself because i was too busy holding you and i guess you dont usually see yourself anyway   
DAVE: which means...i guess seeing myself there is what led us to making this vision take place in the first place?   
DAVE: fuck time travel  
KARKAT: DAVE.   
DAVE: right sorry   
DAVE: looks like one of each of everybody no doubles or extra copies anywhere  
DAVE: all your old troll friends and the dancestor peeps too  
DAVE: everyones pretty overwhelmed and confused right now though   
DAVE: still kanaya had to threaten cronus he was getting pretty grody  
DAVE: i dont feel good about that guy being here tbh   
DAVE: but whatever if he keeps being a creep itll give terezi something to actually prosecute  
DAVE: instead of pointless boondollar embezzling or w.e   
KARKAT: WAIT...DID YOU SAY HOLDING?  
KARKAT: ARE YOU CARRYING ME!?   
DAVE: yea sorry yall were knocked the fuck out   
DAVE: and you took the longest nap so i got to just keep you like a puppy  
DAVE: terezi asked for a turn but i said nuh uh this ones a keeper   
DAVE: she can get her own karkat from the bargain bin store or w.e  
KARKAT: WELL FUCK, CAN WE HURRY UP AND GET DOWN TO EARTH THEN?  
KARKAT: THIS IS FUCKING HUMILIATING   
DAVE: if you want i can let you go now dude   
DAVE: youre wearing the god tier duds after all you can PROBABLY fly im guessing?   
KARKAT: WHAT...THE FUCK???  
KARKAT: YOU’RE RIGHT??? WHERE DID I GET THIS?  
DAVE: idk maybe its just a natural consequence of becoming one with karkats who DID go god tier?  
DAVE: that was some weird shit you pulled so it wouldnt surprise me  KARKAT: UH...FUCK…  
KARKAT: CAN I...TRY? DON’T DROP ME IF I CAN’T, OK?  
DAVE: hehe you got it   


You let go of him hesitantly, slowly, and immediately start dropping. He grabs you by the arm and holds you up with so much force you’re sure you’ll tear his arm off but instead you just kind of...stretch, softly, bounce down and up around him. You’re not as heavy as you think you really should be, but there’s still a weight to you, a bob that makes it almost an effort to stay in the air like this.

KARKAT: I CAN...FLY, I THINK, BUT…  
KARKAT: I’M STILL HEAVY????  
KARKAT: HOW FUCKING STUPID IS THAT?  
DAVE: pretty damn stupid probably but what else is new  
DAVE: want me to let go completely?  
KARKAT: UM. I CAN HOLD MYSELF UP ON MY OWN, I THINK.  
KARKAT: BUT IT MIGHT HELP TO HOLD HANDS, MAYBE. IF YOU DONT MIND, THAT IS.  
DAVE: dude cmon dont play me like this   
DAVE: you know damn well what i want is to keep carrying you   
KARKAT: SHUT UP!! OH MY GOD.   
KARKAT: IF WE JUST INTEGRATED ALL OUR OLD FRIENDS INTO THIS NEW SOCIETY WE’RE BUILDING I NEED TO LOOK COMPETENT AS A LEADER, IT’LL BE CHAOS IF THESE TROLLS RUN AMUCK WITH NO DIRECTION.  
DAVE: itll be chaos no matter what honestly   
DAVE: and anyway everyone knows what you did   
DAVE: we could strip and fuck right here and now and i think youd still be unanimous leader  
KARKAT: JESUS CHRIST, HOW CAN YOUR MOUTH BE SO FUCKING FILTHY?  
DAVE: you bring out the best in me, babe B)  
KARKAT: I’M GOING TO BE SICK.  


But you say it with a grin. Your think pan is aching, you feel heavy and tired and weighted. But...you made it, didn’t you? You all made it. 

You’re Karkat Vantas, and you can fucking fly.

DAVE: oh by the way, i need to apologize  
DAVE: i kind of made out with john and jade   
KARKAT: WHAT???  
DAVE: yeah i also kind of suggested we might be open to threesomes later   
KARKAT: WHAT??????????????????  
DAVE: its not like that ok it was a moment of indiscretion  
DAVE: we were in endless white bullshit land and had no idea what was going on, it was a way to keep ourselves together  
DAVE: still sorry though   
KARKAT: OH. WELL. HOW WAS IT?   
DAVE: what you mean john or jade or both  
KARKAT: BOTH I GUESS.  
DAVE: p choice honestly   
DAVE: nowhere near as choice as you though  
KARKAT: OH. HEH.   
KARKAT: WELL THAT’S FINE THEN, I GUESS.   
DAVE: awesome   
KARKAT: WHERE ARE THEY, ANYWAY?  
DAVE: oh they went to pick up the rest of the crew  
DAVE: davepeta met us halfway and was pretty psyched about still existing  
DAVE: apparently it was kind of in doubt if they’d be split into me and nepeta when you did that cosmic shit?  
DAVE: but apparently it was also the very last big time loop  
DAVE: so now that shits REALLY over and done with   
DAVE: i can basically feel alternate daves piling up by the minute   
DAVE: and we remember everything from the doomed ones too  
DAVE: anyway davepeta let us know  
DAVE: relative to our point in time dirk and his gang were still wherever caliborn had been  
DAVE: we didnt get to stay long ourselves but they were waiting i guess because thats kind of the thing they do?   
DAVE: anyway they’ll meet us back on earth   
DAVE: i asked them to get a present for you though its kind of a shitty one  
KARKAT: HUH???  
DAVE: see any trollz missing?  


### 

JANE: So...that’s it? It’s over with?   
JOHN: yup! thats what it looks like.   


Your head was aching. At some point there’d been a great white pounding SOMETHING suddenly hammering you over the head, flooding out your consciousness. You’d been overwhelmed, and then...passed out, apparently?

Jake still hadn’t woken up, but Rose was talking to Dirk and Roxy. Looked like you were second to last this time. Your head hurt like a busted oven. Karkat...the white juju Caliborn had wielded...what did any of it mean? You stumble over to Rose and the others, John following with you. Jade gathered close to you with Jake snoozing in her arms, out for the count apparently.

JANE: So...what the heck do we do?  
ROSE: By all accounts, it seems simple.  
ROSE: Now we...go home. Start over.   
ROSE: Take incredibly long naps, preferably.   
ROSE: I don’t know about you guys, but I feel like I have a hangover.  
ROXY: no fckin kidding  
ROXY: ow my head…  
ROXY: it reminds me of that actually  
DIRK: Of the trickster shit? You think it was related to that?  
ROXY: no  
ROXY: maybe??  
ROXY: it was better i think but who fuckin cares fuck trxstrs  
DIRK: Word. So I guess just..warp us home, John?  
JADE: no we cant yet!! daves guy remember  
JOHN: oh yeah but...to be honest he seems kind of icky?  
JOHN: does one of us have to pick him up? i dont want his guts going all over the place  
ROSE: Dave seemed to indicate it was best to keep him in one piece.  
ROSE: Or, as big a piece as we could manage anyway  
ROSE: Maybe just poke him with a finger?  
JOHN: bluh...gross fine :(   
ROXY: dw im cool with gross shit  
ROXY: i can touch him and you can just hold my hand ok  
JOHN: :D yes that sounds excellent! thanks roxy   
ROXY: hehe ;)  
JOHN: alright, everybody brace yourselves, we’re going!   
JANE: Oh! Wait a minute.  


Lil Seb was scuttling over in your direction. Everyone else was gone, and it seemed the bugger had remembered you as his original keeper. He came close and didn’t factor in the years, the traded services, the complicated memory. He just looked at you expectantly for order or request, as if nothing had ever changed. 

You picked him up and looked at Dirk-- poking Jake awake and filling the sleepyhead in as he got to his feet. He caught your eye, caught the bunny in your arms, and stared back at you. His mouth split open into something you weeren’t sure you’d ever seem from him before: a genuine, easy grin. It was small, but unmistakable. 

You smiled back. You suppose nothing did. 

The thought carried you home.


	22. Ohgodwhat Remix

KARKAT: WHAT DO WE… DO WITH HIM?  


The question hung between all of you--humans and trolls, relevant and mostly irrelevant players alike. All of you alive, though--and with an endless future of choices ahead of you. Through your doing, you thought, with slick satisfaction.

For once in her life, Vriska was totally silent. That little battle of will between those two versions of her had been recent and bad enough that she was having kind of a shit time of all this “embodying your ultimate self” thing. She’d do better if she liked herself more, but oh well--she definitely wouldn’t make that easy for herself, but it wouldn’t last forever. Probably. Certainly, as a matter of fact--the only question was what she chose from here.

That was true for all of you.

Which brought you to this: The gross half of purple shitclown laying at your feet.   
And Karkat’s question, supposedly aimed at everybody but you all knew better than that.   
It hung between you two like a noose, like the strings of a scale, weighing his fate. 

You knew what Karkat wanted, it was obvious--he hated the guy at least half as much as you did, but the unsatisfying taste of the truth kept weighing on him: Inevitability.  
What choice had Gamzee had in all this, really? You suppose the answer was simultaneously none of it, and all of it. 

None of the other Terezis rolling around in your head were as clear, as present in your head as her. It was enough to make you wonder if you WERE her, if you’d traded places in your body and now you were the watcher. Maybe you had. Or maybe there was no difference between the two of you, except for what you chose next. 

What was different about you, for sure, was that you remembered everything. The way you fell apart with him, the way he treated you. The way he killed Karkat, though hilariously, Karkat didn’t really seem to care too much about that. Instead he just waited for your verdict, and you knew he wouldn’t hold it against you, anyway.

 

As it turns out, this fucker was the only Gamzee left standing, or not, as it were. According to reports, “Your” Equius had presumably ended up sucked into Lord English, but there had been plenty of ghosts of him running around--more than enough to give him as big of a headache as any of you when compacted back into a single living iteration. 

Gamzee, though? He’d been a lot like Vriska’s dancestor--Aranea, who’d had only a few versions of herself in the void. The bulk of her lives had ended as the sole survivor of her session, apparently--her dreamselves merged into an alpha iteration that had totally fucked the hell out of all of you in the same timeline that all that bullshit happened with you and Gamzee. Serkets are Serkets all the way through, you guess. 

But Gamzee had been unique entirely. Singular of purpose and ending--almost every iteration of him had ended up merged into his living self. The self that had been, apparently, cringe-inducingly, destined to become part of Lord English all along?  
This was all so hideously fucking stupid. 

Whatever. And so it seemed he’d left this paltry half a corpse behind, daring you all to choose whether or not to revive him. Or, you suppose, you could leave him. He could be singular of fate in this respect, too--denied the chance to live free of the Alpha that you’d all taken by force. Technically from him, in a way? You really hate this train of thought to be honest.

Whatever. The point remained. You all had the chance to grow and change. A chance he would never get, if you so decided. Having that kind of power over him--winning over him like this, satisfied that part of you that remembered it all vividly. It felt distant and blunted to you, like a dream. Did that mean you were yourself, then--definitely not the one who’d stood under that light with her Vriska? Were you sharing a connection to another Terezi, already in the process of making a different decision? Were the ghosts just voices in your head now, or actually alive, actually real? 

God, who fucking knew. The pointy shades coolkid, probably.   
Maybe you should ask? Bother getting to know him at least a little? Eh. Later. 

You sigh, deliberating, and then sigh again, because that there was deliberation at all made it pointless. With the alpha timeline gone, there was always going to be a Terezi who chose to let him live, and one who chose to let him rot, right? But the thought of having to deal with Gamzee again made your stomach turn anyway. And the thought of leaving any one member of your group to Lord English’s perdition felt off-putting and wrong, no matter how deserved it might be.

So you suppose the only question left was what kind of Terezi you wanted to be now. It’s not like he could seriously hurt any of you--he was vastly outgunned. All that was left was your predisposition to mercy. Your choice. 

Toward the far back of your loose circle, past the--was that Tavros, chatting it up with his ancestor, you think?--you could smell it. A nasty smell of strobing purple--some troll getting up to weird gross antics that reminded you of Gamzee once again. His ancestor? Ugh, what the hell was his deal?

Still. It brought a grin out of you that was definitely sharp and wild, and a small low giggle that Karkat would definitely classify as maniacal. You could feel his eyes on you, expecting and waiting--eager to get this over with and move on with the rest of his life. You could relate.

Well. If you were going to be up to your neck in lowly wrongdoers to punish anyway, what was one more to prosecute? You could think of some compromises.   
Downright fun ones, even.


	23. Homestuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Hexmeridian for beta'ing this entire ending section for me. And, of course, thank you all for reading this and coming along with me.
> 
> This has been a fucking journey and I really needed it. 
> 
> One of my favorite things about Homestuck is that it's a story with a lot of beauty in the empty spaces, if you care to dig it out.   
> This is just one version of events as I thought they could play out, but really, there's infinite others, and they're all valid.  
> I wanted this to give myself closure while I wait to see what Hussie dishes out with the epilogue :) I hope it can give you some of what it gave me, in that sense. 
> 
> I'll be around! I'll probably write more self-indulgent shippy stuff set after this chronologically :B Thanks a lot for reading!

You’d thought, along the years, you’d learned what chaos was.  
You didn’t.

Chaos was this _endleeesss_ stream of troll bullshit. Every other second you turned around there was some shenanigan or another. Building more cans, people getting lost by exploring, endless ENDLESS romance drama. It was a storm that never ended. You had your hands full just setting up rules, making up structure, finding a way to keep tabs on everything. You have no idea what you’d do if Dave wasn’t here to help you. 

As it turns out he had proven prophetic. Your judicial slab and jail had actually been put to real use by an incredibly thrilled Terezi, trapping at least one Ampora (to your current knowledge) and two Makaras where they couldn’t fucking annoy anybody too much. You’d needed some pretty complicated designs to keep their weird powers from breaking them out, but it turned there was a lot of versatility to all these powers once you really started working together. The things Rose was starting to pull were beginning to look more and more like real fucking magic, at least to your eyes. 

Vriska was a mess--so back and forth with herself Terezi kind of had her hands full, but you thought she was getting better every day. Plenty of you were messes, anyway, and there was always some new memory cropping up in somebody and switching relationships around--so she wasn’t really anything special in that respect. It was borderline impossible keeping up with all of it. But it was nice, in a way. Noisy and annoying, but maybe that was fine, if it meant people were living again.

Your alarm blaring you awake, Dave’s chest a pillow for your cheek, you tried to fight the coming of the busy day of hassling and organizing and perspective keeping ahead of you. You ignored the word leadership because you weren’t really ready for it and it didn’t make sense anyway--all you were really doing was talking some sense into a bunch of brainless idiots. Dave kept letting you know how proud of you he was anyway, though, and you couldn’t lie--having him to come home to was pretty fucking sweet. 

You sighed. Your head pulsed but not so much with pain as just with the memory of your dreaming. Blood thumping in your think pan, already seeing your phone blinking, doubtless with some more of all your terrible lovable friends and not-really-friends-but-still-deserving-of-camaraderie-acquaintances’ bullshit, you knew only one thing:

It was going to be a long day.


End file.
